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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I love my boyfriend very much and I have put up with a lot from him, and have forgiven him many times, even though he feels what he did was justified. See we have been together for 3 years, and in the beginning everything was absolutely perfect. I think he idealized me way too much though, he always said I wasn't liek other girls and stuff. Until one day he asked me about some stuff in my past and I panicked, and lied, and then came clean and he was very dissapointed by the lying and the things I'd done (despite the fact that everything happen before I met him).After that he became increasingly mean with me, complaining about my past, saying he didn't trust me and I've been walking on eggshells ever since. I had to stop talking to friends he didn't trust, etc. HE has called me names many times etc.He always uses my past against me. Last night we had a great time with some of his friends. I had to give him some CD he wanted, but I forgot to take it. Today he complained about that, telling me that whenever the guys I used to be with before wanted something I did it on the spot. He says he doesn't care if we break up, and that he's fed up with me. He says if I don't start doing everything right he'll just break up with me, that I can take it or leave it. I love him very much so I took it. But that attitude contrasts so much with how sweet he was last night.It's like he looks hard to find any detail that he doesn't like and complain. I haven't been nagging him or anything, like I used to, so what am I doing wrong? He always says he would never treat another girl like this, if she were good and wasn't a liar and a whore like me. Then other times he says he loves me, that's hes sorry of everything he's put me through and that I'm the love of his life and wants to be with me forever. Why is he so hard to please? He's my first boyfriend by the way, and I doubt I'll ever find someone like him who has so much in common with me, and who is also so smart and funny. All the guys I was with before were just random hook ups (no sex, just kissing, I was a virgin when we started dating). Why did I have to fall in love for the first time with someone like him, so perfect but so bad at the same time? I just wish he'd realize I am a good person and that my past doesn't define me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): The problem is not that you "have a past." The problem is that you lied about it. If you didn't wanna tell him the truth then you should've just been upfront with him that you had no intention of telling it all. For a lot of couples that situation works fine.
I don't let him off the hook about porn either. You deserve the truth about that if you want it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Male anon, even if it hurts or if the mistrust is a dealbreaker, then he should have ended the relationship about 2 and a half years ago... come to think of it, HE DID. But he came back... we have broken up several times and he comes back. I don't force him, he comes 'cause he wants to. And if he comes back, then he has a responsibility in making it work too, right? Plus no matter how much a person hurts you, you don't mistreat them. I haven't mistreated him, ever.
I have a past, deal with it. I'm not sorry because of that. Men expect us to get over certain things, well they have to get over some others too. I hate porn with all my heart, but do I nag about it endlessly or call him names? No. He should get over my past. And when men lie about their porn use, they're supposed to be forgiven because "they lie to protect you, not to hurt you". Well, I lied because of that too, since I knew my past would upset him. Privacy is privacy, and I happen to think my past should be private. He should count himself lucky that he's like the only person who knows me that well, not even my closest friends know everything about my past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2009): Notice that he became such an evil ogre AFTER he found out that he couldn't trust you?
I agree that he's acting like an asshole right now. But I think his real sin is not breaking up with you when he needs to. The mistrust is a deal-breaker for him. This is unfortunate but it's understandable.
Nobody copes very well when their lover has caused emotional trauma on them that won't stop hurting. Eventually it makes a person resent the lover for causing it, which is why he's always being a dickhead lately. He tries to put it aside, but then it wells up inside and he blows up again in frustration. This isn't ever going to stop. I think he needs to realize that and break up with you. Staying together is hurting him and it's making him hurt you. This isn't helping anyone.
You will probably get some advice saying he could or should "just get over it." I don't agree. If he didn't want to get over it then he would have left you a long time ago. Right now, THIS IS him trying to get over it. It's obviously not working at all.
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A
male
reader, thegem  +, writes (2 November 2009):
I have no idea why some men treat women like crap, I never have and never will, but I too have been dumped on.
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