A
female
age
36-40,
*urquoise
writes:... my boyfriend and i have been in a relationship for one year and six months, we're both 18, and when we first started going out we both had our own lives, and we used to have other friends, etc;. but after about six months we became more committed, and we made a deal not to go out without each other, and this worked fine, although at times i couldn't really handle our jealousies. but recently, my boyfriend has started wanting to go out without me and he tells me that he feels 'trapped'. but assures me he still loves me and does not want to break up. i'm really hurt that he finds me 'clingy' all of a sudden and i'm not able to know if he really wants to be away from me, or if i'm losing him, or if he just wants more freedom to make things easier, and get over petty jealousies?
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female
reader, Turquoise +, writes (5 July 2007):
Turquoise is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey thanks everyone, i definitely have begun to lay off a little and so far, things are going good. i only saw all the replies today, but i'd already begun to spend some time with my friends and just having a little fun myself. i also have my final exams in a month and i'm also focussing really hard on them.
i'm still worried that you know, being not so insanely in love with each other anymore will drive me away from him, in search of a more thrilling experience, but i guess i'll just wait and see.. maybe things might get better, and it'll all be good.
thanks, once again :)
A
female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (3 July 2007):
In the first mad months of being insanely in love, it is quite normal for both of you to want to be together all of the time. Then after about a year or 18 months, this obsessive kind of love does ease off a bit. This is a good thing, because otherwise our health would probably suffer from all those raging feelings and we would all be dead from exhaustion by 30! You are finding it harder to lighten up than he is. This is also quite normal - I was exactly the same as you. It has been a great 18 months, but now things will change. You can't tell whether the relationship will slowly die away, or whether you will settle down into a more enduring love. When this does happen it is the best thing in the world. For the present, you do need to give him more space, hard though that is. Otherwise, the relationship will certainly end with you driving him away. I agree with Dr Pete - you need to start picking up with your old friends again. You no doubt don't really want to do this, but if you persevere with it, you will find that you start to enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (3 July 2007):
I know how you feel. Its a horrible situation to be in. I imagine you are starting to fear that maybe he doesn't love you anymore, hence why he wants to spend time away from you. And you may even been worried about what hes going to get up to while your not around. These are all understandable feelings but unless hes given you some reason to doubt him other then saying he wants to go out without you, you should try to think more positivtly, cause in most cases you honestly have nothing to worry about :)
I know it may be hard to understand how hes feeling because it seems that at the moment you stil want to be with him all the time and not go out without him, but if you were to conitnue the situation how it is currently at, not ever going out without him, I'm pretty sure you would end up feeling 'trapped' and along the smae lines as your bf is right now. Its just something that would happen to anyone because you need time away from each other, with your own friends and so on. You might find you actually liek it yourself. Just try to stay positive and remmeber your bf said he loves you and doesnt want to break up, he just needs sometime by himself out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): For your relationship to work out you both need your independence and time apart from each other - as well as those times that you share together.
Your boyfriend certainly can feel trapped and that you seem clingy, whilst still loving you and wanting to be with you.
Women can sometimes give up everything for the guy they fall for, their friendships, personal time, hobbies. It is very important for you to keep an identity for yourself, it is not healthy for you to be around your boyfriend all the time.
You need to have female friends, friends you can unload your feelings to because your partner whilst being your boyfriend is not the best person for this, men were not made to handle constant emotional baggage, it causes them to distance themselve and feel that they are not being successful in the relationship. That is why he feels so trapped, you are making him be everything to you, boyfriend, lover, best friend. He is a guy, he needs to spend some time without you, time away from relationship times. You need to share some of your thoughts and feelings with friends and family, it is from this time away that will make him know whether or not you are the right girl for him, it is when a guy knows that there is that element of independence that they can become happy and secure in a relationship.
I suggest you get in contact with some of the friends you have given up for him. You don't need to go out with them all the time, but just once or twice a week would be nice, wouldn't it? Allow your boyfriend to have this amount of freedom too and his love and attachment to you will grow much stronger for you.
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