A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Gonna ask a stupid question and your gonna think im silly. My ex and me have been on/off 3yrs! Weve never lived together. Gone on on hol together! He has on two lads hols! Never seen each other more than 4 days wk! And yet he tells me he loves me and im the only one he loves. And wants to be with me always! We fall out cos i want more to this so i tell him please dont text me or contact me cos we want different things! I love him and really want more with him! But i know i wont get it! So weeks go by and he will text saying hes a fool and idiot, hes messed up.im the only one who really know him! And cos i have feeling i take him back! We do have a lovely time when we r together. We go out 4 meals. Cuddle up and talk bout rubbish and it funny. But i cant handle him going off all the time doing his own thing! Example off to weddings without me! Days out with his mates and him letting me down saying he cant come now for some excuse! When ive been lookin foward to it. I feel rejected. Lonely. And upset! Ive always been so nice to him. Cooked his tea. Breakfast in bed before he goes to work. Running his bath. And yet i dont get much back in return! Why am i doing this! I also found out that he had been with at least 10 women on our breaks! When all i did was go out anti depressants and cry lots! Didnt even date anyone else cos i was hurt! I feel ive wasted 3 years im no further foward than i was then! Why do i let him do this! Sometimes i feel this is what i derserve! I cant understand when i give him love. Respect. He dont wanna be with me properly! Its not me is it? This isnt what its mean to be like surely?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 April 2009):
 "Its not me is it? This isnt what its mean to be like surely?"
Yes, and yes. You let him behave this way, reward it even by being there whenever he feels like using you some more and then even being more sub-servant then a normal would be in a healthy relationship.
"Ive always been so nice to him. Cooked his tea. Breakfast in bed before he goes to work. Running his bath."
Yup, you have been nice to him and asked for nothing in return and that is EXACTLY what you got. Nothing.
He has exactly what he wants, freedom and an easy lay whenever he feels like it. He is not going to change, why should he? If you want things to change then you got to do it. Why do you allow it?
Well, you don't really say anything about yourself so let me offer a general theory.
Women grow up with the idea that the bad guy can be saved by the right woman. Beauty and the beast is the ultimate example but hardly alone. The beast is a nasty creature with no compassion who deserved his fate. Yet along comes the sweet beauty and saves him (well not in the book but that hardly matters). Entertainment knows countless examples of this, it is how women grow up.
The recent movie "He just ain't that into you" might be different (doubt it) and suits your situation perfectly. He is less into you then you are into him. Why? Well another theory of mine is that this is easier. A healthy relationship going wrong might be your fault. In this case you can put all the blaim on him and you are the suffering heroine, suffering for love.
Ultimately the answer must come from you, why do you allow yourself to be used by someone who obviously through his actions doesn't give a ratsass about you.
Oh, he says he loves you? If that is your defence then I got a little secret for you. Guys have been known to on occasion lie to women to get in their pants. Shocking I know but true.
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