A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,New to these forums, but I guess my answer is straight up is; Why did she treat him better than me? What's he got better than me?So, rewind, The story goes like this... (try to make this short as I can)Ive been with this girl about 6 months, love her lots, think she could be the one but there are a few things which inexplicably irk me. Now I dont normally consider myself to be a jealous person but her past has always been a bother to me. Nothing I couldnt handle but this girl was very promiscuous for a period of time. Now there's this one ex (if you could call him that) in question that really bothers me. He was this guy she had a brief fling with. Now she treated this guy so well for the short time they "dated". She would fly interstate to see him, get her own accom, transport in addition to spending money on him willingly etc. She gave herself to on a silver platter for his pleasure, so Ffwd, she and this guy had a thing, they sleep together (lots) and he treats her like shit afterwards, screws her over leaving her feeling hurt and used. Now a while later they get in contact again she forgives him and they hook up again. But nothing materializes and then I come along, treated her like a princess. But... she doesnt reciprocate, with me she is a spendthrift, shes unforgiving (for lesser crimes Ive commited) and I have to ASK if I want anything from her. This makes me hurt and envious. I'm no pushover but I consider myself to be better than that scumbag. So why doesnt she dote on me like I really deserve to be? Shes loved many men and lost many of them but she never treated any of them as good as she treated him. I hate to measure love by amount of money spent. But what did he ever do to deserve her goodness? While good guys like get the rough end of her? It hurts me cos I feel like in her eyes I am less than him when this is not true. It also makes me resent her knowing that he used her and dumped her and if shes not good enough for a trashbag like him how could she be for me?Please help? I really hate feeling this way... Another perspective perhaps? atm I am just very hurt, angry and confused.Thank you.
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her past, jealous, money, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): I think girls like the bad boys because women, by nature, want to mother and nurture someone. We want to feel like we are important and needed. Bad boys need someone to help them pull themselves together and to see what love is maybe we are just the one who can do it and in doing so validate our own worth! .... Good boys who already have their lives together don't seem to need us. We need them and then it just seems all too dull. It then starts to make us feel like we are not good enough if HE needs to take care of us. We don't want to be fixed, we want to be the caregiver. Its all human nature.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust out of curiosity Miss anonymous 27th May,
How did you come to identify with my story?
I had trawled many websites and forums for stories/advice/columns for insight in info similar to mine and to no avail. Joining up to this was a brilliant move. This sort of advice serves to make one a more understanding person as well. Not just a temporary solution to a particular situation.
Would love to stay in touch,
Great replies, keep 'em coming!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): Hello ,
Glad to hear you are feeling better (I am miss 27th May btw). Sometimes all you need is a bit of perspective and some time to calm down.
People try to gain approval of others. In your case your girlfriend was trying to get the approval of her ex by going out of her way to please him - spending money on him or by traveling to see him. By treating her badly or acting like he did not care he actually perpetuated this kind of behavior in her - making her do more for him in the hopes that he will finally like her or treat her better.
'' It is something SHE did for HIM''. This just means that relationships are different. If cast your mind back to YOUR previous girlfriends, you will see that the dynamics of your relationship with each of them will have differed slightly. You might have treated one girlfriend more gently because she was of a softer nature than another girlfriend who might have been more independent or strong willed. Every relationship is unique. Although you remain the same person in each one, the way you act within relationships will change according to the person you are with.
As hard as it seems, just try not to focus too much on the negative aspects of this situation. Do not dwell on why she acted that way with him or look too deeply at each little thing that she gave him (be it material or emotional) and does not give you. Focus instead on the good in your relationship and build on that. If you have fun together then have MORE fun. If you have a mutual hobby then spend more time on it.
Finally, do not compare yourself to him. If he is as disrespectful and uncaring as you say he is then you are the better person and you do not need your girlfriend (or anyone else) to tell/show you this fact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again,
Thank you all so much for your replies,
they were all fantastic (esp. miss anonymous, 27 May!)
First of all I'll apologize for the lack of coherence in my original post (It was late & stuff... y'know. Haha)
But after a few days to myself and given different perspectives thanks to your wonderful replies it's given me a chance to take a look at the bigger picture and feel a little bit better.
Now the problem has never been about me being a pushover, for I'm not the clingy, saccharin-sweet guy that worships the ground she walks on (I wouldnt say I'm a total a-hole either though!) But I guess what's always bothered me is that while I'd done so much more for her, emotionally & materialistically speaking, than guys like that, should she not WANT to treat me in such a way?
I guess this could be a case of grass is always greener but sometimes I cant help how I feel. It kinda makes me resent her though. And in reply to "It is something SHE did for HIM." what is that really supposed to mean? Meaning she gave her best self for someone who doesn't give a damn and us guys who do care get remaining damaged goods? Plus women like her only serve to perpetuate the cycle of men like him.
(If only I could get away with so much! I'd be a jerk but happier! Lol jks) But *sigh* life hadn't dealt me that card.
I really don't mean to sound harsh (really, I dont) but I guess I am easily disgusted by dishonorable people like those sorts of loser guys. Perhaps she views them a different way? I hope this post doesn't paint me out to be a douche myself (as it always seems to in real life when I try to explain it verbally)
Thanks again guys, I do feel better and I do hope I can continue feeling better about this. I just wish I could pin-point what irks me so much about it all.
Well, I'll start building a bridge eventually. Lol
Keep those posts a-coming! Love 'em.
xox.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): I wish I knew the answer to this myself! I keep on ending up in relationships with cold, heartless, assholes...They are the ones I fall hard for and have a hard time getting over...
Then good nice ones come along and it annoys me...And I run to the bad boys...
I think it may be something stemming from first relationships...They are usually not so great...You get used to this and its all you know, so anything other than that feels uncomfortable and smothery.
(some)Women like to feel like they earn what they get....If a man is throwing themselves at her, he must be desperate and clingy...Blech
I have finally come to my senses now, but alot of women havent figured out how to avoid this curse.
Just act aloof and dont let things bother you, it will only drive her away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Hello,
Your girlfriend's past is exactly that. Her past. It is over and nothing you do -like worry, or get jealous and angry- can change it to a more acceptable version.
It is more than likely that you spend a lot more time thinking about it than she does, so just let it go. It will free up a lot more of your energy to do other, more productive things.
Secondly, you said it yourself 'I hate to measure love by the amount of money spent'. If she spent more money on him and went out of her way to make him feel special it has nothing to do with you. It is something SHE did for HIM. This does not mean that she cares for you any less, it is just an indication of the kind of relationship that they had, which is different to the relationship you have with her.
Also, from the brief information you have provided, it seems like she had learnt from her mistakes from her other relationship. 'she is unforgiving (for lesser crimes I've committed)' translates as she is now less willing to put up with unacceptable behaviour. As for her being a spendthrift, there is the possibility that she has less money now or again, realised that spending ridiculous amounts on someone in order for them to like her is not the way to go about things.
I know you must be feeling hurt and confused at the moment and it easy to just assume that she treats you differently because she cares about you less, but it is unlikely to be true. IF you are as nice a guy as you say you are then continue being that way. YOU should support her, YOU should go out of your way to do things for her, YOU should make her feel special. Put in as much effort and energy into this relationship as you can and you will see a change in her. She will reciprocate.
Best of luck. I hope you post an update as yours is a story that I once identified with and would like to see how it worked out.
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A
female
reader, Loopy14  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 One phrase stands out to me here - 'Treat them mean, keep them keen' , i have witnessed this scenario a million times. Many girls secretly love being treated badly but moan about it openly, as soon as someone decent comes along who treats them like a princess they dont wanna know. Its strange, i dont actually understand it myself as i respond very well to being treated like a princess and i would never dream of giving someone that treats me badly a second thought. The only theory i can therefore come up with is girls like that should just be left to do whatever turns them on, they'll realise in years to come how stupid they were.
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