A
female
age
30-35,
*ammy09
writes:Hi. Need some advice . I was in a relationship for 4 years and we loved each other. He kept me very happy and was always there for me. He was the best in happiee times but worst during rough patches. A small arguement was good enough to make him give up on the relationship! I uses to convince him that one lil arguement in a couple of months is ok, he would understand, apologize and come back. I started bottling up my feelings to avoid arguements but it cant be sunshine and roses all the time. This time i got a lil mad about us being too busy at work and not spending enough time. He brokeup! Told him perfect relationships with no arguement EVER doesnt exist. Tried to convince him, did all i could, been 15 days. He calls me when he is missing me, he does care, but he refuses to talk abt relationship at all! What has gotten into him that he gave up so easily! He uses to flee always after fights but would understand he is wrong and would come back apologizing for being a mess. This time he is determined to end it! He dis this once just to regret it later but he never learnt from it! I want him back because i agree he has this flaw of going blank after rough patches but i want to fix this. What do i do to make him come back? We were happy! He says he just wanna see me happy but when i say i was happy with u, not without you, NO REPLY!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): The relationship has run its course, and he is ready to start dating other people. He wants out.
If he's under twenty-five, like yourself; it's time you both move on and start enjoying single-life. You were living like two married-people. He's just ready to move on. Unfortunately; couples don't always reach that point at the same time.
He didn't give up easily. He had a head-start; and planned it out over time. The moment and opportunity presented itself; and he seized the opportunity to end it. He may miss you; but he was getting over you a little at a time starting sometime ago. He may have even met someone he is interested in.
I don't mean to hurt you with my bluntness. It just happens. It even happened to me last year. I didn't feel good about it; but I'm over it. So my outlook is great, and it doesn't carry the ill-effects it did when we first broke-up. I didn't feel like this around this time last year. It takes time to detach, get through the grief, then start recovering.
You may have a few trial-relationships that come and go.
Being young you really should date a few different personality types to find the type of guy you feel most compatible with. One guy is the "only guy" meant for you. Fate may have a few lined-up to prepare you first.
Some will last longer than others. Some people experience maybe one or two; before they meet the person who may become their husband or wife; or become another long-term relationship.
Sometimes, they may experience even more than that. You just have to come to terms with the fact that it's over with you, as far as he's concerned. Don't rack your brain trying to figure out his feelings. Focus on yourself. You know what you feel, and that's what's important right now.
You shouldn't allow him to torture with calls just to ease his conscience and loneliness. He isn't going to take you back, he's using you.
He knows you haven't quite gotten there; but he will have his moments. No contact will protect your feelings. You're tempted to leave a light on in the window; but he isn't going to come home. He's going through that phase when he second-guesses his decision, and he worries if you'll start dating someone before he gets you out of his system.
He may even try to get some sex, and then suddenly be unreachable.
You want to get through this and move on, you can't let him hold you emotional-hostage. Waiting for his calls. Then he goes silent for days and weeks; then a call out of nowhere. Don't give him that luxury, it's just a tease. Delete the messages and pretend he was abducted by aliens; and you'll never see or hear from him again.
You have to heal from your grief and loss. You can keep letting him pull you back, get his fill of you; then make you have to go through the misery of ignoring you again.
That is total bullsh*t. Fight to get over him. Take care of yourself. Do the things that make you happy, get closer to your friends and family. Fight the temptation to wait for his calls or to contact him. Distract yourself when you find your find your thoughts obsessing over him. I know everything that happens. Been there, and done that.
You have to play this by ear; because what I'm telling you now will not really reach you. Not until you see the pattern of contacting you, followed by the silent treatment. Or you'll call him, and cry and make him feel sorry for you; and you'll talk about how much you miss each other.
Guess what? Your pathetic tears isn't going to get him back. Little by little he has weaned himself off your apologies; and your old cycle of fight-and-make-up sessions. They don't work anymore. As you've come to discover. Which is why you submitted your post.
I do understand your feelings. More than you know. You'll feel worse before you start feeling any better. It takes effort. You will feel agony, miss him, your emotions will be on a roller-coaster.
He will call and tear your feelings apart; but he still will not comeback. You'll want to be "friends." That's just a plea for him to let you stay close, and be in his presence. It will kill you when he starts seeing other girls. So no friendship, until you feel 100% over him; and it doesn't matter what he does or who he's with.
You don't want to be friend-zoned. You want your boyfriend back. So don't settle for scraps.
Take care of yourself. It's about you now.
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