A
female
age
36-40,
*ishdish
writes:Aunts, This guy I've been dating admittedly not very long, little over a month, just told me tonight that basically I'm in the friend zone. I'm annoyed because he says things like I like you more and more everyday and he sent me a sweet card about how much he liked me and great he thinks i am and just yesterday he was talking about getting matching piercings together?! I know that sounds stupid but unfortunately it’s just the most recent and fresh in my mind. We left yesterday with him, on his own accord and no prompting on my end, with him promising to ”continue" our date this weekend (I don't mean in a sexy way, just in like having part ii of a date). Why would you say these things if you just felt like being friends?It's not for getting in my pants, he has already told me it takes a while for him to be comfortable with a person to have sex. I had finally decided to stop telling myself to not care about him so much and trust him and let my guard down and this happens and I'm not going to come back to the godawful dating scene for a year at least. I know this may come off desperate but I haven't liked anyone new in my life for so long (11years)-not for lack of trying to be open-and hadn't allowed myself to feel anything for someone so long and I was taken with him almost immediately, nothing like that has ever even happened to me so this is hard. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2015):
 Don't this this guy discourage you from dating. One thing though I have learned is when a guy is VERY romantic right out of the gate and VERY vocal in all these future things you will do together, making promises or declaring deep feeling BEFORE he really get to know you - he rarely lasts.
It's like a bottle rocket, you light it (met each other) it zoom to the sky (wanting matching piercing and all this really like you a lot talk) then boom and pppbbbst. All done.
It's not sustainable to be OH SO over the moon about a stranger. The more he gets to know the girl the more he realizes that SHE doesn't match whatever "fantasy GF" he carries around in his heart or mind. And that is when the "friendzone or let's be friends" gets pulled out.
Sometimes people (not just guy) do it to make the other person step up and "try and convince" them that they ARE that dream partner. Or to make the other person a little insecure and unhappy about themselves. That way they can easily manipulate them into FWB or whatever.
Chalk this guy up to a dud - bottle rocket.
He isn't really interested in getting to know you on a deeper level and guess what? HIS LOSS.
So move on, don't take the "let's be friends" card he is handing out. Just let him know you weren't looking for a friend and then CUT the contact. And then try again.
IT WAS only a month you spend on this guy. No big deal. Yes, it's a bit painful to be rejected but would you rather he strung you along further? Or that he waited till after sex to let you know?
Come on, he is just ONE guy.
Get back in the saddle.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2015): Guys just assume women like sweet-talk in a romantic situation. They don't necessarily mean it, but some guys do it; because it seems appropriate and they figure you expect it. How can you date someone, and never say or do anything romantic? Dates are little courtships to evaluate and to feel-out a person's romantic connection with you. It's unfortunate that sometimes their the wrong match. You may not see it, but they might. So you my need to dissolve this now, before your feelings get hurt.
He seems ambivalent about whether he likes you one way or another. That means he may still be wrestling with his feelings; and you may be coming across as a bit anxious for a boyfriend. You may not even be aware of the type of vibes you're sending. Perhaps a little desperation and/or neediness. That is sure to spark the fight or flight reflex in many men. He may have backed-off, because he just isn't ready for anything serious. Don't conclude all your romantic attempts with men will end this way. It may have happened several times; but that only means you haven't found the right one yet. That's just how it goes. Dating is a process, so you continue on. You enjoy it for what it's worth and not be on a manhunt. Guys get flighty when they pickup that vibe.
When you're not getting what you want; and a person doesn't reciprocate your feelings, you should send them on their way. You shouldn't allow anyone to toy with your emotions; especially when you feel yourself becoming attached.
You really ought to tell him that he has mislead you; and then changed unexpectedly. I think you should dump him before your feelings really get stuck on him. You're not looking for a friend right now; if that's all this means to him. Don't force yourself to pretend you're satisfied with anything less than what you are looking for. That's not being fair to yourself, or to him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 October 2015):
 I am guessing you came out of a long term relationship and are new to the dating scene. things changed, people changed through the years because of how technology offers easy access to the world. Every one knows how to have a great first date. they know great things to say, in case there's a second date. What people feel inside is another story. Real trust does not happen until at least 2 years into a relationship. Any sweet words you hear when he's not a boyfriend yet, can only be half believed, until you see actions that back it up. If his disinterest has caused you to give up entirely for a year, it could mean that you are not in a good place in life and you need more time to recover from the past so in the future you don't carry that pessimistic attitude with you when you date again. by all means take a year off and refresh mind and soul.
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