A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok well recently like a month ago a friend started text messaging me his um "secrets" which I blew off because well it was really shocking and funny to get a random text of his private parts. He has a girlfriend they have been together for a while, I don't actually know her, but I have known him for over 10 years. Back when we were younger we kind of hooked up, he also at that time had a girlfriend. He's now asking me to do this thing again. I have said no so many times. In fact I have told him straight forward you have a girlfriend I will not even discuss this while you are still with her. I know how much it hurts. He is now telling me he doesn't want to be with her, he wants to be with me. But when I text him he tends to ignore them, which I have also done so I don't jump the gun. However we don't spend any real time together and his girlfriend is also an employee of his. So I know thing could have or have gone badly. I am just curious am I being used? I haven't slept with him. I might but not until I am positive he's not seeing the other girl. am I being stupid?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your help. I think I can go in on anything with a level head. I told him how I feel and he hasn't backed down. I am not sure about him being an addict (I just see signs.) I have no illusions of a happy loving long term relationship. But I also think maybe he just needs a bit better direction lol and an adult (I forgot to mention his average gf age is under 22 and he's my age. I know they are adults but alot of them don't have the same experience or thoughts on sex, love, and relationships you gain as you age.)I may not be the one but maybe I can help him grow up a little, And when he does find the one he will try to stay faithful.
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 One thing you have to keep in mind when you're dealing with a sex addict is, part of their addictive behavior isn't that they like to have sex alot, (of course they do) but they also want it from different people. They are always wondering what the next woman would be like. The next conquest. You may have a high sex drive and can give him sex as often as he craves it but that doesn't solve the other component to his addiction. You say you don't mind having a casual sex thing with him, but I think you're setting yourself up for a major fall. You have already admitted that you tend to get attached to the men you have sex with. Because you have lost your b/f recently, and are feeling like you haven't had good luck with men here lately, your self esteem has taken a shot in the ass. This man boosts your ego and makes you feel sexy and alive again. But his tendency to be unfaithful could end up leaving your self esteem in worse shape. You can enjoy his attention, but keep your feet on the ground. He is still in a relationship and has to deal with that first. But even after he breaks up with this woman, I seriously doubt he's going to be anything more than a fling. As long as you know that ahead of time, perhaps you'll be strong enough not to delude yourself into thinking you'll be the woman he's searched for his whole life and finally found. Because I can almost guarantee he will in fact, later cheat on you too unless he gets help for his addiction. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell let me clarify a little I have slept with him. but that was back in our late teens.
At that time I actually was cool with the situation, But I personally have grown up a lot, and it was obvious to me he hadn't.
We have always flirted back and forth.
I ended a fairly long relationship that had turned long distance about a month in half ago. I ended it cause my ex left me to move to a different state with his ex's family. I have had not so hot luck with me over the past few years so I am always gun shy.
So when My friend starting becoming more and more aggressive, and from just information I have had about his relationship. I have opened up just a little, but I am very adamant about him not being attached.
I am ok with a pure physical relationship, but only if he's single at the time.
I feel if his current girlfriend is not doing what he needs he needs to let her go so she can move on and find someone who she doesn't have to worry about. I think my friend is a sex addict, cause he has cheated on all his women claiming they can't keep up with his sex drive.
I have a high sex drive myself, but I also cannot cheat, I get attached when sleeping with someone I am very sexually committal. I think he would be too if he found someone who liked doing it as much as he does.
He tends to always date girls who are very needy, or have some insanely bad issues, or ones he shouldn't like the girls that work for him.
Our relationship has always been really normal. I have known quiet a few of his exes and if they don't act like stalkers with him then they are drug addicts, or girls who are very young dumb and naive.
His current girlfriend from what I have met ( the one time for 10 minutes I met her ) seemed quiet normal.
Yet our mutual friend who speaks to him about everything tells me she doesn't like to sleep with him, and she's just cold and distant, he has confirmed what the friend told me, even tho I never asked him about it. It worries me cause he has always been kinda needy himself, I think I am still in love with him, but I know what I have to do.
I am to old for casual, and I told him. I am just not sure if he will ever realize he's got a good person in me. But I am not waiting around either, if it happens it will I guess.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (30 August 2007):
I think he likes the thrill of sneaking around. He seems to have a pattern, he gets involved with someone, once the "new" wears off, he starts fooling around behind their back. Which means he's a player with some committment issues but doesn't like being alone. You can flirt with him all you want, but I wouldn't let it go any further otherwise you will simply become the "new" thing he later gets bored with anyhow. And you know you'll always have to watch him like a hawk. You deserve so much more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Hmm... it's hard to say without seeing the way he behaves around you. If he hasn't asked you to sleep with him or do anything with him by now then I highly doubt he is using you - perhaps he really does like you!
By the way, I think it was very good of you to say 'no' to seeing him because he had a girlfriend, even though you like him.
However, if you do like him, I don't think you should make a move until you are absolutely certain that he isn't still going out with this girl and that he isn't going to use you.
If you don't want to go out with him then just keep saying 'no' to him because he can't keep asking. He will eventually get the picture.
I can understand that if you like him you are feeling a bit confused but just leave it a while, then see how things are going before having a little chat with him to find out what's happening and where you stand.
Like I said, though, wait until you know for definite he has finished with his lady before doing any of this!
But as an answer to your last question, I don't think he is using you because after 10 years of knowing you, if he was going to ask you to sleep with him he would have done so by now. However, the person who can make the best judgment on whether he is using you or not is YOU! You are the one who sees exactly how he is around you and what he says!
Hope this helped! X
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