A
female
age
51-59,
*exasCatMom
writes:My husband and I had to live apart last year after he lost his job. He admits to having girlfriends while he was away. Now he is always reading twitter on his Ipad, and when I asked if could see what he was laughing about, he went ballistic. He admitted the twitter feed was from a girl he knew, then he yelled and said: "that's it, I'm moving out..." He says that he objected to my nosiness and the fact I didn't want to give him privacy...I feel that if there wasn't anything to feel guilty about, what would be the big deal if I saw the screen?I guess I don't believe him when he says he stopped seeing these other women, and things lke this don't make it easier for me to believe him. He knows all my passwords, all of my accounts, but now I know nothing of his. It's all a big secretWhat is your verdit?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (28 November 2012):
Yes, sorry for your situation, and since your last update it definitely sounds like your husband has been hit with a serious mid life crisis. We all have to deal with it, or at least get over it. His time "alone" probably reminded him of the fun hes lost and he could wish somehow to get back there. It usually brings on a serious depression. There is a point where you have to look out for yourself but you could try getting him to go away for a weekend, or just an evening, it might help him remember how much you had together and give you a chance to talk and find some happy ground. If you have debts then try and work a way to escape them, try and remove stress. Maybe he has erection problems which he wont talk about? I have been through all these battles and my wife made us get healthy, loose weight, and enjoy life again. Maybe it works for you. Avoid conflict and hurtful comments even if he throws them at you. Better to cry than throw things at him. Good luck.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 November 2012):
 Please accept my sympathy for your situation.
It certainly sounds like you have bigger problems than not being able to see his computer screen.
Your husband has definitely checked out of the marriage and to me, I think he is trying to gather the courage to say it's over. If you aren't having sex, he is hiding things, and isn't interacting with you, my bet is that he has something on the side -- probably one of the younger women he was hanging with while you were out of town. Some men, once they get a taste of single life, have a hard time going back to being committed and married again.
I would highly recommend that you at least prepare for the eventuality of divorce. Stash some money away, be sure you are employable, etc. I would also highly encourage you to see a therapist as well to talk over what you are going through. I think a professional will be able to give you advice and encouragement. If your husband is willing, bring him into the office to get help as well.
Sadly, the writing is on the wall and unless your husband magically turns around, I see sort of a grim future for you. Again, take care of yourself and seek help so you aren't caught flatfooted.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, TexasCatMom +, writes (23 November 2012):
TexasCatMom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again for your insights! Its very helpful
Yes, he did find work nearby, but he has been so distant. We can have good times together (I think anyway) but one thing goes wrong and he blows up and says "see! This isn't working"
It's like he want there to be a blow up so he can give up on it.
He is barely trying to be nice, never says he loves me, never says I look nice, but is very quick to get angry.
If I bring this up, then he says "THIS ISN'T HELPNG THINGS...ALL YOU'RE DONG NOW IS PISSING ME OFF", as if he is some kind of ruler who must be appeased
and he has no interest in sex :(
I have no family, my parents are both dead, and he was my family. We have been married for 20 years, but he didn't want to celebrate our anniversay this August, because he said most marriages don't make it that far and besides, it makes him feel old (he was hanging around with 30 year olds whle in NY and he wouldn't tell them he was married, because he didn't want to seem old)
feeling kinda hopeless
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (23 November 2012):
I feel for your situation. I have lost 2 jobs in the last 5 years and need to travel 3 hours every monday and friday and spend thr week in a wierd lonely limbo with no way out. Has your husband found work so you are together now? if so then I am sure he is happy to be with you but at the same time he made new friends and doesnt want to shut them out. Slowly they will realise he is gone and he will have less and less communication from them. His pride probably wants to show you he has new friends and can make it on his own. Inside he may be a bit angry that he had to do that for you and maybe you didnt say thankyou clearly enough. And just possibly his life whilst working made him feel young and alive again and he now has a dilemma coming to terms with his real life. But in any case making a relationship work needs a lot of communication and particularly in your situation you, as a couple, need to make a concerted effort to reaffirm your relationship by doing nice things together and making plans for nice things, oh yes, and lots of sex.
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female
reader, TexasCatMom +, writes (21 November 2012):
TexasCatMom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the men answering this question:
Thank you...this is what I need to understand. I'm willing to cut him slack because he has lost 3 jobs in 5 years and it has been hard on his ego. He also is someone who needs company, and unfortunately while away he was hanging with his rabidly single college room mate who hates marriate...
The question is indeed this: can he get used to being back in "the saddle" of marriage again, or is he too used to single life now.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (21 November 2012):
Your husband gets used to being single and clearly doesnt revert very well to being the husband you had. But cut him some slack, his life probably feels like shit. Its bad enough to lose your job, but then to give up your lifestyle to be an oilrigger just to earn money. dont be surprised if he jumps at any company male or female whilst he is alone. What he is doing cant ladt, you need to make a plan for how you are going to be together long yrtm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): Great Advice from SVC! I wish I had have thought of that (in my own relationship) Do that and see how he likes it!
Stay strong honey you hold all the cards in your hands do not let this guy get you down hold your head high and get out there and live your life, don't even take him into consideration!
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female
reader, TexasCatMom +, writes (20 November 2012):
TexasCatMom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCat mom hereTHANK you so much for your replies, I truly appreciate the thought you put into your answersI don't want to talk to too many of our friends about this, because I don't want to paint him out to be the bad guy, esp if they think we are trying to work things out.In response to one of your questions, our separation was a forced one because of economic necessity. Ironcally, it was me who found him the job up in NYC, with very good pay. Now I'm the bad guy who can do nothing rightAfter I helped him find a sublet in someone else's apartment, I went to a little place we had in the country, so we wouldn't be wasting every dime on NYC area rent.He knew I was alone up there, so no, there was no permission given to roam. Just a month ago he told me he had started something with a woman at work, which I forced out of him after finding a woman's scarf in the passenger seat of his car (after he claimed he was working late agan...). That was a month ago, and he said he's cut it all off....but the incident with the Ipad and screaming at that he's moving out happened just 2 weeks agoWhy does this crap always have to happen around the holidays :(
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 November 2012):
 ah so he had an affair while you were separated without permission...and he came home changed and his behavior made you (rightfully so) suspect something.
sounds to me sadly like he wants out of the marriage now.
and he wants YOU to do the dirty work. My last husband did that.
only you can decide if you want to give him what he wants....
personally, I"m a bitch. I'd be sweet as pie... I'd get busy on my own... go out every night (with girlfriends) and NOT tell him what's going on.
explain to him that since he feels the need to lead a life that you are not privy to, you will do the same.
and move into the spare room...
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female
reader, TexasCatMom +, writes (20 November 2012):
TexasCatMom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo: Lonely two
He lost his job quite suddenly last sprng, and I found hm a contract job up in NYC, but given the cost of rent there, we decided it would be best if he went solo. He rented a small bed in someone else's apartment, and I went to stay at a small farm we had up in Canada, where could take the pets and my costs of living would be low.
He called it "oil rigging" , like goes who go work on an oil rig in order to make money they can't make close to home
but when he got back n January, I could do nothing right, hs temper was very short, but at first he died having affairs
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 November 2012):
"he admits to having girlfriends while he was away."
did he admit to this after he got home or while away?
why did he admit to it? did he get caught?
the problem is dear that he still has these girlfriends... you have every right not to believe him. why did he feel that it was ok to have gfs while he was away from you?
secrets and lies in a relationship are poison to the relationship...
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female
reader, Staceily +, writes (20 November 2012):
 The verdict: He's still cheating. People who get defensive and angry when you try to see something they are doing are getting defensive for a reason. As you said, if it was nothing then why would he care? Cheaters try to throw blame off of themselves by making it about you- Why are you invading my privacy?? This was all a blow up on purpose, he has likely been wanting to move out and this gave him the excuse. It was a win win for him, either he leaves or you beg forgiveness and from now on stay off his back when he's online. Though I am also curious, why was he allowed to get away with having girlfriends when he was away? Maybe you need to stand up for yourself and decide what to do with a cheater in your marriage.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): he doesn't want you to see his screen because he knows you'll be upset at what you find which means he's doing things that are upsetting to you. Hmm, I wonder what that would be?? I think you know the answer and the only thing left to do is to decide for yourself if you're going allow yourself to live like this indefinitely. the change has to come from you cos he's just going to keep on doing what he's doing.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (20 November 2012):
Wow, you let your husband have girlfriends while he was out on his own? Where did that deal come from?
It sounds like you busted your husband and he is more than likely carrying on with some of his old flames. The fact that he reacted so violently indicates to me that he is frustrated living a double life and was looking for a reason to move out.
I do agree that couples need to be open with what they do online. There are so many ways to cheat these days: twitter, facebook, online dating, etc. Cyberspace is like a virtual world for real and make believe hookups.
It'll be interesting to see what your husband does now that he's told you his intentions. However, more importantly, is why you let yourself be played as 2nd fiddle to his dalliances, especially given his history.
Eddie
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): I think you know the answer to your question. If he'd had nothing to hide, he would of shown you. So why do you want to stay with a cheater? Next time he yells he's moving out, I'd help him pack.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2012): I feel for you, your husband is lying to you and he is hiding things. He is not to be trusted. And it is heartbreaking and devistating to know the man you love the man you committed your life to could do this. If this was me (I have been through a simallar thing with my husband, I tried to make it work for 10 years with him, only for him to never really change) I would end the marriage (again a very hard thing to do when you beleive that your marrigae is a sacarte thing, to him though it is a joke and he does not care that he has hurt you, though he will tell you he does and he is so sorry.)Unless he gives you open access to prove to you he is sorry, that he keeps no secrets, hides nothing from you, I would say it is over and he is not worth your time.Good luck honey xx
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