A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for almost three years now. We've never been "official" because he always had a girlfriend/fiance. I didn't find out about her until about a year or so into our relationship, and by then I was too emotionally involved to leave. A couple weeks ago, I was spending the night at his place and I ended up finding an envelope from the court house with a marriage license inside. I was so hurt, I flipped out and asked him why he hadn't told me, and he said he didn't think that it was important enough to tell me because they didn't have a date set at the time. Last week, he started acting really weird and asked me how I felt about him getting married. Turns out they're getting married a few days from now. He's put me through so much since I've known him, sometimes I ask myself why I'm still around. I should've left a long time ago, but I didn't. Honestly, I feel like a total idiot for it, but I can't change the past. After he told me they finally set a date, he was pretty much begging and pleading for me not to leave. He kept talking about how he felt so guilty for everything he put me through, how great of a woman I am and how much he loves me and that he still wants me to be around, etc. He also said that I was more like a girlfriend to him than she ever was, and that he talked to me more in the little time that's he's known me than he ever did her. Most of what he's saying is total BS to me, because if that was true, it'd be me he was marrying and not her. Granted, I don't even want to be in a relationship with him at this point because of everything he's put me through, I know I deserve so much better and he's not worth it anymore. But my problem is, I can never leave. Even now, knowing that he'll be married in three days, I can't find the strength to walk away and it kills me. He texts me everyday, and I always answer. I spent the night with him a few days ago, but I know that'll never happen again considering they'll be living together so I'm safe there. He's constantly telling me that he loves me and misses me, but I think it's annoying and I don't even want to say it back because I'm too stubborn and I sort of hate him at this point even though deep down, I'll always be thinking about him. I'm not sure what it is keeping me from leaving, I used to say that it was some hope that maybe we'd be together but that's dead now so I figured it's because I feel guilty, or scared. I want to block him on every method of contact, but then I don't. I want to tell him to leave me alone, but then I don't. I know he's going to figure out a way to get ahold of me and ask me what's going on but I don't feel like answering because he'll just suck me right back in like he always does. I really need to get rid of him for good, and move on to a healthier relationship but I guess I'm just not strong enough to do that. Any advice?
View related questions:
move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Lady, first off I feel your pain, it's all too easy to come on and slate you for not leaving this guy or being strong etc. Life is never easy, and yes there are moments and times the you shared with this guy that are probably very real and genuine, at least for him at some points it is, I'm sure he loves you in his own particular way, there are very few guys that would say no to two women in love with them, as much as we try to do the right thing, in the end its up to the individual. But for you it has to be very clear. This guy does not love you and he does not respect his fiancee with whom he's making plans to marry, and she is committing her life to him not knowing that the man she loves and trusts is sleeping around on him. First put herself in her shoes, how would you feel? No doubt he told you he feels more with her, and you are his soul mate and all the romantic nonsense under the sun, and maybe in your head she's this lady who doesnt deserve sympathy, but he's doing this for his ego, nothing more, he's getting married to her. As hard and tough as it will be, you have to step back and walk away because trust me, it wont be easier later on. If you don't respect the vows they are about to commit to each other (no matter how invalid they might be in his case), then you must respect yourself. No doubt you know this guy is feeding you a line of BS and yes as soon as you even start to think of dating someone else he'll be all over you, but get rid of him. Do you really see a future with a man like this? Do you think he'll be yours even though right now he's marrying someone else? Strength is not found by looking way into the future, the first step is not to reply to his first call or maybe his first text..delete it dont look at it at all. Go No contact, its hard, very hard but from that maybe you'll discover the strength you need. The only person that can make a change is you. Do the right thing for yourself and for this woman. Good luck.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (21 November 2010):
 You can start by changing your phone number.
But seriously, what do you expect from him? Truth? Honesty? Fidelity? You've been fine being the other woman and getting scraps of his attention for years, so why should be bother to change now? Face it, he is never going to change because he doesn't need to.
On to you. As long as you tell yourself you are not strong, you will never be. As long as you tell yourself you are weak for him, you will always give in. Until you reframe your life and make the choice to do better, you're going to be stuck right where you are, with the scraps.
The only person who can change is you. You have to decide that you are strong and deserve better. And then, you have to consciously make that decision every single hour of the day. You don't go back on it when he calls. You don't go back on it when he begs. You don't go back on it when you feel lonely. You make the decision because it will bring you happiness.
Good luck.
...............................
|
