A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im a very keep it to myself type of guy, this means that i never make the first move on a girl. So the result of this pretty introduction is that i dont get girls to date me. Bear with me on this for a moment :D ill get to the point :D right! Since i can remember ive had 3 girlfriends(im 28) and all 3 of them tooked the first step, all 3 of them dumped me in the secound month. Now to the point: they have all comed back, for sex mainly, in some point in time and then they stay just enough time to let me like them again and then, almost on pourpose the dump me. Is this normal? It cant be! Im a smart person, maybe a little antisocial but thats not a reason for girls to take advantage of me like that. I mean, try to make them happy: i reasearch on their tastes, book a travel when i can, i try not to get into routines i let them in my interests. Is it because im a lonely guy? I have few friends, maybe a hands count. Can some1 give me a tip thats not based on an easy answer cliche? I really would like to ear an impaired answer because the people i know dont seem to be able to give me an answer i can understand, its really frustrating.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Thank you for your interesting follow up.
Invariably if a Product in the Market is not attracting buyers the manufacturer does not change the product inside the package.
They just do a few changes to the packaging.
I think it is Great that you have a Five year plan. And staying on track with that is a great idea and takes immense determination in the face of distractions.
However sometimes a little tweaking around the edges does not hurt. People can get into a rut.
Or be too fixed in their approach.
Think of a Holiday place that could take you out of your comfort zone. (Visit the Grand Canyon? visit China? travel to Katmandu? Go fishing in New Zealand) Something adventurous? Something you have never considered before.
If you prefer fried food banish all fried food and takeaways for 6 months and then Learn to cook. Cook ALL your own meals for 6 months.
Get yourself involved in a new (good/safe/uplifting) activity or hobby. (join a local group doing something good for others?)
Challenge yourself in some way physically (train for a marathon?)
Re packaging you does not mean a single thing on the outside has to change. But the changes you will ellicit from changing your actions will result in visible changes to the outside of you. And Hopefully make you far more confident about living your life successfully with an ability to get on well with a wide range of people.
AND without others being able to take advantage of you anymore.
Since you will learn how YOU that your needs need to be met first and you need to love and value you first before you can successfully have an EQUITABLE (FAIR) relationship with another.
Allowing others to manipulate you does not work to help the situation. Others lose respect for you when you do not have the confidence in you to deal with manipulators.
Best wishes for the future
Abella
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): hey abella, thx for your answer, its really something you know?
Wow, my last girlfriend started as a fwb and then it evolved into a steady relationship... 1 month at least... Now after 3 years she returns and its starting all over again. Some of the questions(i hope you do not...) you asked earlier about me have positive answers but im not ashame of them because they are all temporary, i have made a 5 year life plan and theres nothing that is going do deviate me from it. When feel this girls are threatning it i simply turn the flame down or then i get out.this is an atitude that i have devoleped since this last girl 3 years ago. I learned how to take contrl of my life but now im like freezer sometimes. Is it impossible to have both things? I really need to upgrade my game because my image is only atracting bad girls
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 July 2012):
girls cannot take advantage of you if you do not permit it.
If the girls try to treat you like their servant or their money resource then be alert for unreasonable demands and develop the confidence to say 'no'.
It will take time and work for you to develop these skills. But once you learn to stand up for yourself you will get a Rush of Self confidence.
It truly feels Good when you look after You. Instinctively you will recognise the approprieteness of a decision made by you
Hope my other answer helps too :)
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 July 2012):
hi
On first assessment it sounds like you are a gentleman but that you have low self esteem and are not assertive enough.
And you are just too nice and too accomodating.
These girls chose you. You did not choose them. This needs to change to ensure that you connect with the girls who really will meet your needs best.
You know who you are and what you need better than anyone.
Since these girls DID choose you I can therefore say that you do have some charm and you look presentable and appear to be interesting (with potential)at the time these girls have asked you out.
That's a plus for you.
However the relationships have faltered.
Were your dates a problem? If the girls thought you have 'promise' but you were not as they expected, once they got to know you, then yes that would be a negative. But the problem can be addressed.
But to better meet your needs you will need to work on building your own self confidence, to value you on more levels than you do now. Your assertive skills could do with a tune up too.
Plus it would appear that you are very good in bed. That's a tick for you, in the girl's eyes, as they keep coming back for more.
But you really deserve far better than to be 'available' for their pleasure.
I think you need to put more thought into who you are, what you want, what you deserve and where you want your life to go and start clarifying your own aims/goals.
You sound like a nice guy.That's another tick for you.
But you put all your efforts into making the girls happy.
Relationships need give and take. They also need to be putting in the effort to make you feel good too.
But so do you. Every single day of your life you also need to be giving to you, loving to you, respectful to you regarding what you want, need, desire.
Relationships are not about you giving and them taking.
You can start now to develop your goals. Create the conditions you need and want to ensure things are good for you.
Develop some hobbies. Join a group that develops a skill or does good things in the community. Things like this help you build your own communication skills and your relationship skills. And assist you to ensure that your decisions are made with empathy for you and empathy for others as well.
Remind yourself to be kind and forgiving of YOU every day. Don't be afraid to give yourself verbal rewards and praise daily. Especially if no one else is giving you these essential daily treats to support you.
As you develop your self esteem and learn to be more assertive you will gain the confidence to ask out the girls you want to ask.
And the confidence to notice that the relationship is moving in the direction that best meets your needs. Or is not - alerting you to problems early on that need to be worked out, not ignored.
Another option is to explore some free online tests for EQ which is Emotional intelligence.
The first time your EQ result may not be the one you want.
But study the alternative responses and you will see how and why the alternatives work more effectively.
Then you might like to explore some short term counselling with a psychologist to assist you with some life coaching and touch on developing some more effective relationship skills.
I will also assume that you shower daily, do not have body odor, nor bad breath?
I will assume that you are not regularly getting drunk nor using mind affecting illicit drugs? Because doing this can be a bore for others, if they find it is becoming too often and too many times.
I will assume you are not glued to a screen either watching porn or playing online games.
I will assume you are not wayyyyyy too close to your Mom such that your Mom dominates all your efforts to make your own decisions.
I will assume you do not have a gambling problem
I will assume you do not use disrespecful language.
I CAN exclude those things above, because I sense that you are respectful and that you are a gentleman.
Thus I think self esteem issues and not being assertive enough are the issues you need to work on.
Best Wishes
Abella
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