A
female
age
41-50,
*legria
writes:My husband and I have lived apart for four years, but I am on the point of moving house long distance to be with him again. The problem is that I have gotten to know a man I work with and, quite embarrassingly, I think about him all the time. I have kids and he is a single Dad whose kids see mine socially. He is kind and makes me feel happy to be myself. My husband is a nice man, attractive, and a decent father, and is somewhat controlling and often makes me feel not good enough.Before I had experienced this I would have advised that I do what I need to do to get away from my new friend and coworker to clear my head and keep my priorities straight. Now I find that I'm using my job, and his kids' feelings as excuses for our two families to get together, and for me not to rock the boat. I'm also spending many nights lying awake and trying to find an excuse to not make this big move to be back with my husband, thus losing my life here, and gaining the stress of working on building a new one, and the stress of working on our relationship again.
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female
reader, Alegria +, writes (8 October 2007):
Alegria is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your replies.
Naturally I've been thinking about this a lot.
Shi and Danielepew both made a good point that I've laid as a groundrule for keeping my self-respect. Whether or not it's possible or likely for me to have a relationship with my co-worker isn't something that I'm trying to discover or think about. It's VERY possible that I'm just tuning into local available males, but that's what's making me face the problems with my marriage.
Danielpew is right, I think, that I don't love my husband anymore. In a way. I find it easy to love people, as I'm pretty easygoing and I do love him, I just don't want to be married to him. When I'm with him I always feel as though he sees me as the "glass half empty". That's the big problem, I guess... and one reason why I have struggled with poor mental health during the years. I generally stew about how I don't want to go live in another country, and on the circumstances that seemed to force me into it.
The reason we have been apart for so long can sometimes seem like a string of bad co-incidences... in my more optimistic moments. We lived overseas, and one day came to the mutual decision to move back home. Shortly afterward (before we could actually do it) my father died and I made the decision to move back with my children almost straight away so that we could be with family during that time. My husband's plan was to continue to work there for a number of months, and then come to join us. During that year I saw him for 2 months out of 12, and enjoyed it so little that I gave him his shape up or ship out notice... and it seemed that he did shape up. He seemed to come to value me more and disrespect me less. Over the next two years he procrastinated giving his job up over and over, until he stated his intention to move back in January of this year. Last October, however, he again proclaimed a delay - his company had offered him a bonus etc etc. This time for 18months to 2 years. You can imagine how much I believed that.
I had hysterics for a few weeks while I tried to figure out what best to do. It seemed I had no good choices - my happiness was destined to be a non-event. So, I decided to move the family over there and give him another go. We have four children, and I thought a whole family would be worth the effort if we could be happy. We applied for visas... and are still waiting. I have seen him for no more than a total of 33 days this year, and three of those days were when he came to pick up our two sons and take them back with him. They don't need to wait for visas as they are citizens. Since I was working on the plan of us being together again that seemed like a good thing to do - let them get to know him, start the school year with other kids their ages, and give me some extra time to organise the move. Of course, now it makes my decision more complicated.
Uncle Phil, how can one measure long term stress?
What if we COULD be happy together given the effort?
What if I sacrifice my mental and emotional health in doing this, and it doesn't work anyway?
Once I thought I might be able to, but now I think I could never stay there if we broke up later on, and I want to cause my kids as little stress as possible if we ARE to break up.
How can I best choose for the happiness of us all?
My children mean everything to me and perhaps unwisely I'm inclined to put them first.
A
female
reader, shi  +, writes (3 October 2007):
You should really take the time to think about this, the co-worker might just be something you think you want because you see him at work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): Whichever option is the less stressful in the long term - that's the choice I would make.
Phil
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 October 2007):
 You don't say why you've been away from your husband these four years, and the reason could be important to give you advice. But, I will try to give you the best advice I can.
It seems to me that you don't love your husband anymore and don't really want a relationship with him. That is what your description of a relationship with him is suggestive of. And, you're complaining about losing your life, the stress of building a new life, and "the stress of working on our relationship again".
It is also very clear that you fancy this coworker.
Take your time to think things through. If your relationship with your husband isn't working anymore, then put an end to it before you get involved with anyone else. Not only is this easier, it's the honest thing to do for your husband, for this man, and for yourself.
Then, if you find that your relationship with your husband isn't worth saving, see whether a relationship with this new guy would work. Does he fancy you, too? Are there any real chances you could be in a relationship with him?
And, if you think he fancies you too and you can work something out, then, do.
Take care.
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