A
female
age
30-35,
*lyciaohtwo
writes:I'm 21 years old and during my year at school I became friends with an individual, I'll refer to him as Frank. When I met Frank, he was very quiet and in general his demeanor was quite insecure. He was very nice and we became good friends but I never thought of him in a relationship context. At that time, I was dating an individual who I was contemplating breaking up with for months. I was working out vigorously, eating well and bring meals to school and soon Frank started doing the same. He started working out and bringing his meals to school and when we would talk occasionally, he expressed a strong interest in me and said that I had also encouraged him to start exercising. His body changed and so did he, his confidence grew and he began talking to me more and more. After a few months of long talks and text message convos ranging from the likes of philosophy to Jersey Shore, he asked me out. We went to dinner and we shared a kiss. He was holding my hand the entire night (although he was a tad bit drunk) and he expressed a very strong interest in me, so strong that I was sure he was into me. He told our common friends that he liked me a lot and every time we talked I could see in his eyes that he enjoyed my company and he was a changed man from when I knew him at the beginning of the year.On our third date, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I told him that I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and felt like I needed a short sabbatical. He was very understanding and said that he himself had just finished his sabbatical and that at the beginning of the school year, he had just broken up with his girlfriend too. I came to figure out through common friends that his ex was unstable. She had cheated on him and left him for another man and he was crushed. This was 4 months ago. Prior to this he had also had a couple other bad experiences with his two previous girlfriends.I have never felt this level of attraction or chemistry to anyone before and he expressed that he has never felt this way about a person before (he said this before I did and I nodded in agreement lol). We shared a lot of laughs, finishing each other's sentences and he couldn't keep his hands off of me which made me even more passionate about him. He opened up to me about his somewhat difficult past and his family. I have dated ''bad boys'' in the past but this man is definitely a good guy at heart. We have not had sex or seen each other naked so we were taking things slow in that department..I wanted to wait despite the early attraction. He kept saying how happy he was with what he had and how much better his life had become after meeting me. When I saw him again, I said that I wanted to take him up on his offer of me being his girlfriend and that I would forgo my sabbatical because I liked him. I guess this sent him into a frenzy or something because all of a sudden he changed. I texted him a couple nights ago asking on a scale of 1-10 how much he missed me as a playful question and he replied back saying he was having weird feelings and doubts because his past relationship had really screwed with his head and he had come to lose faith in women. He said the doubt came from a place of fear and he has never before been hit so hard with these feelings and that he thinks it's a subconscious defense mechanism. He said that the chemistry he had with me was something he had never before experienced and that he wanted to work it out.We met today for lunch and he said that he thinks we can work through it but that he is confused and unsure about his feelings. And he said that he wanted to postpone sex so I wouldn't get hurt. This crushed me like a tonne of bricks because I think this man has provoked some strong feelings in me but I managed to hold it together. I told him that I respected and appreciated that he came to share this with me knew what I wanted and that I wanted him to know the same. So I suggested he take time out of the relationship to think. He agreed, much to my surprise of saying earlier that he thought we can work through it... and a few minutes later he said that he wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship. He said that he had not thought it through properly when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I appreciated his honesty but the pain wasn't any less and I care deeply for this man and he knows this. Maybe I shouldn't have made it so obvious how much I care about him, who knows. Pretty much a minute prior to that he said that after meeting me he had become a better man and I had helped him get the confidence he needed to ask me out. I am just so confused and hurt. I always think of myself as having strong intuition and spotting these things far in advance but this hit me like a truck. I was certain he really liked me. I hate coming up with excuses for myself, saying he's not ready for a relationship or he's jaded from his past relationships...when it's just that he's not into me? What is your take on this and how should I proceed? Do I continue talking to him or do I make myself totally unavailable so he can be on his own? The whole situation is really upsetting me and I wish I was stronger
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confidence, crush, drunk, his ex, insecure, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (1 April 2014):
As I prefer to follow up on my advice, I recommend to stop over thinking his feelings or yours from today. There is not much to be found. If you are interested in this guy, genuinely, then give him space and allow him to gather his composure and thoughts again. You can use the same time to get to know him more, support him and be there as you get to know him. I believe this choice is fair as he as done the same for you, and you do claim to have feelings for him. Strength is something which is only gained, not something which you wish upon a star for.
Or you can, as you said, move on and let him be. You don't have to make up excuses for him or yourself - No one is asking you to. You only need to accept what has happened and what is, which is a bigger part of life compared to relying on intuition.
Good luck and all the best.
A
female
reader, alyciaohtwo +, writes (1 April 2014):
alyciaohtwo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEric, your advice is very much appreciated, however we were not spending months of quality time together :( We are in the same school so I see him everyday, and during these past 8 months (with the exception of this past month where we've been spending time together) we spoke via text/online...but we NEVER met up outside of school and he did not ask me out until a few weeks after I ended my relationship (luck?). I was not leading him on and I honestly thought we were conversing as friends, there was no flirting involved. When he did ask me out however I realized what was happening and reciprocated his feelings as I realized I fancied him too. Just because I had contemplated breaking up with my ex for months doesn't mean I didn't need a sabbatical...in fact I think it means I needed one because I didn't know myself well enough to know what I wanted or needed from a relationship and I have always hopped from one man to another in order to avoid being alone. I was not trying to test him and I'm almost certain he knows this? But of course I could be wrong.
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A
female
reader, alyciaohtwo +, writes (31 March 2014):
alyciaohtwo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your replies...you guys have given me a lot to think about and reflect on, many thanks. You are all right, I believe it was a combination of me being fresh out of relationship and him not having dealt with his baggage yet. Who knows....maybe one day things will be different...but for now I will need to let him be and move on with my life. Many thanks...you guys are amazing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2014):
 He liked the fantasy of having you as his GF. In reality he knew you weren't datable yet.
You were FRESH out of a relationship and he was recently out of one. You went on dated with him, you kissed and help hands, he thought the two of you were a sure thing, and then YOU pull the... I can't date you, I need time. That was stringing him along.
So what happens in his mind? He thinks it's his fault. Something about him that make you not really want to date him. Then when HE pulls away - you go "full court" and want him after all. Now If I were him, I would assume that you are willing to "settle" for him til you can find greener grass.
When you come across a guy who suddenly isn't sure, then BACK AWAY. Otherwise you are going to end up trying to do anything to please him and MAKE him want you again.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (29 March 2014):
I can assume the initial rejection was probably a blow to him in a strange way as it reminded him of his past pains.
I think in his perspective, looking back, he has never changed so much because of someone else. I don't think there are any hidden agendas in his words. He is speaking very honestly and I am sure he doesn't know 100% his own situation. You don't have to dig deeper into his words, you can take them very literal. Give him some time and try to support as I am sure he has done this for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, alyciaohtwo +, writes (29 March 2014):
alyciaohtwo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Eric, many thanks for your advice and for reading my post. I like your suggestion about stepping back, I'll do that. Mainly for myself too because I need to distance myself from this guy and feel like I'm kind of degrading myself when I text-essay back and forth with someone who has told me he is confused. He says he was feeling so happy about us and he showed this through his behavior, he would text me to see how I was everyday and when he would look at me I could see it in his eyes. Then the doubt hit him when I agreed to being his girlfriend, or so he says.
I thought about what you said for a while and I appreciate that you wrote a thoughtful response. The only thing is that even if I'd agreed to be his girlfriend at that moment, I get the feeling it wouldn't have made much of a difference? He said that he hadn't really thought it through before asking me and that he had asked on an impulse, which felt like a knife going through my heart haha.
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