A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering if anyone could give me some insight or thoughts on the reaction of my in-laws (particularly father-in-law)when I revealed to them, when I was extremely upset, about the extent of their son's (my husband), cheating on me over a 6 year period with different women he had been meeting on dating sites.When I first found out about this MIL's reaction was, "Has he been a naughty boy?".I said nothing more to them for over a year, until we went on a holiday with them and FIL was telling me to "nag" my husband about his drinking.Anyway, one morning I broke down and told him about his son's cheating. His reaction was to tell me that I wasnt the only woman to have been hurt, he said I couldnt be sure that MY parents hadnt cheated at some stage. He said my siblings were at loggerheads with each other on my wedding day (which they were not). He told me that I didnt spend mothers day with my MIL (which I have spent almost every one with the in-laws), he told me to not disrespect his son in front of HIS grandchildren, and not to disrespect his wife.I am appalled at the attack he levelled at me. The issue was about his son cheating on me and I thought I would get some empathy from him. All he did was make up things about me and my family. When I told MIL what he had just said, she said "Oh he wouldnt have said that", and made me feel like I had made it all up.It seems like they have made me the enemy out of this when I was the one deceived, lied to, cheated on for more than half my 10yr marriage. I understand that MIL cheated on FIL during their marriage.Granted, if I hadnt told them about their son's despicable behaviour, FIL wouldnt have unleashed his tirade at me. My husband had warned me not to tell them because he said they are not the people to go to for sympathy. Any help appreciated as I still cant get over what he said and I wonder why they have never said anything to my husband about it yet chose to show no empathy or understanding to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): Thank you all for your input and replies. I understand that yes, what he did doesnt matter to them as he is their son. I get the impression that infidelity is no big deal to them as long as you keep up the appearance of family, that the vows dont matter.
Many Thanks for the time and thought you all put in in responding. I have read all the responses several times and it helps me better understand the position I find myself in. I know I am nothing to them. They never ask about me or my family and they dont even know if I have brothers or sisters or what their names are. They show no interest yet for some reason they affect me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): I don't think it matters what they think anyway. Your husband has been deceiving you, so get out and don't look back. Unfortunately you won't be able to completely escape your in-laws because they're the grandparents of your children, but you won't have to spend prolonged amounts of time with them anymore.
Forget them and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): what did you expect? Your parents in law gave birth to him and raised him, he's one of their own, they see themselves reflected in him so they want to believe he can do no wrong. you're a traitor as far as they're concerned for tarnishing his good image. unfortunately that's just who they are.
What I'm more concerned with is your whole approach to your husband's cheating. He cheated on you for SIX YEARS. And yet you are still married to him and you still stay with him even though you obviously aren't OK with this (nor should you be!). And then you want his parents' sympathy. This is not the way to do it...if you can't handle his cheating then you leave the marriage. Why do you want or expect his parents to say anything to him about his cheating? He is an adult, he makes his own choices of how he wants to live his life and if it includes cheating, so be it because that's his choice. similarly you are an adult too and you make your own choices for your life and shouldn't expect other people to make your husband change for you.
You have to do the hard work of deciding if you're going to stay in this marriage knowing he will continue cheating on you, or put up with it. But you can't expect his parents to get involved in your marriage and by trying to do that you're unwittingly putting them in a position where they feel their loyalty to him is being tested which is why they react against you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Family trumps in laws. That's what you experienced. FIL perceived you as complaining about his son and he defended him, in an aggressive way but that's what happened.
I'm sorry you had a lousy husband for so many years and an awful encounter with the FIL.
I'm not sure you can put the horse back in the barn on this one, but perhaps time will dull the pain for you. I would NOT discuss husband's infidelities with them again, they have made it plain that they close ranks and you cannot 'win' in this case. Yes, it would have been nice for FIL to take your side and be angry with his son but that was unlikely to happen.
I have a good relationship with my in laws but if I ever appeared disrespectful or mean to my husband, they would not cut me any slack, no matter how exemplary a wife I had been up till that point. I know better than to complain about my husband to any of them. It's just not a good idea and would make me look bad in their eyes. "MY child could do no wrong" kind of thinking. I think my parents would dislike my husband complaining about me, to be fair. It's a protective parent thing, I think.
I think part of what's happening here is that your resentment and anger at your husband still is active. May I ask how it is that you chose to stay with him? Is this a fully reconciled marriage or are you still struggling to repair the damage he did?
I would drop the topic of the cheating and damage to the marriage entirely in the context of the in laws. I might also consider passing on joint family vacations, or if those are unavoidable, take up some activity that keeps you far away from FIL and MIL but allows the grandchildren to spend time with their grandparents.
If the topic ever arises with FIL again, I would have a prepared statement ready. Something like, "I will handle my family issues myself, thank you for keeping your opinion to yourself, out of respect for me and my husband and my children." You have to put it in your own words but what you need ready is a sentence that will halt any discussion about the situation. You can't win this argument, no matter how badly you were treated. They will close ranks around their son. They have to. They made him.
Imagine if someone were to attack one of your children. How would you feel? How would you react? You'd probably rush to their defense, whether they were right or wrong. So the FIL is doing the same and MIL has to protect the FIL. You're the bottom of the totem pole, alas.
I don't know if that will help you cope with the fallout but I hope you aren't taking it personally. This is more to do with them and their son than you, you know. FIL got nasty because he didn't know how else to 'win' that conversation.
Put a great deal of distance without being perceived as disrespectful and do not bring it up again. Go to full neutral. You don't have to express great joy but you also don't have to express anger. Learn some deflective tactics and practice them.
Let it go, as best you can. If you can't let it go, try to work on it as you are working on forgiving your husband, if that is what you are intending to do.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I can think of two possibilities.
They may have said something, and you may just not be in the loop. Obviously, this is pure speculation, but among male friends and family, there is kind of a "front" put up for the women. To a certain extent, some of us will *privately* police the others (one of my cousins called out his brother on cheating and put a stop to it so far as I know; one of my friends talked to another about it before resolving to let it go when they both agreed his wife was insufferable; my uncle put his brother-in-law back on the straight and narrow). Seems there is always a tacit agreement not to talk about it afterwards. I've seen women put up a similar front for the men in their lives, too, though obviously I don't have a great deal of insider information on that one - though it seems that whatever the sex of the cheater, their significant other is always the last one in the entire social circle to find out, so maybe it's just a human flaw to keep silent about this stuff. Either way, your FIL may have privately spoken to his son. From your story, I think this is the less likely possibility.
I think the more likely possibility is that he just accepts cheating as a part of life. Maybe he comes from a culture where mistressing is expected, or maybe it's just his personal experiences speaking. Maybe he values family and "face" more than he values the actual vows that make up a family. I've given up trying to understand how anyone can live with those sorts of morals, but they exist in large numbers.
Or maybe it's just that when he has to choose to side with you or his son, he picks his own flesh and blood, and that family is more important to him than principal. COuld be any of those.
Not sure what you can do with any of this information, but I hope it helps, and best of luck putting your family back on track.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 They don't want to think of their son's behavior as wrong as that would make them reflect on how their behavior and upbringing may have influenced their son's choice to cheat and therefore his belief that this is acceptable behavior in a relationship. So they are playing it down and being defensive so they don't have to face up to the fact that their son is a cheat and therefore a selfish, inconsiderate person. Everyone has different views on cheating but for me, there is no excuse. An adult should know how to tell the difference between right and wrong, and how their actions impact on others. Some people just don't care, or care more for their own comfort and pleasure than that of others.
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