A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My friends are the type who are confident with girls who can chat to them no problem and don't mind meeting up with them with only one goal in mind.The problem is, that's not me at all....I struggle so much with girls as I'm not super confident, I'd say I'm a good looking guy and I look after myself well.I'm 19 and only ever had one sexual partner, it was with a girl who I cared about who I was FWB with for a while, she herself has made a few hints that I need to go out and enjoy myself (I.E get laid) I've explained to her that it's not me, I would only ever want intimacy with someone that I care about, I think that she and my friends look at me weird because I'm not interested in just going out and getting laid and it really bothers and annoys me. I have high respect for women and will treat 'the one' like a princess, I wouldn't care if I only ever had one sexual partner in the rest of my life is she was someone I loved.Why do so many people try to push you to get out and look for girls just to hook up with and have meaningless sex? This isn't what I'd class as fun as sex is an intimate experience and should be with someone that you care about. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): "I would only ever want intimacy with someone that I care about"
Stick with your guns on this. Yeah, those guys and gals are having "fun", but 25 years from now, with a divorce in their background, broken families, and children hurt, etc.
I've had 3 partners, despite having the urge to have sex with practically every woman I've met who was even mildly attractive, in my 50 years, and I've known people who have had 300 or more.
I'm definitely happier than any of them with my sex life and my marriage has benefited a lot and I might add I'm pretty good at what I do in the bedroom.
Mindless meaningless sex seems to just ruin peoples self esteem unless they are narcissistic, and perhaps it does even then but with a narcissist you just can't tell.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not a person that just always sits indoors and never wants to venture outside or anything.I always want to go on nights out and things like that, because I love it having an awesome time with my mates and a good dance and stuff, it's just that they always go on about girls, even if we're in a car driving somewhere, always looking down the sidewalk "oh was she nice?" etc etc and I'm just not that way inclined with girls to always be thinking about sex and stuff and how good looking girls are.I've felt sorry for myself for long enough and to be frank, you're right, I need to get off my ass and make something happen with girls, I lack confidence and don't even know how to start a conversation up which is quite bizarre as I'm a pretty loud person when people get to know me and I'd also consider myself good looking and I take good care of myself and work out so I don't feel self confident about how I look or anything.I'd also say that part of my problem could be due to the fact that I attach myself to people too quickly, something that I need to get out of, as when things don't go my way with girls it hits me pretty hard and I go through a "down spell" where I just lack the motivation to do anything and just mope around feeling sorry for myself.I'm also a believer that chasing girls is pretty dumb, I've done a lot of that in the past and gotten nowhere, I try to be a perfect gentleman but seem to be the type of guy that falls into the "friend zone". I've also had some bad experiences with girls and really been messed around by them that sometimes makes me reluctant to move ahead and in combination with being a guy that sucks at reading signals sent by girls, I have a really hard time developing relationships with people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Actually it sounds like you have this all wrong. They're not pushing you to go out and get random girls and have sex with them. That may be what they like doing but if they're your friends then they know that's not you. They're telling you to go out and meet women, talk to them, ask them out etc.
You know? dating.
They know you struggle with girls, they know you're not super-confident all they're trying to do as friends is to push you to go out and talk to them anyway. Dude you don't have to have meaningless sex on your mind to talk to girls, you can be a gentleman and just talk to them as people, if you find you have a connection with one the you ask her out.
They're not pushing you go out and get your rocks off they just see you sitting there not even talking to girls, while you may be conservative and have a respect for women, that doesn't mean you shouldn't actually go over and talk to girls to you find attractive and see if there is something between you. That's all their saying, I mean even your female friend is pushing you to do that because it is fun. You may not get on with some girls, you may not have anything in common with some, others you may find you have an immediate connection to and can talk for hours. That's how it works, and believe it or not girls like being talked to by guys that are interested in them it makes them feel desired even if you don't immediately maul the face off them. Plenty of girls like respectful guys but you have too much respect and you're basically waiting around for the magical "one" to appear. But you're a man, it doesn't work like that for us, we have to do the pursuing and actually find that girl.
It's all well and good saying you'd be happy with just one girl in your lifetime but how are you going to meet that girl if you're not "on the scene" getting the hang of flirting, talking to girls you're attracted to etc. you don't have to hook up with them, just talk and see if you have a connection then ask them out. You can do things your way but you should get out there and do it.
OP get out there and find a woman to care about, go out and find a girl that fits your criteria then. Your life, your choice but there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't, if confidence is what you the just force yourself to talk to girls and you'll see they're just people and most will have a good time talking to you. If you're the kind of guy that gets overawed by beauty then talk to some of the cute girls instead.
OP your friends just want to see you happy, they see something in you that they're trying to help you with. That's all. Dating and talking to women is the easiest thing in the world. I know people make it sound complex but it really is a matter of not thinking and just doing. You'll be disappointed, be rejected, some girls will be downright rude but for every 10 girls that you feel nothing from the conversation or you get rejected, there will be that one that you immediately feel comfortable with, you just get this really close connection almost instantly, you'll have a great conversation with a girl who's on the same wavelength as you and before you go your separate ways you ask her if she'd like to hang out some time and get her number. 1/10 is great odds OP, but you're not going to find that girl sitting there complaining that people are only interested in meaningless sex, they're not, they want to date, they want to just have a good time together and for your friends that involves copping off with people. Nothing wrong with how they live but you don't have to date that way if you don't like.
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A
female
reader, emb169 +, writes (26 May 2011):
I think the issue here is that your friends are very much the typical 'lad' type of boy/man. You seem to have a more mature and frankly, much nicer view about how sex should be. If you want the sex that you have to be meaningful and with someone you do really like, then only have that kind of sex. Your friends probably don't understand why you think this and maybe think that you don't participate in their antics because you are shy in their eyes. I'm guessing here you haven't had a heart to heart about what sex means to you... :P I'm afraid it just seems to be the attitude among young people in britain (because it is women as well as men) that sex is just something you do when and where you feel like it with whoever happens to be present. You stick to what you believe I say, you will make a great partner for a girl somewhere, because there are many girls who will appreciate your attitude. Hope thats helped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I don't think you need me to answer- I think you have all the answers for yourself already. As for the men and women who look for random sexual encounters- it's hard to answer the question for them. I think its a mix between natural urges, social pressures and the way the media portrays sex. In today's society sex is both everything and nothing. We are exposed to it all the time, images are flashed around us all day on tv, movies and in ads. We have to be good looking- we have to be having sex and be appealing to the opposite gender.At the same time, sex has lost all meaning. It is another pursuit like trying to buy a nicer cell phone or treated like some sort of bizzare sport. I think you should just keep on doing what you are doing. When you step out of your comfort zone, its no good. I've been there.As for the others, let them think what they would like.
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