A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Am visiting family interstate for 2 days,staying overnight then leaving.Staying with my parents and will visit my younger sister and her family also, as they live in the same town.I have to stay with parents as sister has 2 kids (17 and 8, boys,) And no room for me too stay. I’d never ask to stay anyhow, due to this.I cannot on hotel due to budget and or fear of highly offending my parents!! They’d think i was being antisocial.I’m single, quieter,gay female, the odd one out. They know nothing of my life as it’s not like their perfect family life.I see them 1-2 times a Year, enjoy seeing them but hate the analysisAnd condescending tones that go with it.Problem is my mother is highly critical and analyses me and my flaws.. example:She’ll Comment on every my every wrinkle or gray hair On how badly I’m dressed and how I “should “ dressHow pale I lookHow my make up or skin ages me, this is a favorite...How my haircut looks badHow I look too fat or too thin or too tiredHow I’m too quiet Or too chatty etc etcThen She’ll relay this to my younger sister, who’ll be nice but slightlyCondescending,softly aloof.. and too busy watching her active 8 yr old son to have a conversation more than 10 minutes.Then she’ll tell me when I leave how she never see me and how i should visit more. She’ll never text or call me though, and won’t like or comment my social media, or mention me on social media, lol she does my bro and Sis in law.How can I deal with this? Want to see them. It don’t want theanalysis and “ contatructive” criticism.My mother say she “me as well” and it’s for my “ own good” Why can’t they leave me alone and enjoy my visit? I never see them and all they do i pick at me.. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2017): Hey...um...it seems you're equally-critical of your family.
All your/our loved-ones have their quirks. Moms are moms. They always notice things about us, and aren't really trying to hurt our feelings. Your mom is being the fussy critical mother so many people can relate to. As for your being gay? They know! You're not married, never have a boyfriend, and they know you're hiding something. Thus the condescension!
I think you should take it all in stride and with good humor. Fire-back (respectfully) a few shots when you're being criticized or teased. Stop being so sensitive!
You don't see your family that often; so the least you could do is put-up with their usual quirks and idiosyncrasies.
Your mother doesn't text or acknowledge you on FB; but you haven't shared with her who you really are either! Not that she doesn't already know; but because you live your life so distant, secretly, and basically unattached. Now you're writing a post about what families around the world typically do. It's how you take it that gives it any power over your feelings.
You're approaching 50, which means your parents are in their 70's or older. That doesn't give you a lot of time left to savor their presence on this earth; and to nurture or demonstrate your affection for them. Stay endeared and loving towards them all. They're all you have!
Love them and cherish them, in spite of mom's old-school mothering and picking on you. They really love you regardless of it all!
I wish you a very prosperous and Happy New Year!
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (29 December 2017):
 Tell your mother you love her but all her criticisms make you feel like you don't want to visit.
I was going to suggest you could respond to your sister with a "why don't you visit ME more often" but I think Honeypie is right, and you need to tell her what you have told us.
I know what its like to be different to family members, I get called "different" by one of my brothers, sometimes its said sarcastically, in groups of people, and sometimes he says it in a wondering sort of way ....
Talk to your family, we're here if you need us
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A
female
reader, holeymoley +, writes (29 December 2017):
 People only get away with what you let them get away with. No body wants to listen to that crap, hardly welcoming is it! Anything negative Id respond with positive:
Im tired mum, because Im having fun living my life
You can never have enough wrinkles from smiling mum
I dress to suit myself, not others
Age, ages me mum, just like it does you but to me your still beautiful
Or get up and go to the fridge /cupboard and ask if there is anything positive in there to drink/eat?????
That kind of thing
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (29 December 2017):
As an adult the only leverage you have with parents is you; your presence and your involvement with them. So tell your mother how you feel about he constant criticism. And also tell her that if she doesn’t knock it off she’ll be seeing a lot less of you and mean it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 December 2017):
 I think you should tell you mom and sister, EXACTLY what you told us. How all this criticism makes you feel and how it makes you NOT want to visit because you know they are going to pick to you to pieces.
BE honest. Give them something to consider.
If my family did this I would not really look forward to visits either. No matter how much I love them.
How do you react when you get all this loaded on you? Do you defend yourself or just suck it up?
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