A
male
age
41-50,
*ind boggled
writes:We had a perfect relationship, until she started getting into details about her past.. I never asked for details, I just asked for a number of partners, and about her last serious relationship.. Why do women feel comfortable with some men to the point of thinking that he can handle certain graphic details about past encounters? So my problem isn't her number of past partners, as its low for a 25 year old, (only 5 prior to me) its just that she felt the need to get into details about a fling without me asking her, allk because according to her she was mad at me because she felt neglected by me, and also because I was VERY open about my past, but I was ALWAYS under the impression that "ladies" DONT get into such details just to protect their image, especially if they like the guy enough to want a LTR with him.. Please answer, thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): well, well... if you dumped her then there is no issue! next time don't sleep with someone until you know you are compatible. it keeps you from getting a long list of lovers that look like a resume. lol
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (15 November 2010):
You have retroactive jealousy. Its ok, its a normal side effect of being a male, and MANY guys have it in different degrees, me being one of them.
You have a few options. The first is agree to NEVER pry in a womans past that you are dating in ANY degree. Of course, you are risking having a truth come out years from now that you are very uncomfortable with. Another option is to put yourself through the hell of trying to overcome RJ. Read some threads here on the topic - not an easy task. Last is to only date women with pasts that you can accept.
For me, I chose to eschew the former two. I for one think the truth always has a way of coming out. Also, when I choose my life partner, I want as much data as possible in making a good choice - to cut out such important information is just plain ol stupid to me. I have also tried to get over RJ. For me it just is a fight not worth fighting. For some it is - just not for me. Low and behold, I have found a women with a past I can accept, and am all the happier for it.
Good luck which ever way you decide to go.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 November 2010):
 It sounds like everything she had said was driving you nuts originally. So she got sick of it, and thought "hmm, perhaps I'll just tell him I exaggerated and he'll feel better and leave me be". So she gave it a try, you weren't having it and it drove you even MORE crazy. So then, she told the truth. She tried giving you the sugar coated version you had originally wanted, but learned that the truth is always better. It was a lie, but I think it was meant to be a white one.
It is a shame this relationship didn't work out. You seem to have the curse that so many bachelors on TV share - it's always something. You always find something about them that you don't like. Her nose is too big for her face. She has this really annoying laugh. And with this past girlfriend... here was her thing.
Hopefully some day you will find the right woman for you! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Mind boggled +, writes (15 November 2010):
Mind boggled is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ "tasteofindia" I did break it off with her, its just a bit saddening because I usually DONT click with women so strongly as I did with her, I've been single for 8 years prior to her, and no woman lasted more than 2-3 months with me, as I get bored, or annoyed by them, and just leave the picture, but this one particular girl REALLY kept me intrigued and I really NEVER lost my interest in her per say, just that I couldn't get over that story she told me.. I let her know that I didn't like it, and I actually gave her a chance to clean it up and perhaps say that she was just mad at the time and wanted to piss me off, I even let be known that if that was the case that I'll understand, but she didn't take it back.. This is when everything started getting really bad, at that moment I don't think that she thought that I was that serious about it, but I actually was, until months later that she noticed that it was REALLY killing, that's when she tried to clean it up and said that she was lying all along, and that she actually increased her number of partners and made up stories of her being so experienced because of the way that I carried myself, and how I once mentioned according to her, that I didn't like "Good" girls, so she was trying to keep up with my way of being, she sat there and looked in my eyes, she swore on dead family members etc, that what she was saying was the truth, and that she did in fact make it all up... Of course I didn't believe her, so I kept asking, and as the days went by, she broke down crying and said that she lied about the lie... Now who does such a thing to keep someone next to them? If that isn't lying and manipulation at its best, then what is it?? After that, I just couldn't take it anymore, too much lying and manipulating, it sacred me away... I think she was bi-polar.. Lol
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 November 2010):
Well, I personally think that your approach to this is a little intense. I can't understand how you operate, I guess... but if this is such a huge issue for you, and you are growing to hate her, you should definitely leave this relationship. It seems you will never be at peace with this and will continue to examine what she said, why she said it, etc. It will drive you bananas! So just rest easy and break it off... hopefully you will find someone who is a little more compatible and private about her past life.
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A
male
reader, Mind boggled +, writes (15 November 2010):
Mind boggled is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell as a man, and I'm speaking for MOST men I'm sure, we DON'T want to hear specific DETAILS, (at least I don't) of where and how it was done, if I didn't ask you, then there isn't ANY reason for you to tell me, I for example NEVER really gave her details of where it was done, or how it was done, I just basically told her that I've been around and that I usually DON'T click with women so strongly as I did with her, (I said DID because this has led to our breakup) our connection was VERY strong, and I didn't get bored of her in a year and a few months that we were 2gether. I use to say things as an example to let her know that what we had was "REAL" to me, because otherwise she would've been dumped within a month or two, due to that being the way that I'm use to being, since its hard for a woman to keep me COMPLETELY intrigued.. May I add, that I'm EASILY turned off by certain things that women do or say, and she went overboard with that, and I tried to get over it, but the image was stuck in my mind, making me just HATE her as time went by.. Also the story she told me was during what she "claims" was a VERY hard time in her life during her past relationship, and it all sounded as if she either cheated or was juggling both men at the moment, due to the relationship being almost done, so that REALLY turned me off, as the time went by, and I kept asking questions, and the stories were getting mixed up, and once I put 2 and 2 together, I came up with the conclusion that a)she cheated (altho I DON'T know how her ex treated her) or b)she was juggling, perhaps during a breakup she met the other guy and the ex xam back in the picture, either way wether she cheated or was juggling, to me that's a bit "SLUTTY" behavior, both of which I DON'T condone... I just think she became rebellious at the moment, and did what she did just out of anger towards the ex, but this isn't something that occured a decade ago, or in her teens, this was with the 2 years, and in her 20's, so that scared me, and turned me off, and made me think "good girl gone bad" and I'm NOT going to suffer the aftermath of this.. Your thought??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010): Dearcupid has taught me that you cannot win this. You are a man so there is no such thing as a correct position for you to have about women's past. Any disagreement about it whatsoever means you are at fault.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 November 2010):
What is up with these expectations of how "ladies" act? The traditional "lady" went out in the 90's, and now there can be no expectations.
My guesses are this:
a) she may just like to talk. God knows I do, and sometimes I just like telling a good story. Maybe she just said too much - mistakes happen.
b) maybe she saw how open you seemed to be, and decided to emulate that, thinking that is what you expected of her.
c) she says she felt neglected by you. Maybe she's just trying to give you some juicy details to, in a way, make you feel like YES she was wanted and desired and you should pay more attention to such a wanton babe!
I guess pretty much like Lexie said. I don't think that you can hold this against her... if anything, this was a mistake that you need to get over. And this whole "this is what lady's do" thing has to stop. At least she was honest and didn't just give you the sugar coated version to protect her "image" and manipulate you into a relationship with a supposedly chaste angel. While you may know too much, at least you know the truth and more about the woman you are with. If you don't want any more details, just say so! But I would rather tell someone I don't want to hear anymore, than have information omitted I guess.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 She says that there are two reasons she told you about her past, her feeling neglected and your own openess about your past.
I think the first reason is the motivation she needed to tell you, and the the second is her justification to tell you. She felt neglected and wanted your attention back by making you jealous of her past experiences with other men (her reason for sharing) and then she told you that since you told her about your past, she wanted to share her experiences as well (her justification for telling you).
This doesn't make her reasons right or wrong. We all feel neglected sometimes and I think we all feel that if a person close to us is very open about something in their life we want to reciprocate and tell them as much about ourselves as we want to.
While I might be wrong and maybe I'm overstepping the line here but I think you have a problem with communication in this relationship. And not just you, but her as well.
Women, like men, are not mind readers. You assumed she wouldn't tell you about her past but how was she to know that you didn't want to hear about it? You told her about your past so just like you assume things, she assumed that you'd want to know about her past too.
Never assume anything. Always ask and talk. If you didn't want to know about her past in a lot of detail you should have said so. Many women have a tendency to overshare. And many women don't know that guys don't like to know much about their girlfriend's past. So you need to tell her.
When she started talking, was it too hard to say "look, I appreciate the honesty but I really don't need to know, let's keep those things in the past.' My boyfriend once told me that he didn't want to know details about my past with other guys and so I've never said anything. If he asks, I tell, within reason ofcourse. I would love to share some things with him but if he doesn't want to know, that's his choice. His reason for this is that the past is the past and it should be left there. I understand that and it's fine with me.
I don't think she's at fault here. You were open about your past, and she wanted to reciprocate and tell you about hers. Her motivation for telling you wasn't the best way to go about it, but that might just be the sort of person she is.
What would be better for you now is to tell her that you don't need to hear anymore and you won't tell her anymore about your past conquests either. You also need to ask her why she felt neglected.
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