A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Since as long as I can think back I have cheated on every guy I dated. I had been with my soul mate now for 9 years. For 2 years I did resist cheating except for the first 6 months. We was about to set a date to marry when he found out I was sex texting guys (but only for a joke). He walked out but I promised to stop. All he said was that he does not have enough trust in me to get married now. I messed up and started cheating again, and my so called best friend decided to tell him. He kept questioning over and over again. Out of the blue he suddenly walked out and made no contact. I think he could have at least tried to work it out. Also he is no fun anymore, so he should take part of the responsibility. I miss him so much as a best friend and my lover. Is it right to think he got some one and is making excuses? I would like to work on myself. He is too pig headed.
View related questions:
best friend, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (7 October 2011):
But OP if he doesn't make you excited why do you want him to give you another chance? You can't just settle for someone whom you know doesn't really excite you, but deal with it because you know you can have someone else on the side to keep your interests piqued. You need to find someone who you are happy to be with without you feeling the need to cheat. Otherwise the relationship doomed to failure.
You are convinced that your bf is partly to blame for your behaviour. I personally find that hard to swallow, but that is neither here nor there. The bottom line is, if he is "causing" you to cheat, then get out of that situation. There is nothing to be gained from that sort of relationship.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (7 October 2011):
Your title is: "Why did my last guy refuse to give me another chance? I know I cheated. What should I do?"
Simply put, he refuses to give you another chance because he doesn't trust you, and he doesn't believe that if he gives you another chance you won't cheat on him again. He thinks you will, and from the way you describe your behaviour, he is probably right. You have always cheated, so even though you love him, you are likely to cheat on him in the future unless you decide to change and become something different. He doesn't think you will change and hasn't seen any evidence of that so he isn't giving you another chance. He wants something different, which is someone who loves him like you do, but that won't cheat on him.
"I think he could have at least tried to work it out."
He is obviously very hurt, and is not under any obligation to try and work it out. Some people do choose to work it out, and sometimes that choice depends on how the person who cheated reacts. Did you at any time tell him that you understand how upset he is, that you agree never to cheat again, and that you have taken certain steps to make the changes you need so that you are able to break your pattern of cheating? These are some of the things you will have needed to do in order for you to try to work it out, and in order for him to consider trying to work it out from his side.
"Also he is no fun anymore, so he should take part of the responsibility."
It is true that he should take part of the responsibility for making sure the relationship is going well, and that you are both happy. However, he cannot take responsibility for the fact that you chose to cheat. He can't control your behaviour. Also, your responsibility to him in the relationship is to tell him if you are dissatisfied in the relationship, for example because he isn't fun any more, and to work with him to find a solution. It is both of your responsibilities to communicate with each other, and to work with one another to work through your problems. Relationships need to have fun as part of them, it is important, but it is not only what relationships are about. The idea that he wasn't fun any more which made you cheat and its his fault is not a true reflection of how relationships work, and the reality that you have to take responsibility for your choices and your actions, and how you react to things in relationships.
"Is it right to think he got some one and is making excuses?"
It is unlikely that he has someone and is making excuses. He probably just knows he doesn't trust you and doesn't want to be with you any more, it probably doesn't have anything to do with someone else.
"I would like to work on myself."
That is a good idea. It is a good idea for anyone to want to work on themseleves to make themselves and their relationships better. In your case, you have an obvious behaviour pattern which is bad for maintaining relationships, so you would want to work on it.
"He is too pig headed."
That may be true, but if he is it is his issue to work on. You can tell him your opinion, but it doesn't change what you have to work on to make your relationships successful.
...............................
A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (7 October 2011):
 This is not his responsibility. Perhaps you no longer find him fun because you lack patience in relationships, which would explain why you can't settle down and cheat on all of your boyfriends.He was ready to marry you, but you started sexting and then slept around behind his back. If I were him, I would not want to work it out either.Give it up with this guy, he won't be back and he will never marry you because of what you have done. It's time for you to move on.If you want to ever settle down with someone, then you're going to have to work out your problems and stop cheating. Until that happens, no man will ever trust you enough to settle down with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): I would like to be able to link this question to one titled 'Why did my girlfriend expect me to give her another chance after she cheated on me?!'Seriously- what did you expect?-Why didn't your ex-boyfriend deserve to know the truth?-Why would you expect him to want to marry you after you cheated on him?-why would you cheat on someone you say that love? (Are you sure that you ever really did love him?)-Why on earth would you blame your cheating on him on your ex-boyfriend?! -and then end your question concerning how you want him back with so rude a comment that you think that he is big headed?!Please give all of this some thought- don't hurt your next boyfriend the way you have hurt your ex. Perhaps spending some time being single for a while would develop self-control and restraint?
...............................
A
male
reader, Advice_man  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 It seems that you find difficult to comprehend that some men, not a lot but a few, have morals, ethics and stick to their values and beliefs no matter what. You were lucky enough to have one but you didn’t appreciate him. What you did was totally unacceptable. It shows no respect at all to your man. On the other hand your man’s reaction shows a man with dignity and self respect, a solid character that lets no woman to diminish him like you did. I really don’t understand why you wonder he didn’t give you another chance. “He should take part of the responsibility”? I don’t think any rational person reading this post will agree. I hope you got your lesson. Hopefully, if in your lifetime you meet another man like him you have the maturity to appreciate him more. Best wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2011):
 What part of this is his responsibility?
YOU cheat on him.
You sext with other guys (don't give me that BS that it's a joke... there is a fine line you DO NOT cross and that's one of them says this very natural flirt who still would NEVER sext with anyone but her man)
As the former partner of a sexter, emotional cheater, liar I can tell you that he will probably NEVER trust you.
Not sure why you think a man walking out on a cheating woman is a man leaving "out of the blue". It sounds to me as if he's VERY justified.
"I messed up and started cheating AGAIN" (empahsis mine)
ok so you cheated on a this man more than ONCE. He obviously forgave you at least once.
Ever heard "fool me once shame on YOU, fool me twice shame on ME?"
I doubt he has someone. He's probably feeling so burned he's scared to try again. I think he just does not want to be with a lying cheating partner.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): Thanks but not 1 of you answered my question. Maybe there is some jealousy because I have lived. What is not known will not hurt any one. If he spent time making me excited then maybe it would have been different so he is to blame.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): "Since as long as I can think back I have cheated on every guy I dated."Why?"I was sex texting guys (but only for a joke)."No, this is not some joke, you were cheating but in a different way, and it would lead to physical cheating."I messed up and started cheating again, and my so called best friend decided to tell him."Your friend did the right thing."I think he could have at least tried to work it out."He can't work it out, you have to do that, you are the one who needs to work on this."Also he is no fun anymore, so he should take part of the responsibility."Don't blame the victim."Is it right to think he got some one and is making excuses? I would like to work on myself. He is too pig headed."No, it is right to accept that you have a problem with cheating, and you need to accept that, and get professional help to figure out why you cheat and how you stop.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 October 2011):
I'm sorry, but this is all about you. You don't seem to have accepted any responsibility for what you have done at all. You've consistently cheated on everyone that you've dated, including your so called soul mate. You then stopped. Then you started again. Then your best friend shopped you, and you actually have the nerve to say 'my so called best friend'. And now, after all that you've put him through, you actually BLAME HIM! "He's no fun anymore" "He could have at least tried to work it out"
No, no, no. That is some absolutely shocking reasoning, and it desperately shows you up as someone who won't accept responsibility for your actions, doesn't care in the slightest that you have hurt not just him but others in the past, and shows you as someone who shouldn't be in any relationship.
You even say he's pig headed! no he;s not. He's just not stupid enough to waste another second of his time on you - someone who has cheated, doesn't care, and is blaming him.
There is nothing in your post that suggests why he should give you a third chance. You've had your chances with him, and you've single handedly blown them apart.
I'm afraid to say the time has come for you to really look at who you are. You're in your mid to late twenties, and you have destroyed every relationship you've had because of cheating. That's all you've done. And it is now you who has to pay the price and accept entire responsibility for your actions.
You're a cheat. Now you need to step up and change that before you wind up with such a bad reputation that no one ever wants to have anything to do with you again. You've blown it all out of the water so far. You couldn't even stay committed to your soul mate, and you've blamed him for you cheating.
Seriously, get some help.
...............................
A
female
reader, LittleMissWakeUpCall +, writes (6 October 2011):
 Take some responsibility for what you done and stop trying to turn it all around on him.
I agree with fi_the_tree how can you sex text someone as a joke?
If he is your so called soul mate then why are you continueing to ruin things even more by sleeping around with other guys? If you cared about him that much then you would wake up and realize how much you have hurt him and just sort yourself out.
Stop being so careless and grow up and get abit of class, because i can tell you now you ask for people to give you another chance yet if your going to continue acting like a slag then your going to be treated like one.
...............................
A
female
reader, terilmicks  +, writes (6 October 2011):
If i was the guy honestly, I would walk out and never look back. It is clear that you have a problem when it comes to being with just one person. remember trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if its broken BUT you can ALWAYS see the cracks in the reflection. If he gave you a second chance and you still cheated what makes you so sure you wont cheat on him again?
Old habits die hard. You have been cheating and dont blame him for leaving, any sane person would. Just take it all in and try make a change for once. He may not be there to see the changed you but someone will love that you decided to change. ALl the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (6 October 2011):
 How can you 'sex text' a guy as a joke??? Doesn't make sense to me...
You admit, you're a cheater, always have been, you have even cheated on the guy you describe as your 'soul mate'.
Your question asks "What should I do?" First things first, GROW UP! Have you got any idea of the risks involved when it comes to cheating??? All sorts of infections and diseases are passed not just by intercourse, but through skin contact and by mouth. Consider this risk, you could have anything!!! Some of these infections/diseases have no symptoms so you don't even know you have them!
I urge you to get checked out if you haven't already done so, find your local GUM clinic, they can test you for free.
Secondly, CHANGE YOUR WAYS!! You don't need to be sleeping with someone to make yourself feel good! You destroyed a 9 year relationship because you are so unhappy with yourself. I think you need to address the issue behind what made you cheat. Were you cheated on yourself and you wanted revenge? Did you want to be 'the bad girl' who all the boys wanted to try and tame? Did something like this happen within the family (not trying to suggest that your parents aren't good parents or anything - just that it could be a contributing factor)
Either way, as the other poster said, this behaviour needs to stop, you're far too old to be acting so stupidly. Leave your soul mate alone now, you need to work on yourself and your own confidence.
Good luck! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 October 2011):
 Why should he take part of the responsibility for your sex texting other men?
You ask if he has somebody else as if that is the only reason you can think of for him to leave. Have you never considered issues of fidelity, honesty, faithfulness, monogamy or, as he himself has said, TRUST.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): If I were in his shoes I would've done the same exactly. Try to act better in your next relationship. This one is over, and it is only you to blame.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): Let this guy go. You have destroyed his trust. I can't believe you are turning this round to try and make it sound like his fault. You behaved inappropriately. Suck it up. And grow up. That sort of behaviour is what teenagers do. You will end up a very lonely person who flits from relationship to relationship that never lasts if you keep up this behaviour. If it was a man behaving like that and cheating, what advice do you think you'd get?You RESISTED cheating? Dear God.
...............................
|
