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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a 42 years old and have been married 26 years. I got married at 16 and have only been with my husband. My husband was 20 when we got married and had been with other women. Back then, (hispanic culture) is what we did, get married and have children. My husband from the beginning was abusive and I always keep this to myself. By the time we were married about 12 years the abuse was much less, however, it happened on occasions. I promised to stay married until my children graduated high and mean while i would get my degree. So things were getting better and when I saw that my husband had changed he had a one night stand or so he says. I found the hotel tag in his truck. He swears he did not know this woman and that he could not perform although he tried. I dont believe it but i wasnt there so I just left it as that. Never did I hurt so much as this betrayal. I vowed to get back at him and finish my degree asap. We fought for years after that and in my mind there was always revenge. So when I went to school meet someone that was 14 years younger than me. He would always flirt with me passing me notes and winking his eye at me. We became really close and i could see he admired me for some strange reason. Well after we both completed our degree plan we graduated together and he left for an out of state job. I visited him with some friends of mine and we talked. He was always very respectful but loved to flirt. I vowed to get my husband back and i thought since he was a close friend i could ask him to kiss me. I have never kissed anyone else. So, when he came down during vacation, we meet and we kissed, he is married now but wasnt when i asked him to kiss me. So, we only see each other once a year and this past christmas we saw each other again and it farther than i kiss, we did not have sex but we kissed quite a bit. I have fallen for him, but i make every effort i can to not call him because i know this is stupid. Before our first kiss, had been friends for five years. He said he has waited such a long time to be with me. I do not expect him to be with me. But I would love to remain friends with him and be apart of his life. I know that we cannot be alone together because he does not keep his hands to himself, he is very determined and does not give up. I try to justify my actions by telling myself "you got your husband back big time". and laugh but i know it is not right because i think i love him because i think about him all the time and the time we were together. He has introduced me to his wife, daughter, mother, so i am sort of a friend of the family once a year. What should i do! I feel my life will totally be empty without him. Am I so pathetic that I cant be strong enough to rule my thoughts. As far as my husband, he treats me well, takes care of me and ok....spoils me, which i know i am taking advantage of. But all i say to myself...."it my turn to be a bitch".....I know i am wrong!!!But i cant help it. All I ever wanted is to be married to the father of my children and grow old with this man but be happy. I know my husband is a good man now, but why did it take him so long that now i have bitterness in my heart. Any help would be appreciated
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christmas, flirt, infidelity, one night stand, revenge Reply to this Question
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (5 February 2006):
 Dear Lady,
Your bitterness is understandable for a while. Forgive him. In your situation, you were brought up to believe in fairy tales...if you are a perfect wife...they will always be a perfect husband. He shattered your fairytale...now it is time to put little girl dreams away...and not make the same mistake with your own daughters if you have any. Teach them that a relationship is two people who are not ever going to be exactly perfect.
All you ever wanted was to grow old with the father of your children...yet you were consumed with revenge? Can you not understand that the bitterness and revenge has done more damage to you than the affair ever did?
He cheated with his penis...yet you are cheating with your heart. He saw the damage he did to you and has for years tried to make up for it...it is time you let him. Forgive him. You have carried this burden in your heart so long it has swelled and become a monster. Forgive him and release the horror and hatred you have harbored for so long. He is a good man now? (and his reward for putting up with your sadness all this time is that you feel your life would be empty without this other man?)
Ok...fast forward. You leave your husband with hopes and dreams that the friend will leave his wife and you and he have mad passionate sex. Now what. How empty will your life be as you look in the eyes of your children and see their dissapproval and hatred? How empty will your life be if you become the other mans fling on the side...and his wife who has accepted you and offered you her friendship must learn that you and her husband have betrayed her. How empty will you feel looking into her eyes? How will you face your friends and neighbors...those in your church?
You have no idea how lucky you are. Your husband made one mistake...not twenty...not for years. Just once in his life he let everyone down.... He has suffered too you know. Have you never done something or said something you wished with all your heart you could take back? He can't take it back either. But, he has worked on himself and has tried to become the man he knows you hoped for.
What have you been doing? Educating yourself is wonderful. Getting trapped in your own monsters jaws was not such a great plan. You have spent years nurturing the monster....and set him free and Bam...he has pounced on you...making you think you are In Love with this other man.
Forgive your husband and yourself and Show that darling husband of yours that you are his and he is the most wonderful thing in your life. As far as the other guy...just forget it. Once you sit down and truely forgive your hubby...the world may seem a much brighter place for you again. Look at your beautiful children...reallly look at them. Can you imagine being without them...appreciate that they are healthy and loved and secure in their world. Appreciate that your husband puts effort into spoiling the person he loves and making sure she has nice things.
Why did it take your husband so long to become a good man? For the same reasons it has taken you so long to forgive him. He did not appreciate what he had until he understood how it could all be swept away. I wish you luck and peace in your heart.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 January 2006):
 Well, well, well, you say you are 42 years old? You are acting more like a 14 year old. Stop all contact with your little MARRIED friend and focus on your own marriage. If you cannot see any possibility for happiness in your marriage then get a divorce. What you really really need to do is to grow up and quit whining.
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