A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for one year.She is 28 years old and she had an affair with a married man when she was still married few years back. Her then husband was a womanizer and that's when she got involved with this sweet talking guy who happens to be her ex husband's friend.Their relationship lasted for about a year after which she decided to stop the affair co of the fact that the guy was already using her for financial gain.My question is: I get jealous not of her ex husband but of that guy whom she had an affair with. I feel that she loved him a lot for her to go into that kind of hide and seek relationship. My girlfriend has been honest with me about this because I asked her so many questions about her past. But then I get hurt listening to it all. (1) Why do I ask questions knowing I will get hurt? And (2) why do I get hurt about her past which didn't even involved me? I'm so desperate for answers please because I keep on getting these images in my head about their sexual escapades before. I know its unfair for my girlfriend to use her honesty against her knowing that I was not the one she cheated on.Help me please find some answers.Thank you.
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affair, her ex, her past, jealous, married man, womaniser Reply to this Question
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (6 October 2012):
some focus on the jealousy angle when guys get upset about their partners past. Along with many guys I also can get pretty upset to learn that someone used, abused, hurt, or simply made fun of the woman I love and care about. Sometimes the woman is scarred for life and it is incredibly frustrating that all the love and caring you can give will not fix those scars. Yes, sometimes I feel mad with the woman for allowing herself to get into those situations, but then you have to use your intelligence and work out that she was younger, easily influenced, made a mistake, was drunk, met a pushy guy, etc etc. Or maybe she was just having a bit of casual fun. From my experience it only hurts when the woman was hurt or unhappy. And yes, in some ways it would be better if we didnt mention our pasts at all. However, its not just the guys that ask questions and get upset with the answers.OP, you have to use your brain to control your imagination, the reality was surely nothing like you imagine it! Stop comparing yourself to the what you imagine those expartners were like. Instead use your mental energy to plan something nice to do with your girlfriend. Good luck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I'm wondering if maybe this can't have something to do with your own moral standpoint? That perhaps it's not jealousy, but resentment? You disapprove of her cheating, and hence this action bothers you?
I know it would bother me a lot, so much in fact that I don't think I could carry on the relationship. But that's just me. It would be on my mind a lot, and make me nervous, troubled, and angry. And yes, I think I would feel hurt even though she didn't cheat on me. It's the action itself, the morality of it. The idea that she's done it before, so she's likeable to do it again. The idea that a relationship, and it's "rules", aren't of high value to her. That in return would mean I would be at risk, because another man like her past lover could come along. And she didn't resist him then, so why would she now?
I think you're identifying yourself with her ex husband, because you, like him, are having a relationship with her. The lovers position is on the sidelines, and the lover knows about her relationship. But you, in the relationship, would not know about the lover. So this would bother you less if you were in the lover position, because then you'd know where you had her. As it is, you aren't sure where you have her, or if you can trust her.
That's just my take on it.
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 What happened in your girlfriends past had nothing to do with you. What happened in your past had nothing to do with your girlfriend. We can't all live our lives beating ourselves up about something in which we had no involvement. You have to put these negative thoughts out of your mind and think about the relationship that you have built together. She's with you and you should be proud and happy of that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella. Your brutally frank answer was an eye opener for me. It made me realise more how much she loves me despite of my present condition.
I will read further the articles that you recommended.
Thank you once again.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Hi
You ask these questions right now as you think it will make you feel better. In the long run it will not make you feel better.
And you are correct. She has never cheated on you. You do not now and did not then "OWN" her life. It is important that you find peace and acceptance and love in your hear to put aside your feelings that you even have a right to ask (you don't) and that you even have a right to know (you don't)
Girls would do themselves a huge favour by refusing to answer these questions. They answer these questions and reveal so much because they love the guy.
And the what do they get in return? Nothing but pain and misery and sometimes the guy even breaks up with them.
Better that all girls refuse to answer these questions and walk away from guys suffering this horrible condition. Leaving all sufferers of Retroactive Jealousy to live out the rest of their lives Celibate. It truly is not worth the pain. Girls rarely want a blow by blow description of every assignation he has ever had. Girls have lives to lead and simply don't want to know the gory details - because it is all Water Under the Bridge. It is in the Past. The moment has gone. The memories are rarely revisited.
She is with you. She trusts you. She loves you. She is open and honest with you.
So then you put her through suffering about things she did before she even knew you existed. Where is the Justice in that?
You are suffering a well known condition and your life will be better once you can overcome this very tough affliction.
It is called Retroactive Jealousy and it will make life so tough if you cannot overcome it. And I am not suggesting it is easy to overcome.
Uncle Yos on this site is THE expert on Retroactive Jealousy - which is indeed a very cruel affliction.
Please see posts on this condition you are suffering.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
And here is another great one from Tisha_1
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
The two posts above are some of the many really good articles from truly fantastic Aunts and Uncles on this site and included in this post
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/22--great-articles-from-great-aunts-and.html
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