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female
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anonymous
writes: I need as much advice as possible on this one guys, so if you have the time, I'd be very appreciative!Ok, I'm 23...my ex is 41 with 4 children from 3 different mothers. When we were together I found an email from his ex, which was left on the table, saying all the things that she would like to do to him (if you get the jist?). I confronted him about it, and he said it was a test. But he had no reason to test me, and why would someone test their partner in such a way which will cause them to possibly lose them all together. Anyhow, I accepted his explanation, but explained how he was going to have to work with me to regain my trust (as I still didn't believe his explanation 100%). Nevertheless, we continued our relationship. His children live in London, and he has no option but to see his children with their mothers. I don't know why, but I accept that. Although I did expect him to 'try' and make me feel secure about his other life, especially when he was with the child and ex (the one in question) that wrote the email. But I hardly heard from him, he never called me when he was in their presence, just a text. The thing that topped it was when he was with his child and ex (in question) and had a serious injury through football on an opening day. He didn't think to text me to let me know he was being taken into hospital or anything. He said he left his phone in his car, but if that was me, it would be one of the first things in my mind 'let him know what's going on'. But nothing, just hours of silence. What started it off was when I texted him, mentioning how this was not making me feel secure about his relationship with his ex, and he came out with 'I've been in hospital...bla bla bla'. It just seemed as though I wasnt/and am not a priority..just what's happening at that particular moment in time. So now I'm not with him. He wants me...it's been 7 months since we split and I need him becoz I love him, but I also need that trust, and I feel like that can't be regained if hes not conscious of the things that occur and paint a bad light on him. How can I get our relationship back to the way it was before the email, before that? I just feel like I need some involvement in his other life, but the exes won't let his kids meet me. So I don't want to cause hassle as he fought for months through CSA.Heeeelllllpppppp....what does he need to do? And what can I do to get that trust back? I trust him, but not wholely...when my instincts kick in, there sometimes feels like he's leading another life sometimes. But this is mainly when he's visiting his kids for the weekend. I get insecure about it, becoz it's the unknown and becoz of the email she wrote...Please help! Why do I have to fall in love with a man who says he tested me in such a cruel way!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2006): I agree with the others, great advice. I also want to pick up on this "I need him becoz I love him"
I think you need him because you don't feel like you can do any better. This guy has a huge amount of baggage, and I get the sense you are far too young, and the wrong time of person to have to take all that on. His "tests" and your reaction shows just how unhealthy this relationship seems.
Love can be a great emotion, but simply loving someone is not a good reason to stay in to a relationship. Stand up for yourself, spend this time apart thinking how much better it would be to fall in love with someone more your age, and without the manipulative behaviour and baggage. I realise it's easier said than done, but, in the the future I think you'll look back on it with relief.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 July 2006):
 I don't buy the 'test' explanation. It makes no sense. What is he actually testing? Putting something horrible in front of you to see if you freak out? Thats not called 'testing', it's called 'being an asshole'.
Handle with extreme caution is my advice. A man with children from 3 different women clearly has commitment issues. It doesn't bode well.
Why will he treat you any different? Do you know enough about his past to feel secure? Has he changed? Are you sure? Do you know how and why? These questions are probably at the root of your trust issues. Your common sense is battling with your infatuation, trying to tell you that you have fallen for someone that on paper looks like a big gamble.
There's not much you can do to get this trust. He has to be open with you. You have to build and sustain a real connection. If you can't do this, you'll not feel you can trust him, and quite rightly, because by the sounds of it he's simply not trustworthy.
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (4 July 2006):
 I Dont get the nature of the test ?? How is that testing you ? Was he just after a reaction ? Fact is if its from her then it was written from her to him, so where's the test in that ? Is he saying that she sent it and he wanted you to read it and then approach him about it ? Seems a tad odd that he woldnt just tell you she had sent it and that he didnt know why?? Im not understanding that part! You say you dont trust him... or rather you trust him a bit... trouble is without the trust your dead on your feet.. You will always feel this way until you trust him, so you have to decide to either forgive forget move on or live with it and hope it goes away!! Which isnt likely... until you can feel in your heart that he wants to be with you and no one else then you will continue to feel this way. Now he has all these children dotted about, which says to me that hes not really a stayer now is he ? what would make you so different from them ? You already have doubts about him spending time with his children wondering what they are getting up to etc and you say you feel second best. So that coupled with the no trust issue are you sure you want to be in this relationship ? Whats in it for you ? YOu appear to be getting nothing that you want from it so why are you wanting to still be there ? a relationship can only work if you both put the effort in... you need to sit and talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel, isoslated a person for the moment, and you feel untrusting of him because of this email saga(which i havent a clue about!) you have to tell him that you want to make a fresh start and that means both of you making an effort. If he really wants to make thigns work with you then he will have no qualms in understanding where you are coming from and will help to reassure you and make you feel more important. Perhaps he is indeed living another life ? What makes you think that.. you are clearly thinking that were on your own in this relationship and until you speak to him about all of this the trust issue, the insecurity, the issue of feeling 2nd best then you will not make any headway. he needs to know how you are feeling. If after speaking to him you dont manage to clear the air and you still have doubts then you may have to decide if you want to continue with the relationship or cut your loses and run. Why does he want you back ? Have you asked him why he wants to be with you, what does he see for the two of you together ? how does he see things panning out.. what does he want.. do you both indeed want the same things. Trust is major and you cant get that back you will struggle no end, you have to outline to him all the reasons you feel like you do and that things would have to change. But think clearly about what you really want, do you want to be able to have children later on for example ? hes got 4, im guessing hes not really after anymore, you need to both want the same thing for any of this to work.. Its not all about him, your still very young, you need to live a little, hes done alot of his and you need to see whether he is actually holding you back or not... make sure you both get what you want out of it or you will be feeling like this a few months done the line again.
Take care x
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