A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 20 years old have a baby and a wonderful husband. We've know each other for only 3 years but i have always felt he is the love of my life.. except for now im not sure anymore. 3 months ago i cheated on him and made out with another guy and since then we've seen each other a few times. I dont feel i love this other man but i have this need to be around him and be with him both emotionally and sexually. He is also married and has a baby. We both know its not right but something keeps bringing us back to each other.My husband and his wife have no idea about us. I love my husband and he does good by me and always has. Sometimes i just feel like were on opposite sides of the world and theres nothing to change that. We have completely different views on just about everything. Yet we fit together like a glove. And they say opposites attract but at what point do they start to repel? I feel horrible about cheating on him but at the same time, when Im with the other man, i feel alive. I dont feel confused i know exactly what im doing. When Im with my husband, I just try not to think about how i feel because maybe im afraid that i will find i dont love him any more. So here i am. Stuck. I guess what Im trying to figure out, is why did i cheat? why dont i feel the same about the man i layed out my life for? is it me? is it him? what happened......? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): My dear, feelings of infatuation can make you do crazy things...like put you at risk of losing your family because you are infatuated with another guy. You said it yourself, you don't love this other guy, but you can't stop having an affair with him.
This means there is something lacking in your married life, whether it be emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, communication, understanding, or otherwise. Before you set yourself up for failure of marriage by continuing your illicit relationship, work hard on your marriage. DO NOT throw your family away for one guy, then a couple of months down the road, realize too late what a HUGE mistake you made.
Start off by confessing to your husband about your relationship with this man. THIS STEP IS VERY IMPORTANT, WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO DO IT. You could end up repairing your marriage, but still have a nasty, infected thorn in your side from harboring this secret.
Next, go to a counselor. I STRONGLY, STRONGLY, suggest a Christian counselor, even if neither of you are Christian. They will NOT try to convert you, but rather, help repair your marriage.
If you truly find that you don't have romantic feelings for your husband anymore, the least you could do for him is divorce him and leave him with dignity, THEN pursue other relationships. Don't do this until YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN, because it could be just a phase.
Good luck with your marriage.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Its simple. In your words: "I just try not to think about how i feel because maybe im afraid that i will find i dont love him any more."
What you are saying is, you are afraid to be true to who you are when you are with your husband. This fear comes from worrying that you arent able to be truly yourself with him in some way, and that feeling feeds your fear like a vicious circle. That's why it feels great around this other guy, you can be whatever you want to be. Its why you don't feel "alive" around your husband, but you do around this other guy.
Relationships are challenges. The longer you are in a relationship, the more we fall into patterns of behaving, which are predictable, automated, not spontaneous, and leave us feeling like we are not being true to ourselves. Then we start to be afraid to be true to ourselves because the other person isn't used to that, they are used to our predictable behaviour.
Be yourself. This starts with having challenging conversations, such as sitting down with your husband and saying "I am afraid to tell you how I really feel about things, because I might discover that I don't really love you any more." These conversations feel terrifying sometimes, but they always end well. By that I mean, it will either help you create a relationship with your husband that is worth having and rediscover your love, or help you realise you can't have a healthy relationship with your husband because you truly don't love him and can't rediscover it. Either way, whatever that outcome, its for the best if it means you can be true to yourself, that is what is most important, because there is no happiness for either of you without that.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 You cheated because there was something missing in your relationship and the temptation was too great to resist. It's really not your fault as much as you make it out to be.
Throughout our lives we are always faced with the temptation to see if the grass is really greener on the other side for what ever reason we may have. Cheating is just one step past the imagining most people stop at. Now I know that you are upset here but your life is far from over. If you realize why you are with your husband and how much you love him from all of this then it might make you grow closer to him. There is always a positive spin on every situation and right now you need to put this behind you and just be with your family.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): ! If you Love your husband the way you Say you do you would do everything you can not to hurt him its almost totally normal for you to want to make out with people other that your husband COs_ it could get boring with only him in the picture but instead you have to try to try new things in your sex life and pay more attention to the things you both love, find a quiet place and really don't runaway from your thought, try and figure out it you really love your husband and if you really wanna make it work. And try 2 cut all form of contact with the dude with the-wife. there s no beautiful ending with that and also consider your kid if you want the best 4 him/her
...............................
A
male
reader, jk147 +, writes (6 December 2010):
I have seen this a lot.. kids marrying at a young age and want to explore because they didnt get a chance to. I think this is actually "kind of" normal. It happened to several of my friends when I was young and life just seemed to drag on forever since you still have a ton of energy, but locked in to a family life.
I think the chance of this happening again will be high, it might not be the next year, or the year after that.. but you will want to seek that thrill again. I think you should discuss this with your husband since there is a baby involved.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Don't beat yourself up too badly. Yes cheating is horriable but so is being unhappy. I cheated on my husband. I fessed up to it and we work through it. The reason I cheated is because I felt my husband lost undressed in me. He was not bad to me just distant and closed off. Our sex life was horriable (more like non existing). When i tryed to bring talk about the problem we ended up fighting. Then I ran into a beautiful man who just got back from afganitan. Even though he lived six hours away he gave me more attention than my husband did. He always had something nice to say to me. I felt the way I did when I first meet my husband. I could see somethig really happening between me and him. I told my husband I was leaving him. He begged me to stay. I choose to give my husband a chance because I did have an obligation to him. But honestly the reason I did it was so he could fail and I could move on without guilt. Well he didn't fail. He changed. We are now so strong and so inlove... it might have been the best thing that happens to our marriage. But I have to admit sometime I think about the other man. He was a very good man. And something in me wonder what would have been. But I am so happy with my choice. But trust me just because he's a good guy doesn't mean your meant to be. Bit if you want to work it out you have to be honest.
...............................
A
female
reader, freebirdsfly  +, writes (6 December 2010):
To be honest, it sounds as though you have taken alot on for your age. I dont mean that patronizingly at all. I think you've had to grow up fast, being a mother and a wife at 20, and you are just feeling bored with the familiarity, and mundaneness that comes with everyday life.
The first thing you need to figure out is if you would be upset if you lost your husband.
Even if he doesnt find out, which is unlikely - these kind of things always have a habit of biting us in the backside eventually, could you live with such a big lie between you?
One of the most important aspects of any relationship is trust, and I think you really need to think your options through, and then talk to your man.
I cheated on a longterm boyfriend when I was younger, and after a year I had to confess as it ate me up when we were lying in bed at night. All the passion I felt for this other man had disappeared, and I was just left with guilt.
That said, dont come down on yourself too hard, you wouldnt have cheated if everything was really happy at home. Really think about what it is that you arent happy with. Are you just bored with life in general and this other guy is putting a bit of excitement out there? or maybe you and your husband have just grown apart. Dont be afraid to find the truth, life is about changing and growing and no one is to blame here. Its best to deal with now though, so you can look back on it with dignity and pride.
Good luck hunny, if you ever want to talk you can always inbox me xx
...............................
|
