A
female
age
36-40,
*ruthplease
writes:I don't mean to be angry/bitter but I was dating this guy for four months, the first two months we were not doing anything physical we would just hang out, go to the movies, have fun then after the second month we slept together, after we slept together I had the talk with him about a relationship and that I can't be just friends with benefits with him, because I have already had my fun in the past and that's not what I'm looking for right now. He told me that he does not want a relationship right now because he is at a point in his life right now where he is working on himself and his new job is very stressful (he is 28) and he does not think it would be fair to me if we were in a relationship because he would not have time and he doesn't want to be an asshole to me. We had this conversation over the phone and decided just to meet up the next day to talk in person. I cried a little that night since I had slept with him and prior to sleeping with him thought things were going somewhere, but then the next day I got over it and decided that I had made a mistake and had to live up to it so I went over to his place for the talk and told him that I thought about what he said last night on the phone and it was fine and that we obviously don't have anything between us like he had pointed out on the phone and that we probably can't be friends anymore because we have slept together which makes things awkward. And that if he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, but wants someone else to go ahead and do that. His facial expression and tune changed all of a sudden and said "no you didn't listen to what I was saying last night and you are twisting my words" and that he cares about me and we have good chemistry together and he doesn't want to lose me. And that it's not that he wants to be with anyone else, the only reason he can't offer me a relationship is because of time and that he travels for work so he will be gone a lot of weekends. But he doesn't want what we have to end and that if it does he will be really sad. I told him again that friends with benefits is not going to work for me because I will develop emotions when we have sex and he proceeded to tell me "what do you think of me, do you think I won't develop emotions for you? I want you to have emotions when we have sex, I do too" So then I started to believe him (stupid I know) but he sounded genuine and not like a player. So we decided to see where things go and I thought it was made clear that we weren't friends with benefits and that there were going to be emotions involved here. That night I didn't sleep with him as much as he wanted too. The next time we saw each other was two weeks later (he was out of town) and we did sleep together and he played me a romantic song and was super sweet with me making me feel like this was going somewhere finally. After that night I only heard from him through text message for two weeks, which was odd because he usually calls. I did notice that a couple days after that night he became friends with this new girl on facebook, with semi flirting going on between them in comments. Then after two weeks he calls me and leaves a message to go out over the weekend on a Tuesday and says he missed me and it would be really nice to see me and that he just wants to spend time with me so we can do anything I want, I call him back the next day since I was busy and leave a message for him, he doesn't respond at all the weekend came and I was so confused because he had said "let's go out this weekend" in his voicemail. So I send him a text on Saturday asking if he got my voice message, and he texts me back saying "yes, sorry! my family is visiting me :)" I decided not to question him or say anything, all I said was "ok nice, have fun :)" I was so confused why he called me and asked me to hang out over the weekend if he was never going to return my call. That's it that is our last communication ever. Now three weeks later I saw that he put on Facebook, IN A RELATIONSHIP, with that same girl he became friends with three weeks ago and was tagged in a bunch of pictures with her (everyone was congratulating him, family and friends). I was so confused, I know he never said him and I were in an actual relationship, but he did say he wanted to see where things go and that he didn't want to be with anyone else. Why string me along, why did he try to keep me around? I was never anything but nice to him, if he needed anything I was there for him, he was new in town and I showed him around, his car got totaled and I took care of him. I just don't understand why he couldn't have that mutual respect for me and instead of leading me on and lying to me and not letting me go when I told him we should just end things since we aren't after the same thing! He just disappeared no more calls or texts and he knows we are Facebook friends so posting it on there that he is now in a relationship, he knows I have seen it. At least our of respect for our friendship he could have told me something instead of disappearing, now i just know I was just a toy for him and all the things he said about feelings were just a lie. What I am having a really hard time understanding is why did he have to not tell me the truth when I told him I'm fine with not being with him and ending things. It's obvious now that he is in a relationship with a girl he met only a few weeks back that he did want a relationship, why would he tell me that he doesn't want to lose me before and then do this? Also I have a binder of his CDs and a couple of his things still, but I don't want to talk to him so what should I do about his stuff? If we ever talk again it will be super awkward! Also what should I do if I run into him, I go to the town he lives in to hang out with friends often...advice please :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): Well keep the cd's! The reason he strung you along and misled you is for the plain fact that he wanted sex. That's all it came down to. He didn't want to lose the sex supply he already had you down for. Your mistake was sleeping with him without FIRST establishing a relationship. You should have had that talk with him before having sex. Not only that but you should let guys bring it up first. If you are dating a guy and he is not talking about taking things seriously, it's probably because he is not serious about you. So you had plenty of clues pointing to him not being serious about you. You live and learn. If you run into him make sure you look gorgeous, act like you could care less that he is with someone else, don't bring up the past, give him a warm and friendly hello, and then go about your night with your friends laughing and having fun, and act like he is not even there. Oh and don't act like a slut or anything or hang all over guys to try to make him jealous. Just be graceful and demure and lots of fun.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 June 2013):
 One more thing -- BLOCK him off of your Facebook and delete him from your friends list.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 June 2013):
I hope you've learned your lesson on this major point..
You said:
"then after the second month we slept together, after we slept together I had the talk with him about a relationship and that I can't be just friends with benefits with him,"
You have the talk BEFORE you sleep together, not after.
Also, friends with benefits does NOT lead to a relationship. That was your second mistake here -- after he gave you the whole "I don't want a relationship" thing, you still bought his sweet talk and continued to sleep with him without being in a relationship.
This one you chalk up to a mistake, if you know his address, chuck his CD's into an envelope and send them to him or drop them off at his door if you're sure he's NOT there, and wash your hands of him. Don't go bumping into him in town like I know you'll be tempted to do.
Remember, relationship BEFORE sex, not sex hoping it leads TO a relationship. You made the mistake twice in this case, and hopefully you're the wiser.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (21 June 2013):
 Honey, dont dwell on why, he is simply an ass that was playing the field.
I would throw his things in the garbage , where he actually belongs and let this go.
UNfortunately put this down to bad experience and someone that is not worth losing time or tears over.
Move on, you deserve better not scumb of the earth.
Also cease all contact, defriend him on FB and block his calls and messages, its time to heal and to move on to greener pasteurs.
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