A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my BF for over 4 years. he always had the stand that he didn't get into porn and it didn't do anything for him. I was open to it, I had my own collection. I tried to introduce it into our relationship at one point and he couldn't "keep it up" so i turned it off. so after a couple years, I decided I didn't need porn in my life either. He didn't use it. I didn't use it. so i got rid of my stash. I started to suspect he was using porn for some reason over a year ago, but he denied it and I couldn't find proof. but i found proof recently and he admitted it finally. He said he was ashamed of it, but can't tell me how often he watches it, what kind, etc. he gets mad when I bring it up. he just says he won't watch it anymore, he doesn't need it. why would he lie about this for 2 years when he knew I used it and was open to it? I feel manipulated, like he just didn't want me to use it because he was jealous that I might be like him. He didn't like me watching other men. If he had a healthy view point of porn usage why would he lie? It makes me wonder if there is something more to it than just normal porn use. if it was important enough to keep doing and lie about, it must be pretty bad is how I am seeing it. And can I really buy the I am not going to watch it anymore because I don't need it thing? I just feel like I don't know who he is sexually anymore. It has affected my sex life with him because I thought I knew him sexually. Now I find out he has hidden this part of himself from me, and I wonder what else he hides sexually about himself. by the way, he cheated on me a couple years ago, so I guess I am seeing a man that has bigger issues than I first realized. any insight or advice on this? we are both in our 30's.
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female
reader, jammy123  +, writes (2 March 2011):
Hey there, I had the exact same problem as you, literally last week. I have been really open about him watching porn and if he feels the need to do it, just tell me and we can even watch it together. I've maintained that stance throughout our relationship. However, I had this 'feeling' it was still going on - so I kept asking him, only to get the same answer, of course I don't, you're all I need, bla bla. I insisted that I don't have a problem with it and that it doesn't threaten me or my security. I just couldn't drop it last week so I pretended i'd installed a key logger on his computer and knew all about him watching porn. He then FINALLY gave in and told me he did it when we'd gone through a rough patch at the start of the year. I was majorly pissed because I don't watch it and I know he'd hate the idea of me getting off on another guy. But somehow or other he can lie about it, even though I've been so open about it and accepting?! Needless to say I don't trust him over the issue anymore. Perhaps you should tell him this has really shaken your faith and trust in him as a person - you don't mind him watching porn, in fact you'd like to do it together, but what you can't accept is the lying. Tell him how you've been so open and up front abuot your own sexuality with him and how it's unfair that he's holding out on you like this. To be quite honest, most men would love to be with a woman as open as you about porn, and having your own stash. So why he's made such an issue over it is really bemusing. Perhaps he gets a thrill out of knowing it's a secret? It could be a fantasy of his, especially if he's cheated on you. If I were you, I'd be issuing some ultimatums, because you've put up with the heart ache of someone cheating on you, and now he's lying to you. So, essentially, he's a cheat and a liar. If I were you I'd be withdrawing sex from him until he can be totally open with you, and maybe even suggest therapy. You're both adults and you've acted responsibly, being open and honest and he's keeping the skeletons in the closet. Totally not ok! Good luck! And perhaps....if you have this whole discussion and still feel suspicious, install a key logger? I know it's an invasion of privacy and not ok, but neither is lying to your face for years and cheating on you!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 You are open about porn, is he?
Just because he watches it doesn't have to mean that he is comfortable with it. Plenty of people do stuff they hate themselves for doing it but do it anyway.
And it isn't uncommon for guys to watch porn but get upset if a girl does it because it doesn't fit with their vision of the world.
There could be many reasons before you need to go for the "weird" porn stuff.
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