A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 16+ years is a very loving man not only to me but to his girlfriend as well. I found out 2 years ago that he had been seeing her. Evidently he's been telling her that he is single and raising his 2 daughters alone. He's been flying every other month to see her. It makes me sick to my stomach that he took her to his brother's wedding a few weeks ago as if I don't exist or something and still tells me that he loves me but i know for a fact that he tells her the same thing. Why do men start these outside relationships and think that it's okay? All the lies and the deception is not worth it. I also think that he wants me to leave first so that he can put it out there to all his friends and family that i left him and that would make his life so much better. It's just not okay, I've asked him to let her go, have even called her to clear up some stuff, and they are still talking about getting together. How much more can a person take? It's embarrasing to me to be around his friends/family because they all know. He told them and showed and it's not funny or cute or whatever it is that he's going for. If it had of been me would he have been this understanding? I think not... I should get a clue since he's telling her and whoever else that will listen that he's only here for his kids. If that's the case then why are we still having sex. On top of that the woman said that she had become pregnant while with him and he still had not come clean about that. If he loves her like he says he does then he deserves to be where he is happy at, I've told him that but he claims he's not leaving this house. But tells her they will be together soon even though she stays in Boston while we are in Atlanta. This is so crazy. I've got to go where i can think and be sane...It's not worth it. I love him but can't be in love by myself. After him I will get myself a dog and live my life without worrying that your body is here with me but your mind is on the other side of town. He loves her and claims to love me but if he truely loved me he would have kept his dick in his pants.....The End!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): This is truly weird. Usually men will sneak around and keep the affair a secret. Once found out they will beg to be taken back. But not your husband. He is blatantly showing off his mistress, blatantly telling you he wants to be with her. At least he is honest about that so you can make your own decision.
How can he claim that he still loves you?? I think he is feeling guilty and when he says he loves you what he means is that he doesn't hate you, is all. But really what he feels for you is not love or if it is it is much decreased compared to what he feels for the other woman.
it's pretty obvious he wants to be with the other woman not with you. But he is too cowardly to be a man and leave you so instead he is sticking around waiting and hoping for you to leave him. then he can have a clearer conscience about being with his other woman because you left him. Jerk.
why is he still having sex with you? Because it's convenient. If she is in Boston and he and are are in Atlanta who else he gonna have sex with? The question is, why are you still having sex with him at this point??
You can do one of two things: divorce him and take him to the cleaners for all he is worth. Or, refuse to initiate a divorce since that is exactly what he wants. Instead, you go out and live your own life without him, just don't initiate the divorce he wants. Force him to at least be a man and be the one to initiate the divorce. Then take him to the cleaners for all he is worth.
A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (28 November 2010):
 Wow. Aside from saying how sorry I am, I am glad that at least you know what is going on.
Why do they stray? A mystery to all, even the men. Some out of boredom some see someone else as just more exciting than they already have, some to feel they still attractive. It’s hard to ever know why one man, or woman, thinks its okay. I will not say it is uncommon, especially after 16 + years, however know that is not always the case. And many times men will stay until the kids are done high school. Not something I personally think is healthy in any way. Continuing sex for them isn’t too hard really, they don’t always equate feelings with intimacy as women do.
I don’t know how long this has been out in the open for, but sounds like it is time for you to make decisions that protect you and your children. The thought that he wants you to leave him may be correct, but not for the reason you think. Divorce lawyers will often give advice about who leaves, and may be a good idea for you to contact one. He may be hoping you leave so that he can petition for the house.
It makes it so much harder when a man still says they love you, but continues to be with another woman. The actions don’t support the words said. Betrayal is a nasty knife in your heart, and feels like it will never go away. What you first need to decide is, are you willing to put up with this situation any longer? To continue to tolerate it will only keep hurting you and make it a more difficult for you to protect yourself. Staying with someone who is already telling you they love someone else and plan on being with them.
I can only imagine the embarrassment. Don’t be embarrassed by what he has done, but how you handle it. You seem as though you know the answer, but also seem as though you can handle your own. You are absolutely right in knowing you can’t hold a relationship or marriage together when only one person still cares. It makes you wonder how people can change their feelings so drastically.
Do what you have to do to keep yourself sane, and not be manipulated into how he wants things to go. Talk to a divorce lawyer just to get a little input….it can never hurt. It’s a crappy situation to be in, and you either survive it or you don’t. I think you will survive! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): These men do it because they know how to get away with it by lying to everyone. And because there are enough naive but treacherous women in the world who are prepared to believe that the man will leave his wife for her.
It is such a hard situation when you still love him and yet he humiliates you so badly.
He is abusing you, even though you may not see it that way
You may or may not lose him.
He is certainly very blatant and is bringing her into the spotlight and snubbing you. Not a good sign.
Consider your husband a 'hostile witness' in the sense a Judge would describe a person appearing to say he is supporting one side (you) while speaking and acting in a way that better supports the ither side (miss boston).
Do not attempt to contact, nor speak to miss boston. She is not and never will be your friend. She has no consideration for your interests.
Stop trusting, believing, supporting your husband. He may be your husband, but he is no longer your ally, nor your friend
Do not leave the family home. It is your home.
Without involving your husband, and without discussing it with your husband,
Investigate the family finances as thoroughly as you can. He must be spending money supporting miss boston. This represents family funds.
Make sure you have access to secure funds in your name only.
Better still open an account elsewhere and siphon off part of the money you have access to on a weekly basis via cash first and then cash into your other account.
Pull back on charging items on credit if the credit card is in your name. If your husband starts to play dirty he could try to freeze you out of funds (i have seen a horrid man do this to his first wife to force her out of the home).
locate and copy your husband's last 5 year IRS returns to confirm what he has really been earning.
Try to create an inventory of all that your husband owns or is owed (in assets), and what he owes (mortgages, Loans, debts). The accountant (not your husband's one) should be able to give you clues on what actions or records will help you discover all this.
Check out family documents. Make sure your name is on the official title to your home.
See if you can locate his most recent Will to ensure you are getting the lion's share with your children.
If you are not already a signatory on the family checking account insist on having you name added as a signatory so you can keep an eye on family finances.
Consult a lawyer (not his lawyer) and an accountant (not his accountant)on how best to protect your situation.
Do not be audacious, but do be regular with this siphoning off some cash into your own account.
Do not do a bank to bank transfer as that would indicate your other bank account exists.
Raise some other funds, when he is in Boston, by selling off things at home of value, that you do not use or do not like, such as paintings or furniture you do not need and do not care for. If he asks, tell him you gave it to a charity or to someone in need. Do smaller things first, not bigger things. You need to build your nest egg, as i sense he is/could be ruthless and disrespectful to you.
Make sure he is not running up big debts that will make it harder for you to get a decent financial settlement.
Do not discuss the above with family, friends, other acquaintences. You do not know who will tattle tale it back to your husband.
You need a lot of support. Continue to be pleasant, polite to your husband. Do nothing that could be used by your husband to suggest that you are over emotional, a shrew, a screaming banshee etc. You can be the dignified one.
And any time you feel like you have a headache, bring it on, so he is thwarted from having sex with you.
You are NOT refusing him. You just had a very tiring day, or your back hurts, your head hurts, or you feel nauseous. ''But for any of these symptoms you would be quite willing to have sex with him, but illness happens''.
And buy a packet of condoms.
If you do relent and have sex with him then you must use condoms for safe sex. Remind him that you and him dont know what other parttners miss boston may have when he is not there. Get him wondering. Destabilise him.
Good luck, please keep us all updated with a follow up. I hope things improve, but am not hopeful.
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