A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The subject of my fiancee going to a stag weekend where there they go to a strip club/pole dancing came up (we're together a year). He said he wouldn't think of going twice and what was the big deal. I was shocked at his reaction. He was then shocked at my reaction at being shocked. I'm gob smacked that he says that I'm not normal that I think it's not right for him to go to a place like this for stag weekend. The fact we are about to marry soon and he thinks what's the big deal if he was engaged, going steady or married. As all it is, is boobs lap dancing etc no touching. I don't know what to say to him in that I feel really hurt and at the same time I feel stupid for my reaction as he's making this out that it's me who's not normal. Why do I feel wrong to be hurt he hasn't got a problem going to places like these when he goes to stag do's? I'm aware that going to places like these is not such a big deal so long as you don't sleep with someone. I feel gutted at his thinking first that I'm not normal before he thinks to ask me why I feel like this or how can I feel hurt. Like it's more about everyone else accepts it so what's the big deal. I want to share my feelings with him without him getting upset with me but I feel if I do he will explode with anger. We come from different walks of life and upbringings which makes for us seeing things in a different way. I don't want to bombard him with my feelings on this but I do want him to know for me, I would be hurt. If he still choose to go along I would accept his choice and not hold it against him but I'm concerned that accepting his choice still leaves me hurt. I don't understand my feelings and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable with me. I'd really appreciate a genuine opinions and feelings on this subject. Thank you very much for your replies.
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female
reader, Candycane1234 +, writes (19 June 2012):
 I don't think it's acceptable in a relationship, going to strippers when you're single is a bit dodgy aswell unless it's some kind of peer pressure thing.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 have you ever been in a strip club?
the men cannot touch the women even when getting a lap dance they have to sit on their hands.... the bouncers make sure to support the women in this.... the best dancer i ever saw was a (young) GRANDmother... she had a great figure and wore glasses and it was a trip to watch her...
it's all about fun and games... no cameras... no proof.. and no sex... actually the dancers prefer the men to come in with their wives and girlfriends... (at least that's what I've always seen... when we go with the guys they get way more attention than the single guys there get)...
I always say I don't care where my man gets his appetite as long as he eats at home.
OTOH I respect how you feel and perhaps if it's a deal breaker for you he needs to respect that too...
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (11 October 2011):
 You feel how you feel and that's your entitlement. I would worry about this because having worked with men in a very male dominated workplace (building construction), they used to go on stag weekends and would come back and say "What goes on tour stays on tour", so even if your man did do something, I guess you wouldn't get to hear about it. Women seem to take this sort of thing much more lightheartedly, so if you go to see a male stripper it's all giggles and screams, but I believe men view this very differently. My brother told me years ago about a stag party he went to, where there were several strippers and one picked on the nerdiest guy there. She actually got his knob out (and it was huge apparently) and she proceeded to bounce on him and even my brother was shocked because she appeared to shag the guy in front of the crowd! I know another guy who thought it was very acceptable in Amsterdam to buy a blow job before he went out for the night (or during the evening if he felt like it). I know of another guy who is married with a lovely little boy, and yet he and a mate paid this women to have sex with them both in a local hotel - and then he brought the phone in with videos of the said act in to work so we could all have a look. Which type of man is your man?? Do you think he's one of the good guys, or do you think he's a slimeball who is capable of doing what these guys did?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a stag party for singles, hence the term "stag"??
But let's put that aside for a moment, because there's something you said in your post that's a whole lot more important than even him going to a stag party.
You want to share your feelings but you think he'll explode with anger?? Has he ever exploded in the past? This is really unsettling if you believe that your feelings will cause him to explode, hence you're afraid to. This is a monumental red flag.
A healthy relationship is supposed to be secure enough to handle your feelings about something. You're allowed to object to something just as he is, and he owes you a respectful discussion of that subject so that you both can get to know each other better in the telling.
There is something really wrong if you believe that your feelings should be squashed because you're afraid of his anger and that he'll feel "uncomfortable". You're about to marry him! That is a HUGE huge problem, because you'll hold things in and they'll fester until YOU explode.
I'm with you! If this was a bachelor party and his friends dragged him to the strip club or whatever, I wouldn't care because it's all the ritual, but stag parties for the entire weekend are different.
You say that "The fact we are about to marry soon and he thinks what's the big deal if he was engaged, going steady or married." That's WHY you don't go to stag parties! There are things you do when you're single, and things you don't do when you're engaged. You have the right to object!
I wonder how he'd feel if you went out for a weekend of "ladies night" at the club without him and got sweaty and started grinding with a bunch of hot men. Hello? Lap dances? I bet he'd blow a gasket if you wanted to do that!
Tell him how you feel, and you have no business marrying him if you are feeling like you have to stuff things in order for him to not explode or you're scared that your feelings will make him uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): At the end of the day, a lot of Stag do's these days go along these lines. But I think it is safe to say it is harmless fun. I would let it go. The more you stress about the more tension there will be over what should be a lad's night out. And he can hardly say to his friends that he's not allowed to go!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 October 2011):
 I think strip clubs are very much the "norm" for male stag parties. (even for some female) - I think it's HIGHLY unimagniative to do strip clubs for a stag/hen party, but I guess it comes down to who arrange it.
I would tell him how you feel, but I would also trust him to respect you on the night of his stag party. I would tell him that you don't like the idea but that you trust him.
Personally I find the whole Strip Club idea lame, but I would not be upset if my husband's friends took him there for his stag. Thankfully they did a bunch of other stuff that didn't involve strip clubs or skanky women.
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