A
male
age
36-40,
*damn im screwed
writes:I need help! I got married when I was twenty one. To my beautiful, caring and amazing wife. But a couple months ago I did something terrible...I cheated. I was out of town. My job causes meh to be gone a lot more now and I. Was having sexual urges and I met a woman at a bar and ended up sleeping with her. It was terrible! She was soo loose it felt disqusting being inside her. With only god knwoing who else had been there. She looked nothing like my wife. She was a blonde. My wife has dark hair. She was tall and thin. My wife shorter and thicker. Yes the lady was beautiful but looks only go so far. While havin sex with her all I could think about was how much I was fuking up something great and after a few moments I stopped and left. When I got back home to my wife I felt nervous all the time. The guilt was eatin me up inside. She never deserve any kind of hurt that this would do to her. So I dnt knoe whether I should tell her or not. I can't stop thinking about how if I tell her she'll leave me and not look back. I knoe someof u think she should but I love her with all of meh and could never ever dream of hurting her . she's. Been threw hell with me. From the death of my father, to the death of my brother who died and a car accident. Finnacial troubles. Everything u could think of. Both of exs cheated on u and. We both knoe that second chance rarely ever mean anything to the cheater. But this time its different. I've known her along time and to be without her would drive me insane.. Please help. Should I tell her or just let it eat at my soul till the grave? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ishana +, writes (16 June 2010):
I suggest that you keep this experience to yourself. My experience tells me that no good can come from "confessing" your misdeed to your wife. You will hurt her beyond words. You alone made the decision to cheat - it did not involve her. You have broken your covenant to be faithful to her - and it is your own integrity that is compromised. Learn from your mistake - and NEVER do it again. As you grow older you will realize there are will be things that you do not share with your spouse - petty, every day things and sometimes bigger things. My thinking on this is that it is an act of love to not hurt your wife. The misdeed is in the past - leave it there. If she learns about the misdeed do not lie about it; if she wants to know why you didn't tell her explain that it was because you love her so very much that you couldn't bear to hurt her with the information. Use this experience to help you realize how much you value your wife and the relationship - and keep it honorable and true from here on out. If you need to talk about the experience and/or confess it to someone - find a clergyperson or counselor. Find a way to forgive yourself and move on and let this experience bring joy and happiness to you and your wife by showing her how much you love her. In time, you may even see this experience as something positive as long as you NEVER, EVER cheat again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): by what you said, you're wife stuck with you through so much. she seems to be in insanely in love with you too. it will affect your relationship if you tell her. but nothing good will come about if you keep hiding the truth. sure she'll be mad at you. but i dont think she would want to divorce or anything. and i think she'll understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Don't expect absolution, you deserve to feel guilty. For various reasons my former partner and I didn't have sex for over two years and I didn't cheat on her. In the end, the relationship fell apart, but if you make the vows you darn well keep them or get out if you feel you want to break them.
Sorry, if she is "the one" you wouldn't have cheated. Perhaps you married too young and needed to spray your wild oats a little more first? You now have to pay the price for the decision you made. No one made you, no excuses. You're an adult, not a teenager.
Telling her could destroy her and she doesn't deserve that. But you are also possibly not the person she thinks you are and not worthy of her love, so perhaps she does deserve the chance to decide for herself whether she wishes to remain with you. If she is as lovely as you say she is, you should probably walk away because she deserves better.
Either way, you're gonna have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life. You know your wife, we don't. The best course of action is whatever is best for HER, certainly not about clearing your conscience.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Don't beat yourself up too bad. What you did wasn't the best decision but it happens. Lean from your mistake and don't tell her. Don't put yourself in a position for failure. Stay out of the bars!Even the strongest men will give in to temptation when they put themselves in a bad situation.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (15 June 2010):
 Don't punish yourself too much. Somewhere between 1/2 - 2/3rd of men will cheat given a sufficiently good opportunity. I spend 60 -80 nights a year in 5 star business hotels and those hotels are basically brothels in terms of the amount of illicit sex that goes on.
You however sound like a good man that isn't going to do it again. Good luck to you.
Do not tell your wife because that is what will cause the pain not the stupidity of picking up a girl in a bar.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): Fast forward several years.... you haven't cheated again, having learnt from this experience and you now have children with your wife. Lovely. Will you still regret what you did? yes. Will you still feel guilty? yes. Will you ever feel good enough for your wife because of what you did behind her back? No. Will meals out, flowers and holidays make up for it? Doing what you did is often about lust but also about allowing yourself to use and be used. You need to be really honest with yourself about why you did it. Otherwise it will happen again and again. I cheated on my husband - similar to you I disgusted myself. However I told my husband the next day after I had done it because I could not look him in the face and hold onto dishonesty. We are all different. It is me that has to live with what I did.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (15 June 2010):
 You cheated on her because you're weak, I guess. No amount of excuses and justifications will change the fact. The question is whether you truly regret it and think that, as a person, you have changed and will not repeat it.
Should you tell her? Not a question to which there is a simple answer. There will be consequences, short-term as well as long term. Are you capable of carrying the secret to your grave? Do you trust yourself to be a faithful husband in future wihtout divulging this to your wife? These are things you should consider before you decide.
Lastly, as YouWish said, get yourself tested for STD's.
P.S. If the incident happend in WV and the girl had curly hair and bore my name, you're clean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2010): what you did was wrong! If you tell her you will lose a good thing. I would never forgive a man for cheating on me because cheating is wrong. If your woman makes you happy and has done nothing to deserve that kind of hurt it is selfish it was your needs and thoughts. If I was you I would do everything I could to make my wife happy and spoil her but to tell her will break her heart and destroy her faith in you. Eat at your soul not her's you caused the pain you live with it but don't be selfish and make her live with your sin.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 June 2010):
 First thing you have to do is get tested for Sexually Transmitted diseases. Risky anonymous sex is a very dangerous undertaking, and I know that what would hurt your wife more than you cheating on her is you bringing home genital herpes or HIV.
Also, you need to figure out WHY you cheated on your wife, because if you don't figure it out and make a profound change in your own life, you ARE going to cheat again. All it takes are these "excuses" aka the hard knock life with the financial troubles and the fact that 2 ex'es who have nothing to do with your wife cheated on you.
Pinpoint WHY you are a weak man. Make ZERO excuses.
Now, should you tell your wife. That's a hard one. Know what? I'm not going to tell you what to do with that one. You most likely will lose your wife if you tell her. You might lose her anyway because what you'll do is start closing off from her to keep her from picking up on it, and we women are GREAT at picking up on stuff.
Something for my curiosity - you mentioned about it "being disgusting" inside her. Did you orgasm with her??? Again, there's all the remorse in the world after the deed is done. I'm asking because it's telling whether or not you could stop yourself before "finishing" or not.
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