A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do I always want a challenge and reject a man who shows real interest in me? I seem to have a pattern of behavior in relationships. I always go after the "bad boys", the ones who for a variety of reasons, just aren't emotionally available. I've dated a few "nice guys", but I always felt they weren't smart enough, or exciting enough, or challenging enough and I broke it off. My current situation is a prime example. I am currently talking to two men who I met through the same dating site. The man I am more interested in, I happen to already know as an acquaintance, and he's the quintessential bad boy for me: I contacted him first, he a musician, he has tattoos, and he is still attending college in his late 20s. The second man is the nice guy: he contacted me first, he works at a bank, and he seems to make a comfortable living. The problem is the nice guy is pursuing me, returning my emails within hours, and I'm not even sure if I'm interested. The bad boy only talks via IM, causally mentions getting together, and I'm totally into him! Nice guy added me to his "favorites" on the dating site, while bad boy has deleted his profile! What is wrong with me? I am beginning to hate myself for this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): At least you're willing to admit that you're totally making your own mess here. That's kind of refreshing.
Get some self-esteem.
You're not interested in the nice banker because the fact that he's so interested in you means you think he must not be aiming very high. You like the bad-boy better because he seems to regard you as only moderately interesting. So you interpret that to mean he's desirable enough to be doing better than you. So you have taken this situation to mean the bad-boy is actually the bigger & more challenging prize here. Dumb.
You could also realize that there is more than one way to view the banker guy too. You're jumping to the conclusion that he's "desperate" or something just because he got off his ass and acted. He may be a desperate nerd or maybe he is just trying not to waste his time. Maybe he likes you so he acts on that. You look at it as "needy" when it could just be assertiveness and an impatience with the unwritten social bullshit that you're being so swayed by. If he's trying to have a decent career & life, then maybe he doesn't have time & patience to string along 5 or 10 undergrad coeds while deciding which one is the easiest lay.
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