A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why did I change? Why did I fall out of loves with her so drastically?I was in a relationship for just over a 1 1/2 years. I never really felt like she was the right person for me, but I stuck it out because we were having a lot of fun together, it seemed like a good relationship and because I thought these doubts would disappear after some time. Anyway, things changed about 7 months ago when I changed jobs. Suddenly I didn't have much free time on my hands, or not near as much as I used to. Eventually making time to see her felt like more of a chore, which of course wasn't right. I found myself being irritated by certain things she did more and more and I was all too aware of it and this made me feel very guilty. I didn't like the way that I was treating her anymore and I called things off.I used to love her. I still really like her as a person and I don't want to hurt her. I know that she would never hurt me. She loves me very, very much, and I feel terrible that I can't seem to match what she feels for me. I'm trying to figure out why I have changed so much. I don't feel that I love her as anything more than a friend now. But why did it happen? Why did I change? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 You were in love with the idea of loving this "perfect" person, she was not the love of your life. You woke up and realised you want it all, just that you took too long and in the process you also hurt this person - no fault of hers.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 June 2013):
 Maybe the reality is that you were MORE in love with the IDEA of her as a person and as your GF then you were with the ACTUAL girl. It happens.
So she wasn't the ONE for you, you did the right thing and ended it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): People connect for many different reasons. Some relationships have an immediate attraction; but they are only meant to be short-term. People hookup and the powerful hormonal high makes them think they're in love. They become addicted to the endorphins generated between them.If you quickly enter a relationship because of good sex, or if you were on the rebound following a breakup; your feelings of affection are likely to either change, or stop altogether. She fulfilled a need for the moment.You stuck it out for her sake, but didn't truly fall in love. You've come down off your hormonal high. They last about 18 months. You were euphoric while the sex was fresh, now life seems stagnant and routine for you. You were fond of her; but you were up to your neck once you moved in together. She made it bearable. Quite pleasant for you. She's a great roommate with benefits. Now you're in a rut and you're bored.Who did you happen to meet on your new job that made you decide you can't feel love for her anymore? Did you cheat on your girlfriend, now you feel guilty? Some incident, or someone, gave you the itch to move on; suddenly your feelings changed? Sorry, you're holding something back.Leading her on was cruel and convenient. You took advantage of the unconditional love she offered. It was safe and comfortable. She inflated your ego, and you enjoyed the adoration. She was infatuated; that has an intoxicating affect on the person on the receiving end.The longer you stayed, the deeper she became emotionally attached, thinking you felt the same. She did everything she could to please you; while hoping to make you love her back. You can't fake it anymore.You didn't fall out of love; you never were in love. You're ready to move on now. Love has run its course.Guilt and selfishness are the only reasons you stayed. I'm sorry for the both of you. This will end painfully.Especially for her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 June 2013):
 "I'm trying to figure out why I have changed so much."
You didn't change, you just stop faking it. Like you say yourself, she wasn't the one for you and you knew all along. You were just comfortable. Accepting of her presence, but not in need of her.
I don't know why you're trying to find reasons when it's so obvious. You were fooling yourself by not being true to yourself and your wants. You wasted your time and hers. Sure you loved her. Humans are capable of loving people, almost anyone, as long as they spend enough time together. We can love someone and not even like them, just love them. Like we do with numerous family members. I don't particularly LIKE my father, or enjoy his company, but even if he can give me a great headache I still love the guy. You know, that's just how things are with people. We grow to love them. So I don't question your love for her, I am sure it was genuine. But this type of sisterly love, or love you give to a fellow human being, is far from the passionate, romantic love.
Maybe your ex is questioning this and wants to know why you've "changed"? Lesson: people never change. For the majority of the time anyway. But a year into a relationship is when people start to reveal their TRUE SELF. And after a year and a half.. well, you can imagine. All my prior relationships ended after almost exactly a year and a half. A year to see who the person truly is, then 6 months of agony as I tried to figure out what to do next, because I wasn't happy and I wasn't sure if breaking up was right or not. But after 6 months of not being happy things were stretched thin and the relationship ended.
Same thing happened in your case. Except this time it was the other way around. You weren't honest about who you were, you weren't honest with yourself and you weren't honest with her. Either way, no blame. People can't possibly really know you anyway until they've spent at least a year in a relationship with you. And around that point, you start to see who someone truly is. So, you didn't change, you just realized this wasn't what was going to make her or you happy.
But if you want to tell her why you "changed", phrase it this way: After a year in a relationship with her you realized this wasn't a relationship that could make you, or her, happy. You enjoyed her company, and do love her, but not in the special way that is needed for you to be happy in a long term relationship. You thought the feelings might grow (well, you kinda did), but they didn't. And rather than dragging it out until you both started to resent each other, you decided to end the relationship. It was the mature decision to be made, and you are confident she will find someone who can love her the way she deserves to be loved, someone who can see a future with her. But it wasn't you, and you know this because you can feel it in your heart. Tell her you're sorry.
Then end communications with her, because surely she will try to get you back, as she's in love and thinks you "changed", hence there's a chance you might "change" back... Don't get back with her. Follow your heart from here on and only be with someone if she's like air to you and you can't live without.
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A
female
reader, narda1 +, writes (11 June 2013):
People change all the time and it doesn't make you a bad person. I can relate to your situation because I also had a long relationship with a guy and felt like you at a certain point. I felt guilty because I knew he loved me and I didn't want to hurt him. EXACTLY FOR THAT REASON is why I broke up with him. Think how would you feel if someone does the same to you and the only reason they are still on the relationship is because they don't want to hurt you??
I personally thought that and I realized that would EVEN HURT ME MORE. After breaking up with him, I realized I did good. Of course it will hurt at the beginning but believe me, nobody dies of love. You too will move on and it will be for the best.
Best of the luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Nothing changed OP, you just reached the end of your tether in pretending to be in a relationship with a woman you really didn't want to be with.
OP you only stuck it out. As soon as your life took a direction where you'd have to actually work a bit harder to maintain a relationship with her, the cracks started to show.
OP you can't help who you love and you can't force yourself to view someone as right for you if they're not. The only thing you should feel guilty about is continuing on a relationship for so long with a woman who you felt wasn't right for you.
Now you know how that works out, and this is always how it goes. So just don't that again in the future.
You didn't fall out of love, nothing really changed, you just tried to force yourself to make it work when it never had a chance. Your feelings then changed from duty and wanting to, to realizing that it's better that you end it.
No big deal OP, you live and you learn. Just do everything in your power to keep from hurting her. If she's finding it hard to let go, then cut her off. Friends may not be possible for her in the way it is for you, you have to do everything you can to help her move on even if the only way you can do that is by getting rid of her.
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