A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Making friends and connecting with other people has never been easy for me. Even when I think I’m doing well, it turns out I’m not. Recently I met two girls and it was the first time they met each other as well. We went to a coffee shop and talked and laughed a lot. All three of us wanted to see an upcoming exhibition, so we made plans to go see it together. Next time I saw them(again they were very nice and friendly) I found out they went to see it without me! Why did they do that? They knew I wanted to see it too and yet they didn't call me. I had been so excited because I thought I made two new friends and this hurt me a lot. I cried when I got home. Why don’t people like me? I am a good and nice person. What am I doing wrong? I would really appreciate your advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): Thank you very much for your answers and advice. I know I should be more proactive if I want to have a social life, but it seems to me that some people have many friends without any effort on their part, they always get invited to hang out or do stuff and other people want to be their friends. I wish I was like that. I hope, over time, I will develop a thicker skin so things like this don't get to me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): You sound sweet and kind! I'd hang out with you! I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all.
First of all, don't take what happened personally. Your friends have been a bit selfish here. But they're probably just thoughtless and giddy, not deliberately exclusive. Perhaps there were reasons they didn't call you - maybe they didn't have your number, or maybe it was a spur of the moment decision they made another time? The worst thing you can do is to internalize decisions like this and believe that you are being rejected in some way, because that will just make you feel more lonely and will knock your self-confidence. Chances are, they were being thoughtless, not malicious.
Secondly, being social involves a lot of pretty proactive work. And it takes quite a long time to break into a new circle and get to know people especially if you're shy. You're actually doing really great! You did all the right things this time, except making a time and a date to go with your friends. Next time a similar situation occurs, make sure you either arrange something on the spot, or send around an email straight afterwards. That way you can be sure that your desire to go won't be unrecognized.
Thirdly, don't focus too much on certain people. You can't win em all, and unfortunately there are some horrible individuals out there in the world. So spread your bets! Go out for drinks with colleagues, make dates to see friends for coffee, arrange to grab lunch with people. When you arrange events like exhibition visits, throw the doors open to anyone who wants to come. You'll find that after a while t people bring along friends and family members, and introduce you to their circles. This gets quite a lot easier as you get older, by the way!
Fourthly, if you're looking for new friends don't forget your talents! You are an interesting and unique person, and there will be loads of things you're good at that other people can't do. Why not build on those, and get to know people with similar interests, by doing evening classes in a subject you love?
Finally, good friendships are rare indeed. Most human relationships are lop-sided in some way, so don't be surprised if sometimes people take more than they seem to give - always remember, when you give something lovingly and freely without any expectation of return, you're doing something beautiful in its own right. At the same time, protect yourself a little against overt exploitation by setting limits and boundaries: don't let people take you for a ride.
I'm sure you'll find a whole bunch of new friends soon. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 October 2010):
 It sucks that they did that. Sometimes you have to get proactive in your approach. Rather than waiting till they call you, you need to set the date. For example, you were talking about all wanting to see the exhibition. That's when you say, "I'm free next Saturday, does that work for you two?" Then you've not only expressed interest but have attempted to schedule a time. When someone makes an attempt to schedule something like this, they are usually a lot less likely to be left out. Now, if you scheduled it for Saturday, but they went a different day anyway, then they are jerks and not worth your time anyway.
People can often be two faced. They'll smile to your face and bad mouth you behind your back. That may have been the case here. Just don't give up. You'll meet people who will want to hang out with you eventually, you just need to keep putting yourself out there. Nothing worth having in life comes easily. Good luck!
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