A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: After a period of a few years alone, (i had taken care if my elderly fatheruntil his death, had a long court battle with family who had deserted us, and then had cervical cancer- a very horrible time, that left me burnt out mentally and physically) i met a man who i fell in love with, bonded with immediately, and thought i had finally found my soulmate. We liked the same things, got alongso well, it was bliss for almost 9 months, we were inseperable. We were planning to move to another state and start a new life together. It was like God had anwered my prayers. 3 months later i had to end the relationship because the man I was much in love with started to be verbally abusive, overly critical, and would not involve me w his family, he also had employment issues, and it became apparent he was wanting me to pay for the move when some issues around selling my home cropped up, he was unsupportive, refused to help me in any way, and the verbal and mental abuse became too much for me to tolerate. On top of this I had a miscarriage, and wound up at the hospital by myself, it was like a different person abducted my lover, so cold, callused, I became very depressed, and his reaction was to be even worse to me, cruel is how id describe him. Umtil the last few months, we were together just one year, he was completely different, very loving and supportive especially about my disabilities, I had not felt so comfortable with someone, so at ease, I didnt think I could feel that way about someone again, it renewed me, and made me feel like I finally found the right man for me. In the end, I felt as though he was just using me for the move, I had helped him get his life together, and when there were problems, he lost interest, and was purposely hurting me,to get rid of me. It has been 6 months, he took up with someone else, within 1 month, and from what ive heard, has other girlfriends. I know. I made the right decision, I know I dont want to be treated badly or used, but my heart is still broken, I try dating, but cant seem to meet anyone I have sparks for, I am ashamed to admit that I miss him, and wonder why I cant seem to get over the hurt. I have been abused by a former boyfriend, and I vowed never to allow anyone to abuse me again. At my lowest, I even contacted him and suggested we go for counseling-- he cut off communication, would only text bible passages, telling me I was in need of help, and humiliated me. Why can I not move on? He left me in a terrible position financially, was cruel, I dont understand my attachment to him. I have no family, no real support, and since the cancer, friends have also deserted me, so I know the loneliness is part of it.I have been so depressed, my self esteem plumeted, I wanted so much to be loved. I cant seem to pull out of this, or feel anything for anyone else,I have prayed to God to please send someone who will truly love me and I can love and trust, but it just doesnt happen. Whatis wrong with me? Why cant I get over this and attract someone decent?
View related questions:
depressed, fell in love, move on, period, self esteem, soulmate, spark, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): You're going through a season of pain and disappointment. It happens to us all. You found love and companionship, but that fell apart; but you can't let that consume all of your strength. My heart goes out to you, and I'll take some time to try and help.
You're a mature woman, but still pretty young. You have to realize that over a lifetime, you're going to hit pitfalls and encounter emotional obstacles. Love will be evasive at times. That's how life goes. It's part of growth, survival, and a part of your journey through life which gives us purpose. We're always changing and evolving.
Finding someone will not be a cure to all your woes. You have to live life one day at a time, and find joy in the smallest of things. Give thanks for life. If you need financial-help, you should get debt-counseling to get your finances under control; so you can lighten your stress.
Cut unnecessary expenses and work on your budget.
Let him go. Don't allow him to occupy your thoughts, because he drains your spiritual and emotional energy.
Bury him as though he died. Erase him completely.
You should also find yourself a women's support-group. You mentioned no friends and no support-system. Battling with your family after your father's death closed a lot of doors in your face. You may have to make an effort to reconnect with your family by extending an olive branch. Even if they may reject you; nothing ventured, nothing gained. When you have no one, but you're too proud or mean to forgive. You'll stay lonely and deserve it. Sometimes family will not respond to efforts to reconcile immediately. They may also be waiting for you to make the first move. Do it. Back-off if it doesn't work, or if they respond with malice.
Their healing may also still be in-progress. Feelings get hurt during periods of family-strife caused by grief. Desertion and the silent-treatment is the typical form of punishment toward each other. It's stupid when you're down to zero for friends. Miserable too.
You have a spiritual-life. Prayer is a good form of meditation, and it is quite therapeutic. I might suggest you find yourself a place of worship, and seek solace and counseling through religious ministry. It gives you a sense of calm and hope. You can participate in activities offered to worshipers, and form friendships among fellow-worshipers. Even volunteer your time to help others through charity. You find good men that way. Guys who volunteer to help others have strong character. They're kind.
Women often recover from hardship or breakups faster than men; because they know how to purge their emotions, and turn to other women for support. So you have the options of calming the soul and reaching out to other women for the strength and moral-support. Be open to talking to other women. Don't shutout womankind. Women have the power to initiate healing and you have a natural gift to bring comfort. Seek it.
Finding a man is not always the answer to a lonely woman's troubles. She has to first rebuild her own strength. You have to rebuild your life and rediscover who you are. In the midst of taking care of yourself, leave yourself open to dating and male-companionship. Don't search for relationships to become dependent, and as a cure to your miseries. If you bring your baggage and misery to another person's life; you aren't good for them, you're a burden. So work on finding your own happiness yourself first. Then allow a man in, to share that happiness.
You can be a gift to lift someone's life, or a stone to drag them down.
Don't con yourself into thinking a man is all you need to feel better. It didn't turn out so well last time, mainly because you let him make all the decisions. He made big plans, and put them all in your lap to execute. You were lonely and vulnerable, and you overlooked red-flags that were probably obvious about him; because you were desperate for someone to fill the lonely void. No need to apologize for fulfilling your human needs. My dear lady, we all have been in your shoes. I know I have. I am glad that you survived your bout with cancer and a miscarriage. I have to commend you, you're pretty tough. The odd thing is, you're a survivor, and I wonder if you realize your own strength?
You've pulled through a lot; but first you need to get your finances stabilized. So you will not be financially dependent on a man. That would put you in another bad position, and he could leave you in a bind. You also have to re-energize after so much emotional and physical struggle. Spend time at the beach. Embrace nature. Exercise and take long walks to ease stress. Say silent prayers in your mind. God hears you. Things are done in His own time. Maintain the faith, and reach out to others to make friendships and alliances, aside from just finding yourself romance. That too will come. Romantic-attraction is sustainable when you're more fit to handle it. You want something durable and healthy. So use this downtime to rejuvenate yourself and make yourself some lady-friends. Reconnect with your estranged family. You can't afford not to. Even if trying is futile, what have you got to lose?
You're amazing. Love will come when the time is right. You need to pull your life together, not look to someone else to do it for you. Love lasts on a strong foundation. You need some grief-counseling through your spiritual-life, professional-counseling, and through kinship with other women who share your life-experiences and are survivors.
You have an interesting life-story to share.
|
