A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Two questions: 1) why do I feel like my brother is betraying me by dating the girl my ex cheated on me with? 2) why do perfectly decent guys choose to have one night stands?I turned 18 on boxing day but a month before I found out my bf cheated on me with a girl called *Sienna who is 16. We both broke up with him and became friends as support because neither of us knew about the other. Now my brother *Nolan who is 19 is dating her and I don't get it. I know I'm friends with her but it still feels kind of like betrayal and I don't know why.The other question is about my cousin. He recently turned 22 and he's a really nice guy with good standards but a girl hit on him two weeks ago and he's been having one night stands every few days when he goes to clubs or parties. He's not normally like this because he's shy and introverted and gentlemanly but now he's becoming arrogant because girls finally pay him attention and are making it easy. Deep down I know he wants more and sometimes he feels dodgy about this but his confidence/arrogance is through the roof. It's like a high from being drunk then a low during the hangover then a high when drunk again but instead of drinking his high is one night stands. I know its his life and I'm not gonna mess with it but I'm just wondering why he'd suddenly change his principles because he's so fed up of not being hit on that he changes from honourable guy to hookup guy???If you can give me help with either I'd be greatful
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broke up, cheated on me, confidence, cousin, drunk, my ex, one night stand, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012):
To answer your question:
Perfectly decent guys do not have one night stands. If they are doing so they they are not very decent at all. They disrespect themselves and they disrespect women.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (29 December 2011):
 Men need confidence and theyll gain it by any means necessary even if it means by doing one night stands.. or taking a weightlifting supplement that lands you in the er for an elevated heart rate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): 1. It's normal to feel that way but it's illogical seeing as you are friends with her. If you hated her or something and she went out of her way to mess you over then you'd have every right to feel betrayed. Plus it's a bit close to home isn't it? Your brother sticking it in the same hole as the guy who used to do yours. Bit awkward that.
2. The same reasons as decent girls choose to. You have to remember there are just as many girls there doing this as guys. So basically Opportunity. Once a guy figures out how easy women are, especially these days then it's hard not to go around acting like a rock star and bedding as many women as possible. I sure as hell did and it was great. It snowballs OP, you see you can start off being shy and reserved and it only takes one drunken girl to do pretty much all the work and you then gain confidence from that. Women around you are more attracted to that confidence and become even easier, it continues on like this with cause and effect until you're walking around with the swagger of Russel Brand.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 1) It's natural to want to see people in teams (or tribal groups). When he cheated with her, your boyfriend put her in the "other team" light in your mind. On a very primal level, it feels like your brother is sleeping with the enemy. It sucks, but no one is doing it to hurt you - your best bet is to talk to your brother about it, tell him you don't want to interfere, and just ask that he do his best to understand and help you work through it.
2) This one's easy. A lot of guys have been through something similar, myself included. I never decided to try for one-night stands, and am not sure I would be successful if I did, but I did have basically zero dating success before I learned to just be an arrogant ass whenever I want. You say he got arrogant after he started having these flings; I'd posit that it's the other way around, and his newfound confidence is only beginning to show in the other areas of his life. To sum up: men adapt to women's expectations. If women, on aggregate, have sex with good men, there will be, on aggregate, more good men. If women, on aggregate, have sex with arrogant men, there will be, on aggregate, more arrogant men. He's still a decent guy, he's just one who has adapted to his environment.
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