A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am 36 years old and have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 10 years now. We just recently decided to finally get married (a month ago to be near exact). I've known him since I was about 13 years old. He has been a close family friend this whole time. Basically, I don't believe we've ever truly been happy together. At least I haven't. When I voice my concerns to him about our relationship, he just doesn't get it...or just doesn't care. Don't let me fool you, he is a great guy. Everyone loves him. Very nice, funny, great father...just not the one who fulfills me. My problem is not that he's controlling, jealous, calls me out of my name, or that he's mean...it's that he has no ambition; no goals; no faith that he can be any better...he is very comfortable, therefore he forgets about our relationship completely. We never go on dates. He gets home from work, and we speak maybe once. We separate immediately. He thinks our relationship is going to grow on its own. He'd rather play PS3, or watch ESPN, every chance he gets. He used to go directly across the street and drink the night away with the neighbors, until I had his sh*t packed for him at the door when he came home one time (after so many times), forgetting that night we were supposed to go out together. Problem is he got so drunk he forgot, not only to go but to come home too! If its up to him, we will live under my parents roof forever. If I am not working, we struggle. If I don't do it..it doesn't get done. Don't judge me just yet! I have been the main provider of our family our entire relationship, except when I took time off to have our 2 daughters. After our first girl, he pressured me to go back to work ...why? He couldn't pay the rent on his own...nope! You don't know the half of it, if I didn't push it, he'd still be working making $9 an hour...so yes, I am a bitch to him now. I feel my love for him has turned into resentment and its tearing us apart. He made so many broken promises to me from the beginning, I can't get over it. I had goals, he said he did too...all lies! He's irresponsible. There is no respect anymore. We have no sex life at all. I am absolutely not attracted to him...so why did I marry him when I knew better? I DON'T KNOW! I'm so dumb. I told him I wouldn't do it if we didn't seek out counseling first and we followed thru. We went twice...then we or "I" got caught up in the wedding planning...the therapist suggested that we postpone our wedding to try to save our relationship...he didn't think so. Yes, I know...I should have done something. If you knew him, you'd really like him...but he's not the partner I thought he'd be. I'm sure he has a justified side to his story...but he doesn't know how to communicate...so I'll never know. Gosh, I am so unhappy. I have become an emotional wreck.
View related questions:
ambition, drunk, jealous, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): I am in nearly the same situation. My husband does not work. He drinks every weekend, and is attached to the television or computer through the week. He pays no attention to me...we barely speak. I did try to address this with him, and he said he would "try" however nothing changes. I do understand your frustration. It sounds to be like we both love our husband, but wish they would grow up and share in working towards a better life. I honestly don't know why I have stayed this long. My concern is that your children will grow to think it is okay to lack ambition. We have no children. Kids are receptive, and your girls will soon be able to see that you're unhappy, which isn't good for them. I know it will be hard, but if he doesn't agree to counseling (if that would even help at this point...sometimes its too little too late) you need to take those children and leave.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 You have a lot of anger within you, which is justified, but you have to think rationally. You knew this guy before you married him...in fact you've known him for the past 23 years!! You knew these things about him, and his attitude obviously hasn't become this way overnight.Somewhere down the line this chap knows that you are there to fend for him. He knows that you will provide and take care of him and the family, come what may. And he has taken everything for granted. He's had you around him for the past 2 decades...so now he is as comfortable with you as he would be with his mom!! Dont get me wrong, but he's just bone lazy, has no self respect, and he's just become so used to you and your presence, he just doesnt bother. He knows that you will take care of everything and probably you've also pampered him and molly-coddled him too much in the past.Anyway,for one thing, there IS no justified side to his story. He has'nt communicated for so long, and there is nothing to communicate. He doesnt have anything to say!! He is a lazy, ambition-less person, and some people ARE that way. They just dont strive to be better, are happy with whatever they have, and claw on their providers to keep giving them more and more. Stop mothering him the way you have been and ask him to get off his a*s and start taking charge of his life. And get this...you DONT need him. He needs YOU. Dont ever let a man fool you into thinking that you cant do without him.This man needs you to pay the rent,look after his home, and pay the bills.He might be a great guy with the whole world, but if he's not good with you, what's the point???The universe isint living with him and putting up with this, you are. My question to you is, why are you doing all this? Why have you been putting up with him for so long? If its because you love him, then no matter what anyone says, you would go back to being the provider, and his mommy.But if its because you think you cant think of a life without him after so long, then you might need to re-think that. You might be better off without him. Let him know that if he doesnt take drastic measures and change the way things are, then you will walk out. Dont humiliate him, but tell him clearly that things cannot be this way forever.All the best...you will need it!! Please keep us updated about how things work out.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): It sounds like its not a great relationship and that you resent having to be the main breadwinner in the family. But now in this age of equality this sort of thing may happen more and more. At one time Men were often the only breadwinner while the wife stayed home whether she had kids or not.
Does he at least help around the house and with the kids?
...............................
|
