A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this man for two years. He lived with me for 9 months. He said that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. His ex kept his clothes and wouldn't give them back until they talked. He goes over to talk and never comes back. He says he really loves her and wants to try to work things out with her. But I love you too but not the same way. He did this over the phone. He calls me everyday to meet him at lunch so we can talk. He said that he has a addiction problem that he is trying to get help that I accepted his drinking and that she didn't. He was drinking while he was with her before I even met him, they would go out to clubs, and parties and drink at home. We never went anywhere, but over in his old neighborhood which he lied to take him there so he could drink, when I refused he get mad. He never drank that much with me, only with her. So why did he leave me to go back when I was the only on who supported him and helped him when no one was there for him. Well he ever come back?
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female
reader, starismine1 +, writes (4 September 2008):
 The fact that he didn't drink as much with you isn't really significant, because his addictive personality is what you are attracted to. He probably has a sex addiction as well, and is very needy and dependent on you. This behavior is all "addictive personality" traits. A guy with addictive personality traits has a surface behavior of doing things like drinking or gambling, etc. but then he has certain behavior as well. The behavior is a cat and mouse game of not doing the addiction, then doing the addiction...so you accept him, then not accept him. But what never goes away is his basic personality pattern which is what really attracts you to him. These kinds of men (men with addictive personalities) are dependenet emotionally on women to get through life, and they have commitment issues and fear of intimacy, so they often go from depending on one to the other, and sometimes the one accepts them and then gives them a hard time and then they go back to the other and the other accepts them and this pattern plays out over and over until one womann finally ends the cycle by breaking up with them and then they start it over again with someeone new. They also often have sex addiction in addition to alcohol addiction which makes them crave one, then they lose interest and go to another and this pattern plays out over and over. The bottom line is this: Do you want to be with someone who is so unhappy with their life that they can only cope with it by needing you, and numbing their pain with sex and alcohol? Don't you deserve to be with someone who can love you and stay with you and doesn't need to numb themselves to cope with life? First and foremost, stop believing what he tells you is the truth about what's motivating him to do what he does. Start seeing him for his true self. Yes, you must start seeing him and his behavior through clearer lenses. It isn't just about how much he drinks, it's about you being attracted to a man who lies to you, cheats on you, depends too much on women to get through life, possibly has anger issues, and probably is verbally abusive to you. You always do what he wants, right? What would he be like if you didn't? He'd be long gone and back to her, or raging with you or disappearing for a week until he forgives your behavior, right? That is abuse, and that is addictive behavior. I recommend that you start reading books on this subject about addictive behavior,and start understanding what about your upbringing makes this kind of behavior from men attractive to you. Until you do this and become enlightened about the role addictive behavior playedd in your life, with your dad in particular, this kind of guy will come into your life over and over again. So, my best wishes to finding happiness on your journey and finding your truth...because when you find this, you will find a caring guy who loves you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): Don't expect a partner to be thankful because you approved of his drawbacks. What else did you accept from him apart from his drinking issues? A relationship is never about martyrising oneself. What drew my attention is that you seem to think you have won your right to this relationship because you were so considerate, but what about him? Was he considerate to you? Don't answer that, it's time to let go. Get back your self-esteem and your strengths and try to move on.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 September 2008):
Well it could be that although you are the logically better choice - he just loves her.
You are a wonderful woman and will make the right man SO happy as he will have been so lucky to have found someone as strong and caring as you.
But it seems this guy just wants to go back to the gutter with this girl. He'll probably get all kids of problems and then she'll abandon him again and he'll come back to you, but once he's sorted out, who is to say the pattern won't repeat itself?
I think you have done the best you could and this guy is an idiot. But some times you just have to accept that he has chosen the stupid option. There is nothing you can do.
Move on and find a guy with a brain who will appreciate what a wonderful person you are.
Good Luck!! xx
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