A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We are a lesbian couple and I went to my coworkers house to get assistance granted it was late after they got off work but we needed to work on the assignment that night to turn in the following day. I told my girlfriend where and why I was going with my two female coworkers. She was on the phone the entire time, sending text messages if either one of the ladies were a lesbian. After an hour my gf told me I need to go home. My gf then began blowing my phone up all the while on the phone with me with text messages. I stayed 2 hours and some change but I couldn't focus bc my gf was on the phone threatening to hung up saying that I had had sex with them. It really humiliated and embarrassed me being 30 and rushing from working on an assignment that was due in at work the next day. It hurt so much that I did leave n cried when I got home. I don't lie, cheat or hide things from my gf but it's like the more transparent I am the more accusations she has. She trusts me so little. Someone sent me flowers and every week or time we disagree she brings it up swearing I'm lying and knows who sent them. I am really feeling like I have done all I can do. And really heartbroken that she hung up on me when I did leave to go home. It really breaks me down bc she's supposed to be there for me but she was upset about everything. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong the more I try at saving us the more we fall. I'm almost tried of going through this endless cycles. We were supposed to move in marry the whole 9 yards why is all this is happening? And why does things like this happen more often the closer we get to the date it's supposed to happened? What is going on?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 April 2015):
 You can't fix this. You can't control her.
Next time, turn off the phone and when she blows up with HER insanity you look at her and say "you MAY be right, let me think about it and get back to you when we can discuss it calmly" then walk away and don't talk to her till she is calm.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe thinks I'm not bright enough to realize when a person is hitting on me. She thinks I'm naive or least I was in my pass but I gave people the benefits of the doubt until I realized they were jerks. Had I turned my phone off she would have accused me of having a relationship with one of the girls it would have looked suspicious in her eyes so I know how she is I kept her on the phone.she probably would have made me cry and be mean towards me until she feels like treating me better. I'm not sure where to begin. We have been together five years now. She is who she is. I just try to make her happy if I can. But it's becoming a grueling task the more I try and the harder life becomes. I thought we could grow together. Why is it seeming like she is pulling away. I puzzle my mind wondering what am I not doing n why do I keep failing. It makes me so sad. I know I'm no saint but I do a lot to being her happiness. Yet I'm failing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2015):
 You write:
"She doesn't feel comfortable with me over other people homes especially since I rarely do any mingling."
Well, why not? YOUR life should revolve around what SHE wants constantly. YOU can't live "tied up in her basement" because THAT is what she would be comfortable with. YOU are your OWN person and ARE allowed to MAKE friends, hang out with friends, or co-workers without her freaking out.
How would turning your phone off have escalated? Would she have shown up and made an ass of herself? OR would she have been EVEN more controlling later on?
HERE is the thing. YOU need to SET clear boundaries for HOW people treat you, EVEN your GF. If it's NOT OK with you that she BOMBARD you with texts and calls when you are TRYING to work, SHE needs to NOT do that.
IF she REFUSES to try and trust you, what do you really HAVE? IF she refuses to see that HER behavior is HURTING you, what do you really have? IF she CONSTANTLY think you are cheating, WHY is she with you?
It's NOT healthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't shut my phone off bc that really would have escalate things. She doesn't feel comfortable with me over other people homes especially since I rarely do any mingling. At 11pm she asked why couldn't I have gone in the am. I went over a friend house one time who was lesbian to watch television and chill. The girl girlfriend wasn't there but she knew me n it wasn't like that she was just my friend. I hardly have any. So my gf is always weary of anyone who spends time with me even men and I've never even been nor do I want to be with a guy sexually. She asked a lot of ppl n said there's no way u can't know who sent you those flowers , she began to accuse me of having a relationship with someone else and leading them on. I told her I have not been leading on anyone. I may need more help than she does bc I can never truly leave n keep her out my life. I don't understand myself. Sometimes I feel so lost. N make matters worse she is everything to me, or at least I have made her my all things by exalting her. I don't even know if I can leave.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2015):
Why did you not just tell her that you were working and had had enough of her accusations and controlling behavior, and THEN shut the phone off?
Does she ACTUALLY have any reason not to trust you? ANY at all? If not, then she will NOT change. She believes by TREATING you like you ARE cheating she is in control. You will ALWAYS be on the defensive and SHE on the offensive.
The fact that you CATERED to her insecurities or control issues is not helping either. It only REINFORCE her beliefs that she is ENTITLED to treat you like she owns you. She isn't.
I wold NOT move in with er OR marry her till this issue is resolved. SHE needs to either find a therapist or counselor and LEARN to deal with those insecurities or THIS is how your future will be....
You know someone send my anonymous flowers more than once.. It happened to be (one of the times) a stalker, so yeah, not something I was excited about finding out.
HOW are you supposed to know who sent them? HOW is it your fault someone thought of you and sent you flowers, but didn't send a card?
This isn't a healthy relationship. And if SHE can not resolve those issues or don't WANT to resolve them, I would find it really hard to keep trying.
She KNEW where you were, she KNEW you were suppose to be working - and what does she do? SHE BULLIES you and tries to CONTROL you. And unfortunately when you try and REASON with her you are ENABLING her behavior.
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