A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been told by many people that I lack confidence or self esteem over the years but I don't even see that in myself. I like who I am, I think I'm a funny, smart person, and am a great catch as a partner. I've appreciated my journey and I appreciate who I've become, but this doesn't translate to people. I make eye contact, I tend to be a little quiet meeting people, but I accept and enjoy my personality and don't think it's indicative of how I feel about myself. I'm not sure what they're seeing that I'm not aware I'm projecting or whether they're just off the mark. I tend to be a worrier, but I don't think this means I lack confidence either, I feel like people can worry because they care about the consequences but not because they don't believe they will work out. I'm just thinking about these things because it's happened in a variety of settings and now my couples therapist has decided I react to things a certain way because I lack self-esteem and I'm just not sure where people are getting this from. Do you think this is a matter of how I present myself or do you think I just am so unconscious of my own self-loathing that I reject the label? If it's the former, do I have to force myself into a boisterous personality just to counter the image or are there alternatives for those who consider themselves the female equivalent to strong but silent type, which I thought I was doing pretty good on my own?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 Hey doll. Nonverbal communication is big amongst women and a key to an impression. As a bigger guy im well aware of this. Your mindset sounds great. Work on developing confident body language including facial expressions and tone of voice. That could certainly help u come across better.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (6 February 2012):
Without seeing you it's hard to know if it's due to how you present yourself, but maybe it is? for example your body language, non verbal cues or your tone of voice could give the impression that you're not confident even though the words you're speaking say the opposite.
other things might be 'too much' humility or modesty, as in, when someone compliments or praises you, you just dismiss it? Lots of people do this because they have been conditioned not to appear arrogant, but they take it too far and it looks like they are putting themselves down all the time.
A lack of self esteem can also manifest in other ways, for example in over-defensiveness during conflicts, keeping people at a distance in relationships, the tendency to be controlling towards other people, or difficulty in accepting certain situations that on the surface are about something else. there's so many different ways it can manifest it's hard to say.
have you asked people WHY they think you have low self esteem? And, what are the contexts in which this topic even comes up? I assume you don't go around asking people what they think of your self esteem, instead they somehow feel it appropriate to voluntary inform you that they think you have low self esteem. is there a pattern to where people seem to want to tell you this?
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