A
female
age
36-40,
*lancy
writes:Im really confused. I have what i thought was a good friend in Reno, we have known each other for two years or so, but have grown closer over the last couple of months (in a 'friends' way...)we both have partners.However, lately there has, if im not imagining it, since weve been closer, ie talking more deeply, seeing each other more - an increase of sexual tension.We watch movies to together, and sometime horseplay a little. So thats what happened the other day...we were watching a movie, horsing around..he wouldn't share his popcorn - i was grabbing for it - the usual way we josh around - when he suddenly wrestled me over his knee, and spanked me! Ok, not on my bare flesh, it was over leggins, but it wasn't playful...it was too hard, and it went on for too long, after i said 'stop, youre hurting me' After that, he was kind of panting.I didn't know HOW to react. It was unexpected. If it had been a playful spank, no problem...but he hurt me. I have some nasty looking bruises on my leg and butt.I don't know what to think. Was he just playing, and not realising how hard he was hitting? Was I irritating him, and it was genuine aggression?or did he feel aroused and was using it as an outlet for sexual tension?I feel kind of stupid for getting myself into that situation. He is slovakian, im british...his english is good, but alot of nuances get lost in the way we comunicate.I want to just forget it...i like the guy...but its nagging at me.any opinions would be gratefully accepted! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 March 2009):
 you're right - i felt like a repressed brit as well - but then i began to see that actually, it was ok - and can you believe it - this morning, when i refused to climb up some v precarious ladders to the top of a building site, my partner did EXACTLY what yr friend did to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! on the pretext of dusting off my jeans, he then said 'you are such a wimp not climbing up that ladder' and practically thrashed me!! and all the time i was sort of yowling but also laughing because i was thinking of what happened to you, and how we just aren't accustomed to people doing that to us!!
it really smarted, too. BUT, i can't honestly say i am any the worse for it, and it was probably a much better way to resolve the me-being-a-wimp thing, as it left us both laughing. Better than him being annoyed with me all day, for example.
Maybe better out than in! Better to be un-repressed!
As for what an education it is to have sex with an un-repressed person - well, all i can say is that it has completely revised my view of sex and myself! So it's not all bad ... forgive yr friend, but always make sure he knows there is a line he can't cross. Just maybe consider revising yr lines.
A
female
reader, clancy +, writes (12 March 2009):
clancy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAh, thanks Natasia, that explains alot, and is a big relief to me, to put it down to a culture clash. As i said this has been on mind alot...perhaps im just a repressed brit, that kind of rough physical play just left me non plussed for awhile.
He show every other sign of being a nice thoughtful guy...i shall let it go this time.
Thank you for putting my mind at rest.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (12 March 2009):
I think that if he was giggling and saying 'you deserved it', then obviously for him it wasn't a big deal.
My partner is Polish, and he is also into rough and tumble type physical stuff. If his brother is around, he is always getting into playfights with him. They are like big puppies. And they come out with very definite bruises, scratches, everything! The game stops when his brother (who is smaller) gets really annoyed and genuinely isn't having fun, and then my partner (still giggling) stops. I have seen it where his brother has like a big scratch - bleeding!! - on his face!! But two minutes later they have forgotten about it.
And ... this is the relevant bit ... when his brother went back to Poland for a while, he started doing it with ME instead!! Not in a nasty way, but it felt pretty full-on, because we just aren't used to anyone doing that kind of thing, I think. It feels like they are over-stepping a boundary, and it is almost astonishing (to us) that they could think it fun to do something that actually HURTS. !
OK. This is what I think:
play fighting is a common phenomenon among male animals
as they get older they do it less, but they still do it
guys more in touch with their physical selves (which I SERIOUSLY believe Poles are, so maybe Slovaks too) - more in touch because they've had a different upbringing, where they were encouraged to 'be boys' much more than in our culture - keep play fighting when they are adults
there IS something vaguely intimate about it, too, but to them it is just the reality of physical contact, I think.
I was shocked, but now I'm beginning to get the hang of it. And anyhow, his bro has come back so no more mock jackie-chan encounters in the kitchen for me at the moment!
Thinking about it all sensibly, I think you should put your friend's behaviour down to this - it seems v inappropriate to us, but I don't think he meant much by it - I think it probably means he views you as a v close friend, if that makes any sense. I wouldn't make any more of it.
But if he does it again, scratch him! (i always find that works!!!!!)
No, seriously ... if he tries anything similar again, just get v cross v quickly and say you DON'T like it. You need him to understand this, but you will have to be quite physical/strong to get that across, otherwise he will just think it is part of the game. Watch little puppies or lion cubs play fighting. It's the same behaviour.
Hope that has helped ...
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A
female
reader, clancy +, writes (12 March 2009):
clancy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI daren't tell my partner. He also knows and really likes Reno, he would be absolutely mortified if he knew what happened - I fear there could be a nasty scene.it would definatley be the end of our friendship.
I really don't want to lose him as a friend,he is fun to hang out with, and never acted like this before.
I tried to be serious with him, later that evening, telling him i was unhappy about it, but but wouldn't stopping giggling, saying 'you deserved it". Its hard to be serious with Reno.his english is very basic, and as i said before he misses alot of the nuances of the conversation.
But im planning to met up with him to try and discuss it. This is an awful thing to say, and I really apologise to any slovakians out there...but do you guys think that this kind of thing is more normal in their culture? I feel guilty even thinking that, but it is going thru my head so...thanks for all your answers, i appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 Odd thing to do. First of you need to tell him that stuff is NOT ok. That he actually physically HURT you. LEFT you with bruises. WTF?
What does your partner say?
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (11 March 2009):
it sounds totally bizarre to me!!!!
i think it's difficult to forget. especially if you have bruises. having said that, it could just be the kind of physical horseplay he is used to. he may not have meant anything by it.
i think your choices are:
a. Talk to him about it. Ask him why he carried on and why he hit so hard that you have bruises (you could introduce it in a jokey way) (kind of). See what he says.
b. Ignore it.
c. Distance yourself from him because it was too weird.
I would go for a, because I'd be so curious as to what was going on. Ask him. And tell us what he said!!
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (11 March 2009):
 Take some time to be away from him for a while. Explain to him that maybe there was a misunderstanding, but that you were really offended and confused by what he did to you.
Explain to him that he really physically hurt you, and that you would prefer not to be alone with him, and that he also disrespected the fact that you have a partner.
I would back off of him for a while and let things cool down. Also, it might seem scary, but talk to you partner about this and see what their opinion is. They do have a right to know if anything is upsetting you in your life.
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