A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice, on how I contributed to this problematic relationship.The first 2 years were fine, but the last year that we moved in together was complete hell. She was always very insecure and would accuse me of being interested in other woman. She would go through my cell phone and my email with out my consent. I always had the strange feeling I should keep my cell phone under lock and key. It even got to the point where it became physical. At first it was her pushing and shoving then it became slapping and then ripping my clothes. One night after an argument I told her I'm going to a friends for the night to cool off, I came back the next morning to find a lot of my things in the garbage.I wasn't even allowed to mention a womans name either as an acquaintance or a coworker. Because if I did she would assume I'm dating them. I remember last christmas, she was pushing me around in her sisters bathroom, all because I had sent a text to a coworker that said "Happy Birthday".She also seemed never happy with the amount of attention or love I did give her. It was if I was doing everything wrong. But I had always read tons of relationship books, but I guess that wasn't good enough. She refused to go to counseling with me, she would only do online counseling.After one argument, where she started a fight about me in front of her family, I packed up some things and left. While leaving the majority of my belongings in her apartment. 7 days later I call to see if we could talk and some other guy answers. He tells me that I'm "Done" and to come get my shit and leave.5 months later, they are still together and he's living there. She doesn't happy, based on her facebook pics. But anyways, I keep wondering, was I abusive to her because I kept wanting to leave? That I kept up and leaving after arguments where she was hitting me?My uncle is a judge here, and he told me to run the other way. His reasoning was, that woman that hit, will most of the time say that they were hit first. Even if it wasn't true. And the courts will side with the woman. Then both will get charged. I didn't know that, but one time she did try to say I hit her, when in reality I just pushed her off me, when she was hitting me. I'm messed up, I keep wondering what I did that caused this.
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christmas, co-worker, facebook, insecure, moved in, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi chickpea. Yea I love my new city. Everything is fresh and new. Weve been broken up now for 6 months. And I don't know why I creep her fb account, other than I really miss her.
And the reason why it bothers me that he makes more money is because now she has a real bread winner, something I never was. Sometimes I wonder, ok all the time I wonder if this bad relationship was my fault. Maybe, just maybe if I would loved her immediately, maybe she wouldn't have been so insecure and then I would have stayed.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Hey friend,
How are you? You mentioned you moved far away? So, how do you like your new city so far? How long has it been since you've broken up with your ex-girlfriend?
Just know that it will take time for you to heal and be kind to yourself and take as long as you need.. I'll suggest that you need to stop checking her Facebook. Who cares now and if you continue doing so it will only make it harder for you to move on... Also, you shouldn't compare yourself to this new guy, who cares if they are happy, if he makes more money... You need to concentrate in your new life now. Anyways, let me know how you are doing...
Take care...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey chickpea, I moved far away and feel like dung. Her new bf earns way more than me. I have the potential to earn as much as him, but lack the self confidence to do it because of past circumstances. This sucks. I creeped her profile on facebook and she seems so happy. Looks like she has her fairy tale after all. Oh well. I've been going to counseling and they all say the same as you, that she was abusive. But it's so hard to believe. And her new guy says he loves her as well. I loved your advice and would love to chat more on here. Thanks
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (29 January 2012):
 She will only if he lets her. Of course, he may be an abuser himself...
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (29 January 2012):
Yes!!! Because you are not the problem, she is. No matter who she's with, she will treat all the same. She needs to acknowledge that she has a anger issues and also needs to learn how to communicate. Ok, she has past problems that made her become this way, but there's no excuse to be physically violent to your partner or anybody. The thing is, if she cannot see that her behavior is wrong, then it's impossible to help her. I am sorry that you are feeling this way and going through a difficult time. It really made me sad that you ask your last question... It's going to be difficult, know that this is only the beginning, but promise it will get better. I think you are too sweet, too nice and deserve someone that will treat you the right way. You deserve to find someone that will respect you, care for you and appreciate you. You know, no relationship is perfect. We are all unique individuals and we do have our own opinions, but relationship is about compromise, sacrifices, and somehow we make it work. The thing that I cannot pass is how can she be in another relationship so soon? I believe in forgiveness and second chances, but I wouldn't be able to be with someone else after being broken up only 2 weeks? I cannot... It's just mentally and physically impossible to me... No matter what we say here, I just have a feeling you'll be back with her... Just remember to put yourself first. Cheer up!..
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWill she treat him like me?
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (29 January 2012):
Hi,
I hope you listen to your uncle. Whatever issues she has, she's dangerous and have bad temper. On top of that, I cannot believe she has another man living with her after 2 weeks only? It's shocking... she doens't love you, I know you've been together 3 years, but even if you are no longer together, it's kind of disrespectul that she will replace you so soon and move on so fast... I think there's no much to consider and her actions says it all.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (29 January 2012):
This was not your fault and you did not deserve to be treated this way.
Your ex-girlfriend is a bully with a very poor self image. She is inherently weak and she knows it which is why she has no respect for anyone who acquiesces to her. In her mind if she is pathetic you must be even worse for staying with her and that is one reason why she mistreats you.
One of the others is to see how much you can take, the way one would test a damaged chair, or step. You press it harder than normal to see how reliable it is.
Another reason is that she is punishing you for breaking the rules you agreed to follow. Remember the first time she reacted violently (physically or verbally)? And all the other times since? When you came back and talked it over you thought you were working it out and making progress. In fact what you were actually doing was ackowledging her terms and agreeing to live by them. You just didn't recognise it then.
Blaming yourself is worse than useless. It encourages further abuse by endorsing violent behaviour and isolating the victim.
You do not reason or negotiate with a bully any more than you'd reason with someone who was drunk or high on drugs. No negotiating, no apologising, not even for your role in the argument that led to the assault because abusers blur the lines and they will mistake that for accepting responsibility for the violence as well. And no concealing their abuse from others. You never isolate yourself.
Your ex-girlfriend has moved on with apparent ease because her loyalty to you was akin to a drunk's loyalty to a bartender. It's not the person but what they can provide that appeals to them. Chances are her new tap will run dry so don't be surprised to hear from her again. Just be prepared.
No amount of 'love' is going to fix what's wrong with this woman. She's out of your life and be grateful for it. Now she is someone else's headache.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if she suffers from any disorders, just that she always said she had abandonment issues. And I only started to live with her the last year. The first 2 years were fine, but after I moved in she started to always accuse me of either cheating or being into other woman.
When she would push me around and hit if leave. I left the last time 2 weeks ago, now some other man is living there.
Kind of shocking, when she said she loves me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): "Why did my ex hit me?"
She's an abuser.
"What did I do to cause her to behave the way she did?"
Nothing. She's an abuser.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): Does she suffer a disorder? Do drugs, drink? Usually an absuive women to this extreme find ways to abuse or create the whole dynamic to play out.
Whats odd about it is that you remained in this relationship for two years so its not just her that suffers low self esteem and is emotionally abusive- you either are an emotionally abusive man yourself or an enabler.
However, if physical violence was her last resort-which isn't healthy, then something is up. Most women in distress, don't get there on their own.
Say if a woman who suffers borderline disorder, meets and falls in love with a Narcissist- TOXIC to the extreme! She wants love, acceptance, safety and you NEVER get that EVER with a Narcissist because they are Perfect and can do no wrong. UGH!
Its best you just seek counselling, heal and recover.
When you become healthy, your choices become healthy. Especially in regards to dating.
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