A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I honestly can't believe I am writing this, but I am so confused right now and hurting. I have always managed to attract the wrong sort of men- mostly very self assured, arrogant guys who have always ended up hurting me and using me. I met a guy on the internet at the end of last year and we got on like a house on fire- we started seeing each other initially as friends, which was my choice, and I continued to talk to and date other men. He is the opposite to my normal disaterous men, he is kind, respectful, honest- pretty perfect really. The initial problem was that I didn't feel any kind of spark or excitement when we were together and I was unsure whether this meant that we were not right for each other. Over a couple of months he was very keen for us to get together, he came off the site straight away, but I was very honest about the other men I was dating and how I felt about being friends. He sent me flowers, texts about how he couldn't wait for us to be together... during this time my feelings started to change and I was slowly falling for him- like I never have with anyone in the past. Since he said he felt the same we started seeing each other exclusively a couple of weeks ago. That is when the trouble started. within the space of the time he started having big problems with his job and was told by the friend he lives with he needed to move out for various reasons. On the back of this he told me that he didn't want to see me in a relationship sense anymore, but that he cared about me and wanted to go back to the friends thing until he sorted his life out (he has been majorly hurt by the other stuff). He says he cares for me, wants me in his life, is attracted to me, but he thinks there is something missing (he has had a few medium term relationships in the past). He says it is unfair of him to keep me hanging on and that he is not sure he can ever see this developing into a relationship, but misses me when we are not together and wants to be friends- btw him staying friends has nothing to do with the physical relationship as this was in its early days. He calls me practically every day, which I am finding really tough... I think for the first time in my life I have fallen in love with someone for the right reasons. Why did he change his mind so quickly, when it was him upto 2-3 weeks ago wanting a relationship? I just need some mind straightening advice... thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all of your advice- I spoke to him last night after a pretty hellish 24hours and told him that while I cared for him deeply, I couldn't be friends with him at this moment- he was gutted and asked me whether he could keep in touch. I told him no for the time being- I am not sure either of us are in any position to provide friendship to each other at this moment in time. He was very upset but accepted my decision. He told me he was in a bad place in his head at the moment and that was really painful for me. He also told me that I am the only one of his friends he has spoken to about the situation... I may just be being overly optimistic, but I am not sure he knows what he wants at all. Will leave it like this for the time and see what happens....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009): Hi. This may NOT be the case but just thought i should let you know what happened to me. Last year i found my husband listed on an internet dating site by pure fluke,he hadnt logged off properly when i took over the computer.On leaving a few messages to some of the ladies to contact me on my mobile a couple did.Guess what, when the realationship started to get warm he said exactly what your guy has just said.Obviously my husband wasnt single,lied about living with a friend,just in case a lady wanted to come to the house etc.Had to back off from romance to friendship because he was never intending to leave home.Its strange as he did exactly what your guy is doing,calling several times a day,sending flowers. Yours may not be the same but all i am saying is be careful when using the net,sometimes it isnt as it appears. Good Luck.
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