A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:I have a question which I've asked myself a thousand times..why do I feel sorry for myself for doing the right thing which was leave an abusive man which I've been dating for 4yrs..First of all I have kids who thank god have never witnessed anything..but everytime he does something stupid like cheating or put his hands on me mind you he said it's not like he's ever punched me..just choked and slapped me..he always has an excuse like we were having problems like when we tried living together and I had to kick him out for trying to choke me.I always give in cuz I start thinkin that maybe I should settle cuz the majority of guys are full of it..he does everything for me not pay my bills but just little things..I just broke up with him cuz an incident that occured on Friday which was putting his hands on me and he told me if I loved him I wouldn't leave him cuz we've been thru alot..I feel that this is the best because for the safety of me and my boys which he is not the father..all I need to know if its normal for me to think of a man that has been so cruel at times..before I met him I was always very strong and I use to always say that I would never allow someone to do half of the stuff he has but how the hell did I end up being so weak when I have alot goin for myself good job, attractive and honest is it normal for women to feel this way after a break up..please help!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): wow, this is crazy. after reading your question, i felt like i was reading something i had written. i recently broke up with my emotion/physically abusive boyfriend of 6 years..a few months ago. its been really hard for me to adjust because we did everything together and i find myself missing him and getting mad that he doesn't seem to care..especially when i did everything for him and treated him so good and he treated me like complete crap. Everything bad tha tyou could possibly do/say to a person, he did to me and i still feel like i love him and want him back. its insane. I realized that I could do better but at the same time, I feel as though he was the only guy that hasn't just used me for sex, so i dont know where to go from here and I have no faith in men at all. I don't want to settle for a loser, but all i hear is how men cheat, no matter how good of a guy they seem, they're all the same. Ugh i don't know what im going to do. I'm trying to gain my self esteem back but it's hard ya know? I'm doing whats good for me though..im b ack in school, going to graduate with my B.S. in Communication in dec. of 2010, but I still missing having someone with me all the time and someone to go do things with whenever we felt like it. We had a lot in common and i feel like i wont be able to ever find anyone else...I want a nice guy that builds me up that wont cheat on me and is actually mature and grown up. Is that too much to ask for these days?!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): you feel that way because your pride is hurt. Pride for going out for so long with such a tosser. Also you are now on your owns o you have time to think more and that multiplies it especially when factoring loneliness.
You should write down 10 reasons why him going is good for you and wave it every time you feel sad. You did the right thing completely - it would only get worse until you were in hospital or dead (then who would bring up your kids?)
you did good to get out. be proud of that. He hasnt destroyed you - you wouldnt let him.
so stop thinking about it (this is the cause of the problem) see this post and the answers here
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-will-i-do-without-her-in-my.html
the same thing applies - stop thinking about it....
Big hug Star.x.
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A
female
reader, Ladelund  +, writes (23 April 2009):
Jazziel. It is very normal for you to be feeling the way you are. You are doing the right thing for you and your boys. Leaving an abusive relationship isn't easy...so be gentle with yourself.
I manage a women's shelter for abused women and have been working with abused women for many years.
My best advice is for you to contact with your local women's shelter and find out if they have programs (groups, individual counselling) that you can attend and whether or not they have an outreach worker that you can connect with. If you are struggling finding one...call your local police detachment...they should be able to help you.
This man is an abuser and will continue to be until he takes responsibility for his choice to be abusive and seeks appopriate help. Do not believe what he says about being "pushed" into being abusive because of stress or something you did or being drunk...it is all excuses for bad behaviour.
Don't do this alone Jazziel...seek out people that can help you. You have nothing to be ashamed of...you are still a strong woman! Leaving him takes alot of courage...don't kid yourself! Good luck.
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