A
female
age
51-59,
*ada
writes:I met a guy at work 9 years ago. We flirted and had fun but he was married. We worked together and once we kissed in his office and ended up having sex. I have never done anything like this before. I was madly in love with him from this first kiss. He was married and I did not want him to leave his family - he had small kids and he did not want to break the family either. He said he did not love his wife and I was ok with it. We had a mad, passionate and very romantic affair. We talked about art and music and wrote 1000 of emails to one another. I loved him. was obsessed with him. I am 44 now, an accomplished scientist but I behaved like a schoolgirl and so did he. We would spent days in bed, talking, laughing having lots of fantastic sex. Two years on, his wife found out, I think he wanted her to. After several moths she left, he was done dividing the assets, we were supposed to be together. We had the most amazing night, he bought me a Xmas present, he spent lots of time creating a hand made special gift but the following day he showed up very upset and said it was over. He said I did something but would not explain. I suspect my ex - told him something about me. I have tried and tried to talk to K but he would not answer. The few times he did answer it was very short saying I have destroyed his family and hurt him. Years passed by but I have never really got over him, I think of him every day, I miss him. It has been 7 years now. About a year ago he answered one of my messages on social media. We communicated a little, he still sounded very angry. He asked what I would need to get a closure and wrote ' I think you want to sleep with me'. I got a shock, it was the last thing on my mind and so not in line with what I though our relationship was. I did meet him in my flat last August. He was his old self, flirting, cute, charming. He wanted to go to the bedroom, we kissed and cuddled but he did not want to have sex. He left and I was completely confused. He did not write to me for several weeks, I wrote him angry and hurt messages begging for an explanation. We resumed some sort of conversation - he always asks for pictures of me, writes me how sexy and pretty I am, how much he wants me. It goes on and on. Silly, stupid messages. I do it because I hope I do get him to talk, eventually. We met up again 6 month after the first meeting and it was the same. We talk about music and art and end up in bed. This time he wanted sex but I did not. He would kiss me in a very tender way. Again he would leave, no explanation, no more messages. We would resume sending messages - this time he was asking me about my summer holiday planning several month ahead when we could meet. He keeps asking me for sexy pictures. I came to my flat yesterday. His cute, flirty, sweet self. He would ask me about what I was doing, he seems interested. We ended up in bed having sex. He is very loving, he kisses me a lot, it is like he used to be, I have never been with a guy who is so loving and cuddly in bed. He left but came back to kiss me again and said that I was fantastic, that I should never think anything else of myself. And he left, no explanation, no communication. I am so confused. It would be easy just to stop communicating with him - but I cannot. I miss him, I still love him. I feel physical pain when I do not hear from him. I do not know how to get out of this. I do hope that an honest conversation would help but I cannot get him to talk to me. It has to be said that we were not great about such issues even when we dated. He used to tell me that he did not want to bother me with his problems. He wanted us to be in our happy little bubble. I would accept anything, even being his mistress again as I think he has a girlfriend. I am very busy and I like living alone. I just want him in my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): Okay so he said he loved you but that was then and this is now. I emailed the father of my child and put it out there in black and white and that was my closure. He then married and had another child, complete closure.
Like you I thought I could love no one else and met the odd man who made me feel more certain. Until I met the man I am with who I met last year.
Like you I never thought I ever would but you CAN once you get closure and move on. Only you can do that but you are living in the past, whoever you thought he was and what you meant is gone.
Ask him, tell him you need to know and tell him if he wants any less than what you want to leave you alone and not to bother you again because you DO NOT really want to be his side piece again really do you??
A
female
reader, Lada +, writes (20 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMybe he was the one and only on this planet. He might have been a fantacy, maybe he has changed, maybe he never existed. But I have enough now. I know he was the one and I do not want anybody else. I do not believe I can ever possibly feel anything for anyone. How many more losers do I have to listen to and pretend I am interested? That's it for me. I do not need to hear that I have done something terribly because I fell in love with a person. My only sin was that I loved him. More than anything. Does it make me a bad person? I did pay a price.He broke my heart, several times. I can never love anyone else and now even my memories are not real.
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A
female
reader, Lada +, writes (20 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to respond to anonymous. Thank you for your time. Maybe you know my pain. You know how it is like to not be able to get over a person. you say he never said he loved me. He said it million times when we were together. He had said he was terrified I would leave because he was married and could not give me more. He showed me in so many ways. We could not be in the same room with other people - everyone could see we were so in love, I was told so by other people. Whatever his reasons were to begin with, he did love me - at least then. Whatever happened to him now - I do not know. Maybe he changed, maybe the reality was too hard. Maybe he needed me to blame for all the mess. Maybe he has issues on his own. I wish I could talk to him, an honest talk. Because he is the only I have ever loved and will love. You are right, he does not exit - maybe never did maybe does not any more. But the happiness I did feel when I though he was mine....So please tell me what you did tell the father of your daughter to make him have an honest conversation with you. I do not need more judgment. I am now so deeply disappointed in life and relationships that you are right, I do not really want any. I had a boyfriend until recently. He moved into my flat, took over my life, burdened me with all his issues. Yes, he was fully invested in our relationship - to take advantage of me and use. Do men ever do anything else? At least K did give me an illusion he cared, he was interested in my feelings, he did listen. He made me happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): I am going to be honest with you, I think you need to go for counselling and work out why you are fixated the way you are and the rest of your behaviour, because I am sorry you are not in love, you was right you are obsessed with this man.It took me years to get over my daughters dad and like you I thought he was the love of my life, tried to see every interaction as a sign he loved me and would come back. It took asking him outright about nine years after we split if there was any hope, to say I loved him and wanted to be with him. He was honest and stated clearly he had no feelings and wanted me to move on. If that is what it takes for you to get closure then ask him, tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. If he has any shred of decency about him he will be honest with you and end this silliness once and for all. But you know he has kind of told you, you just won't accept it so he resorts to 'Okay so you want to have sex' he has told you really, you just won't accept it.I am about your age and I just don't get it, why date men who have children if you don't want kids or stepchildren? Why are you still going for men who are off limits, did you seriously not ever learn? I was seeing a man when I was about 22 with three children, it took seeing them and his wife to realise what a selfish cow I was being and I vowed never again to go near a married man and I stuck to it. I vowed also to not date men who have children because like you it was not what I wanted and that is yours and mines prerogative. But you don't learn, why with no children and a career can you not get out there and date men who tick your boxes instead of the ones you must know are wrong? You need to take a long hard look at yourself, I am seriously doubting you even want to find true love, with all the people on this planet you are pining for a man who was never really yours, never said he loved you, responded only to your message and turned it around to sex, why can you not see that? I really don't get it.....
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (20 July 2018):
 Are you for real?
You seem to have absolutely no common sense whatsoever. You’re considering marrying someone who’s controlling to try and get over someone else? That could possibly be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Borderline crazy in fact. How would that solve anything? Marrying someone that you don’t love and being constantly watched Just to make sure you don’t message another guy?
Why do you need to hear another word out of his mouth? He talks absolute crap all the time and would probably end up spinning you another yarn and you’d be hooked again. Words don’t mean a thing, people’s actions are what count and he’s shown you time and time again that he doesn’t care about you and wants you for the contents of your underwear, yet you still can’t see it.
You can’t get better? Of course you can. It just seems like you don’t want to. YOU are the one that keeps letting him back in, YOU are the one that believes all his bullshit, YOU are the one that has the power to move past all of this, but you DONT want to. You keep clinging to the hope that one day he will turn around and want to be with you. Nobody on this site can help you out if you don’t want to be helped. You will be in this slump for as long as you allow it. I think the majority of people on this planet will have been through a time in their life when another person fucks up their entire world when they give them too much of their heart and most of those people will be able to work through it, it’s the naive, day dreamers that get stuck in the cycle and keep getting strung along.
You thought about his family and kids? Yeah right. Didn’t stop you fucking him countless times did it? Get into your head that this guy is not the one for you, it’s so simple but you just don’t want to believe it. It really is as simple as blocking all of his contact and concentrating on your own life but you enjoy the drama. Definitely don’t marry this second guy either, that would make things 100x worse. Use your brain for something other than your job and you might make some progress.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): The anon reader is on point. You're still trying to convince yourself there was meaning in that sordid affair; when all he was doing was sweetening the pot to make sure you remained his willing and cooperative mistress. I must reiterate, it was all about sex! If not for you, it was for him.
Men take on mistresses and keep their wives; because it's for sex! You can't legitimize it with how wonderful he treated you. He had to, or you wouldn't give him sex! So thanks for clearing it up by letting us know that you didn't really care about his wife or family after all.
You've convinced yourself it was about love. Perhaps for you, not for him. Like N91 powerfully put it; " If he planned for you to be together, why aren't you?" He blamed YOU for ruining his marriage!!! Say what??? He's the one who made vows, and it was up to him to keep them!
Please, don't try to justify the man or your affair by claiming his wife must have cheated first. If she married soon afterwards, perhaps divine providence was on her side. Two wrongs don't make a right. So love found her sooner than later. Sometimes a mother places the needs of her children before her own; and she will provide them with a father, safe home-environment, and security. In spite of what she wants for herself. Few men are willing to take a ready-made family and make them his own. Bless her, if she did marry soon after! Her husband was too busy with another woman!
You are ravished by your fantasy; but time will heal you, and bring you to your senses. Perhaps the pain and torture from obsession is also necessary to find your redemption; because you were complicit in breaking-up a family, but not entirely to blame. He's to blame for that.
You need to taste a little suffering through your unrequited desire; in restitution for the suffering you caused someone who did nothing to you. His wife. After all this time, all you've invested; and he's still not yours! For all you've given, all he gives you in return is blame. He's now in the arms of yet another woman.
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A
female
reader, Lada +, writes (19 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I wish it was that simple. He is in a relationship and he thinks that I am as well. I will never know what really happened - everything is better that not knowing and I will never get him to talk to me again and I will never really recover. I am so tired of all this. I am actually thinking about marrying my boyfriend. We broke up some time ago, he is very jealous and controlling, I guess he knows my heart belongs to K. But he controls me so much I would not be able to contact or see K. My boyfriend would read my e-mails, check my phone, everything. So I would have to stop - which most of the people here advice me to do. I cannot really get better. K was the love of my life. If he is the low-life cheat he seems to be, I do not trust anyone, ever. Loving a person is just too complicated. I had enough. I have tried for so long, I am tired. I want to escape to my music and my work. I have tried and tried - nothing works. I just want to be prevented from acting like an idiot and I want to stop missing him. So please, if there is any way you guys think I can get K to talk to me - either to brutally show his true colors or tell me that he cannot trust me, too much had happened. Anything. To end like this is just too painful. What ever I did id wrong, I do not deserve this. To my defense, I did think about his wife, and I felt terribly sorry for his children. I was prepared to let him go to be with his family. But I was not prepared to see him change into a heartless strange person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): You are holding onto the past. You surely must know what he is referring to if he felt you had done something for him to doubt your love, only YOU know what that was. But I am sorry all I read is it being about you. You didn't want him to leave his wife because you wanted the fun side only. You didn't want to be a step mother so it suited you what you had.What difference does it matter now? Whatever you are clinging onto, which seems to be that in some way you wronged him and that is why he never came back what difference does it make, because the truth is if he had really wanted to be with you he would have left his wife the right way, he would have been sure of you and even IF he felt you had broken his trust (truly laughable) he would have forgiven you. Because men know what and who they want, it simply would not have taken him years. So he didn't walk in your house and drag you off to bed, he didn't need to, you are putty in his hands and he knows it, but the texts he sends you are sexual only, no 'I miss you', 'I love you', 'I really want to make a go of it this time' NOTHING just the usual games. I am sorry but you don't need to go and see a psychiatrist to be told, he does not love you, not once have you stated he has ever even said that. I spent over ten years hoping my daughters dad would come back to me, I clung onto every letter and word in the hope I would see he missed me and wanted to be with me, he didn't and people no doubt felt sorry for me in the end that I could not see it for what it was, the past. You know he has a girlfriend, you are setting yourself up to become his side shag again, he might rock up every now and then, probably to boost his own sex life with his girlfriend. But you know what, the minute he remarries you will be dropped like a ton of bricks, he won't make that mistake again, he will vow to be faithful as and when he takes that step again. I highly doubt you will be his wife, I don't think even deep down you even want that, you just want what you can't have. Yes you can damn well live without him, you have done for years. STOP wasting your time on this cheat, cut him off and find the courage to move on. Best thing I ever did was move on, to be happy in myself and for my true love to walk into my life, you WILL NEVER move on if you don't let this go once and for all.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 July 2018):
If he planned for you to be together then why aren’t you? You’re both single. Get your head out the clouds. STOP trying to justify his behaviour, he uses you for sex and nothing more. If he wanted something serious he’s had years to make it known, he hasn’t because he doesn’t care!
Stop trying to believe there’s something there when there isn’t.
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A
female
reader, Lada +, writes (19 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous female - that you for taking your time and helping me. I did not mean not to thank you - I am grateful for all the answers I get. I do not expect positive or 'nice' answers, it is more helpful when people say what they mean, I do need help, I know.However, K did tell me millions of times he loved me. He said I was the one who shared his interest, the one he truly chose, he said when he married, he was a young student, it just happened. But I will probably never know. He did not come back just once- I have seen him 3 times this year and he writes me messages almost daily. Sometimes he would get bitter and accuse me of having other guys while I was with him. I think he is still angry with me because of something he things I have done. He blames me for destroying his family and when he did so, I was not the one he thought I was. But I agree, it does not matter. Why cannot we just talk about it instead of all this guessing? I am ready to let him go and never see him again, I just wish I knew how to make him tell me what really happened.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): I am the anon who questioned your issues. Not that you care for anyone else's post just thanked Wise Owl because he gave you a crumb of hope that you meant something so you cling to that. I have read your post again and all it says to me was it was about sex, sex and then some more sex. Sorry but you are living in cloud cuckoo land. Not once do you say he EVER said he loved you, he didn't love his wife and you loved him. He did not come to you after his wife and attempt to start a new life with you and this is despite his wife leaving a few months after she found out, he only came to you when SHE LEFT, not by his own choice. He was devastated because his WIFE left, he left you without a second glance. Fast forward a few years, new girlfriend, social media contact and the excitement of being a two timing rotten twerp is on the cards for him. Of course he will know you like cuddling and kissing but I bet any money he does that with whoever he has been lying next to in all the years he hasn't been with you. He was in your very distant past for a reason but you are quite literally in some bubble of denial about him. I had an ex who was all sweet and nice and did things which made me think he thought something of me. He got an ex girlfriend pregnant and married her, then came to my leaving do (going to another country) and we ended up going to my house, I then realized what I was to him and luckily nothing happened and I told him to leave, I gained control over being used for SEX and again this is what you need to do.You might be intelligent but you are lacking common sense (you said you wanted the truth). I met the love of my life last year and I am 45 this year, it is not too late to forget about this man and to move on, STOP wasting your time for goodness sake, his letters etc mean nothing, if they did he would want to be with you for you and not as a side or when he is bored, nearly TEN years it all happened and he has come back once this year for a shag, come on wizen up!!!
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A
female
reader, Lada +, writes (19 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your long and thoughtful answer. I am trying to get my head around,as yes, a part of me still loves him, but a much bigger part of me wants to understand. I talked to a psychiatrist right after the break up, several actually and they could not give me answers -one was also a personal friend. She said that part of K behaviour would fit to what you guys have written, a player using people but he also did wonderful things that showed at least some level of emotional involvement. I have never wanted him to leave his wife. I made a decision never to have children and I could not cope with the idea of being a step-mum. I am also very busy, in the beginning I wanted to feel loved, we had great fun, no one was supposed to know. It was me who always told him to be more careful. After a year I was so in love with him I was constantly afraid he would break it off but I still never told him to get a divorce. When it was finally over and his wife moved out - btw she remarried very quickly so to this day I actually wonder maybe she was the one who cheated first. Anyway, K made so many arrangements for us to be together afterwards, invited me to his house, planned a holiday. I really do think he planned for us to be together. Also after the break he came to me one night (New Years Eve), looked very troubled, cried and said that I have destroyed what we had, accused me of not really loving him. He even sent me a picture from our holiday -a snap of us looking at each other very lovingly - and wrote did you mean it, was it all real? So maybe guys you are right, maybe ther is more to it. K is difficult to talk to, he has always been like that. He used to say I do not want to burden you with my problems. I wish he could tell me he misses his family, he blames me for the divorce. He is sorry that it went so far so I would know you guys are right. It would hurt still but I would know. The first time he came to my house after all these years, he did not want to have sex, just wanted to hold me. Is there no possibility that he cannot talk about feelings, he completely 'lost' it with the divorce, he cannot admit he was wrong. So he pretends what we had never existed - hen I asked him about music, things he used to like, he would say the opposite what he used to, as if he want to deny everything. As if nothing ever happened, it is all about sex now. Yes, I am very weak for him and he know it - so why plan seeing me many month in advance? He could easily come here and have sex so why not? Why using so much time on silly messages? I really need to have a sit down with him and ask him - do you guys think he would ever give a an answer? I really can live without him now, I have for 6 years but the deep disappointment is very hard. It was hard when he left but at least I had the memories, now I am even more cynical than ever. I think people only use people. My previous boyfriend needed help with his stuff, his children, he constantly forced me to do stuff he wanted to do not me. He made it very official, he wanted a stable relationship. Cannot say I felt happy, loved, just trapped and used. My best friend married her married lover and they are very happy now. It can happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): Cheating-husbands usually buy their mistresses gifts. A man of means will splurge huge sums of cash, send her on shopping-sprees; and share things they don't normally share with their wives. You share his secrets, and provide him with sex. You have to reward the woman who can easily take you down with one call; if she's scorned, or suddenly feels she's being played. There has to be hush-money! Gratuities, perks, and benefits in the deal!
You also have to keep your mistress happy and content; while playing husband and forbidden-lover between two women. He was playing-out his own fantasy as well. Catering to his ego and paying tribute to his sexual-prowess. He felt like a stud.
The supporting-evidence to my theory is that the affair was not as emotional for him, as it was for you. That is predicated on the fact that he didn't leave his wife for you. Not even after he was divorced, and free to come for you. He could have just picked-up where you both left-off.
That didn't happen. You tracked him down. He was less than thrilled or enthusiastic.
You shared his interests and hobbies. Part of having a mistress, is molding and shaping her into the fantasy-lover you want her to be. You were willing to do and be whatever pleased him. You are putty in his hands. The long talks and all that was being your fantasy-lover. Giving you exactly what you wanted. Sex was his goal, and his reward.
No mistress wants to believe she was not loved by the man she went against all her values, beliefs, and principles for. All the time and emotions she invested. You were the ultimate in "friends with benefits." That's what a mistress really is. Otherwise, he is a married-man. It's easier to swallow by trying to add some legitimacy to it; but it is what it is.
My point is not to condemn you, or place you under scathing judgement; but I will call it out for what it really is. I'm trying to bring you back to reality. You're still romanticizing.
If a cheating-man truly falls in-love; he leaves his wife, and marries his mistress. He can't live without her. That rarely happens.
Sorry my dear. I have to be direct, and call him out for what and who he really is. No sugarcoating here, my dear!
Cheating-husbands are charmers and players. Adept and masterful at seducing women.
Cheating-husbands who maintain long-term or multiple mistresses, have few redeeming qualities. They can be very charming wolves in sheep's clothing.
They have to pull the wool over your eyes; for you to be complicit in an extramarital-affair. To blind you from the fact you are hurting his wife. He has to make you immune to your guilt. He wants to be trusted and admired by his cheating-partner. He can't run the risk of having you suddenly awakening from your fantasy; and realizing what's going on is wrong. Nor should you suddenly have an attack of conscience, and realize this guy has a wife and family!!! What's he doing here with me? So he'll lavished you with everything from classical music to love letters. He created for you a fairy-tale romance. He's a dreamboat!
The reality is. Once done with you and his ex-wife; he chose to be with someone else, and not you. The typical predictable sad-ending to affairs with married-men.
I'm giving it to you straight for your own good. Snap out of it, my dear!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): Sweetheart, please move on. He was pretending to be the man he was in order to get sex from you. There were no feelings or emotions or romance on his part. Sorry. He was just doing what he had to do to get you into bed. He is a player. It's clear as day. You will be just another girl who fell for him after he used her for sex. Only sex. That's all it ever was.
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female
reader, Lada +, writes (18 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank again to WiseOwl, you got me thinking. You do have a point, there was an incredible physical attraction but I also felt very, very emotionally attached to him. He was the first person I have shared so many of my thought with, we used to talk for hours and hours. I had lived-in boyfriend before and after, I never felt so connected to them. Never felt they really saw me the way I though he did. What I missed the most after the break-up was being able to share my thoughts and experiences with a person. When I saw something interesting on my travels I would tell him about it. Am I just deluded? Was it all just my fantasy? I do appreciate honesty so please be hard with me. Just before he left he made me a present - an ice-sculpture that took hours and hours to make. He also bought me a pair of skis - for our first skiing holidays as he knew I loved skiing. Do you still think there was nothing real in what I thought we had?
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female
reader, Lada +, writes (18 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to thank you all for taking your time and giving me so many thoughtful advises. Especially WiseOwle - you probably have a point. I have been disappointed, lonely and a bit bored when I met K. But it was not all about sex. We used to write each other long letters every day about our feelings. He used to send me bit of music he liked I could listen to when I was lonely. He told me a lot about his childhood, interests, I told him about my dreams and thoughts. He thought me so much about classical music. I miss the sex, of course, but I also miss our conversations, we shared so many interests. What I meant about him having mental issues - I have asked him for a talk,an honest talk about what really happened. After so many years - all he suggested was sex. Even though our relationship - if I might call it one - was very sexual - there was a lot of emotions there too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2018): All I get out of this romance novel is sexual-addiction. There is nothing but sexual-communication. Everything ends with sex. Sex is the subject, and sex is the predicate.
He cheated on his wife and family. Why? For sex. Every encounter between you was about sex. You found your equivalent-partner in a sex-fantasy; but it's meaningless.
To further complicate the situation, you've developed an obsession for the guy; but for the most part, all you mean to him is a great sex-partner. He ended-up losing his family, and you're drowning in obsession.
I think some counseling and therapy will help you find release from this addiction and obsession; and you'll move-on with your life. There is nothing healthy about it. He realizes it; and when he's with you, he can't/doesn't feel anything for you. He asks for sexy pictures for the purpose of masturbation; but he wants out of this obsessive-entanglement. Healthy-romance is not even remotely connected to this sad scenario. He is cognizant of how unhealthy it is, and he also realizes how much he has lost in exchange for nothing particularly substantial. He got his just reward for cheating. He lost everything. A new girlfriend will only discover what he is in due time. He doesn't have the capacity to be faithful.
You're caught-up in obsession and a fantasy-world; and just need to get your head right. You have to learn to connect with men on a more emotional-level; and be more in-touch with true-feelings beyond the physical. He comes back for more; but he doesn't have any real emotional-connection to you. For the most part, he feels a lot of regret and guilt; but his character is so weak and shady, he just falls back into sexual-addiction.
Try and get some help. You're an accomplished and intelligent woman. This darkness within you is driving you nowhere; when you could be enjoying a full-fledged romantic-relationship. You enjoyed what you had with him; because he was the forbidden-fruit. The affair offered you drama and intrigue. You're bored and unfulfilled. He made no demands, nor offered any sincerity. He was just a sex-partner; but it satisfied your need for a fantasy-romance. Your own living soap opera.
You need to experience the real-deal. I would imagine you've had one or two previously failed-relationships; or suffered a lot of anguish and trauma with men. You're craving love like nobody's business. Maybe men in your past betrayed your trust, disappointed you, they were probably intimidated by your intellect; and none of them fulfilled the role as your fantasy-man. The lover-supreme!
You found stimulation in having an affair with a married-men. Gratuitous-sex, and the "pretense" of romance is all that it was. He didn't leave his wife for you; she divorced him for being a cheating rat!
Let go of your obsessive-addiction to this man. Return to reality; and challenge yourself with a true one-on-one relationship. One that offers you a full-spectrum of human interaction, meaning, and an emotional-connection. You gave-up on reality; because it demanded too much from you, and it didn't fulfill your dreams. Cheap affairs don't demand anything but shady-character. Having no regard for the value of trust. Disrespecting or crossing boundaries. Cheating and sordid-affairs are centered around one thing. Sex!
You've got to escalate and inflate your value as a woman, girlfriend! You've sunk to an all-time low. This is so beneath you! It's bottom-dwelling. Who pushed you over the edge? No, it wasn't the cheating. The affair is where you landed; and it pulled you down even lower.
The only way from here has to be back up! Reclaim your dignity. You're worth more than what your body can offer. Your only means of validation isn't between your legs. A man can actually care for you; and value you as a person, and a woman. Don't give-up on yourself, or mankind.
I truly wish you the best, my dear. Sorry if I'm way off the mark.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2018): Poster I find your response very bizarre if I am honest. You proclaim to love this man and have indeed held a torch for years but your response to us is that he has mental health issues??I have to wonder have you not looked at your own actions and would it not be questionable that you have issues because you cannot see this man and your involvement in him for what it is?Of course he would be devastated his marriage broke up, he had two children and was married!!! Advice has been given to you crystal clear, you either cut this man loose and accept it for what it is, a game for him and the chase for you or you carry on and get to the end of your life and regret the wasted years, that's the options for you on a plate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2018): You have wasted nearly ten years on this man, you want what you can't have. You honestly think he is some catch and more to the point do you really think he has real deep feelings for you? If he did he would be with you there is just no valid reason why he wouldn't be.You are hooked on the chase and the interest he shows you WHEN he is bored in a relationship and wants extra excitement, basically a fuck with a woman he knows is smitten with him.It's up to you, you carry on this way or you have the self respect to walk away, I have been in your shoes and it's far easier to move on if YOU take control and cut this man off, he doesn't want to be with you, I'm sorry that's harsh but it's the truth. Your love and loyalty would be appreciated by a man who reciprocated how you feel. Let go and move on.
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reader, N91 +, writes (17 July 2018):
You need to get a grip.
The guy is a lowlife cheat. You are WASTING YOUR LIFE pining over someone who doesn’t give a fuck about you. You are someone to get into bed. Who cares if he’s sensitive when he’s with you? It’s not hard to act that way with someone you’re trying to get into bed, it doesn’t mean anything.
You were excitement away from his boring marriage. When he got his divorce you could of been together, nothing was stopping you, then he made a bullshit reason for you not to be. Nothing happened, he just doesn’t want you. The excitement ended and he didn’t need you anymore so he discarded you like the side piece that you were.
The same thing happens every time. Why are you not learning from it? Why would you settle for being a mistress? Do you really value yourself that little that you would die alone being used for a fuck outside someone’s relationship? Where’s your self respect? He won’t be worrying about that when he’s already in a relationship and has something solid in place whilst you’re left in suspense of the next time you’re going to hear from him so he can get you into bed.
You are a scientist which means you’re an extremely intelligent woman so it’s very sad to see that you’re so naive when it comes to love. You’re being played in the simplest form and you’re accepting it. You’ve wasted 7 years of your life on this, how many more?
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reader, Trinibabygirl88  +, writes (17 July 2018):
"I would accept anything, even being his mistress again as I think he has a girlfriend." Nope! Please know your worth. Some women believe in the institution of marriage whilst other don't and just prefer a companion. You are 44 years old. I know some women would just settle for any man as a "now and then" companion because they feel like time is running out on them to have this BF or husband. But at the end of the day, you are allowing this man to use you. Your feelings are getting all tangled up in this sexual relationship. Do you know that there are sexual addicts out here? Or that some men just use women, just for sex? All I am hearing in this, is me me me...have you ever considered how his wife felt? As a wife myself and firstly a mother, have you ever considered how his children felt? You should know your worth. That man used you, if he didn't care enough for his wife or at least cared enough for his children, do you really think he cares about you. Like yourself, he is thinking really selfish. Especially if he is still with his wife or his new girlfriend or whoever he is with.Why value that man above yourself. Love yourself. Know your worth. There are men who may love to be with you, it might not be easy at first (given what was done to another woman and what goes around comes around) but that man is not worth it. If you came here for advise on how to get him back, I highly doubt you may get that. All the advise here would be to forget that man.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 July 2018):
 It is clear that your love for him is one sided. If he loved you he would have showed it all those years ago, but when it came down to it he ended things. The buzz was probably over for him. It is clear he never saw you as relationship material, you where just an escape for him for a while outside of his marriage. Are you completely sure he is not still with his wife? Even if he did turn to you could you actually trust him when you are not with him? Karma is cruel and maybe now you are feeling a bit of what his wife felt all those years ago when you choose to have sex with her husband and break up his children's parents. He is no good for you, you need to stop all contact or you will never move on. Respect yourself more to want something more than being someones bit on the side.
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reader, Lada +, writes (17 July 2018):
Lada is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking your time and answering me. However, the guy did get divorced. And he came back to my flat 10 days after the break up and looked a complete mess, he must have been sorry. So I suppose it is not that simple. He did spent much time planning presents for me, writing cards - he did sent me the torn pieces. But for the rest - he must (at best) have mental issues.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 July 2018):
 It's sad that someone who is as intelligent as you obviously are has such low self esteem that she thinks she is worth nothing better than to be a man's "bit on the side". You may have an intellectual connection, even a spiritual one, but he is not GOOD for you. We can have deep feelings for people who are in no way good for us. We need to recognize that, while we miss these people - and even, possibly, love them - they will never fit into our lives in such a way that we will be happy.
You know the qualities you seek in a man because you have found most of them in THIS man. Go out and find someone who embodies all these qualities while, at the same time, being emotionally AVAILABLE to you. You could spend the rest of your life yearning pointlessly for this man who will probably never offer you more than he does right now.
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reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (17 July 2018):
A woman of your age should no better. His way of ending the affiar 7 years ago by saying it was because you did something then doesn't tell you what that thing was, was a game. You did nothing and he used it as a cruel way to end the affair. This way, you'd hold on to the great times you had. To me, the signs shows that he never ended his marriage and all that he said was a lie.Is your self esteem and the need to feel wanted clouded your judgement. You are letting this snake crawl into your life, use you then he goes on is merry way and gets best of both worlds.You say you will not accept being his mistress. That is exactley what you are. He is a serial cheat and this behaviour will not stop.Please, for the sake of your mental health, dump this loser and move on. You deserve better.
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