A
female
age
36-40,
*ady Macbeth
writes:Why can't I get him out of my head?I've been browsing the archive of 'teacher - pupil' topics, and none of the posts described a situation quite like mine.I first met the teacher in question when I was 11 years old, the first year of secondary school, when he taught me. Coinsidentally during that year my older sibling was also at the school, in the final year, us being 4 years apart. He also taught them on a GCSE course.He got on very well with my sibling, and as a result showed a special attention to me. For example, whenever class demonstrations were needed, I was always picked to assist him, when work was completed instead of giving me the usual grade (involving A's, B's etc) he'd give me 'F F G'. He'd then ask me to stay behind at the end of the lesson so he could explain it - 'ferry ferry good'. He would single me out with special smiles, and would tease me. I didn't mind this, in fact I enjoyed it, it made me feel noticed and more confident.On one occasion I cut my finger, quite deeply, with a saw in his class, quite by accident. I felt a little unsteady. He took me over to the sink to run it under cold water all the time with his arm around me and speaking quietly to me to calm me. The rest of the class obviously looked on and saw this. He taught me for the first two years of my time at that school, and towards the end of those two years (aged 13 at this point) I was becoming very interested in him. I admit I was too young at that point and too inexperienced to understand exactly what was happening to me, but I would make excuses to pop into his room and see him, and try and bump into him during lunch hours etc.In my third year, he took some time off on sabbatical, to go travelling. That was the moment when I felt something stronger for him. Everything around me reminded me of him, but he was not there. I missed his company, I missed his voice and smile. I missed the way he'd look deep into my eyes and tell me what I was thinking.At the end of that third year he came back for a month or so to do some teaching work and earn a bit more money before continuing his travels. The staff of his department used to run an after-school club for talented students in the subject to practice their skills and work on projects of their own choosing and design. I was a member of this club. One evening he came in and walked straight up to me. He rested his arm on my shoulder (as he regularly did) and made some comment that 'I was just the right height for him to do that'. I moved away and pretended to examine my work. He moved closer and walked around me poking me around my waist. I kept asking him to stop it, with a smile on my face, and he replied 'stop what?'. He then looked at me closely and beckoned for me to follow him into the next room, where there were no students or staff. There he took two stools, placed them close together and told me to sit down. We sat and talked about my home life (which was very difficult) and he asked me questions on how I was coping and I confided in him my thoughts, fears and feelings. How unhappy I was with how my life was at that point. He moved his stool closer and took me in his arms and hugged me tight. I could hardly breathe - because I couldn't believe this was happening. I'd dreamed of being that close to him so many times.During my fourth and fifth year (fifth being the final year) I took his subject but was not taught by him. I was however in his department regularly and saw him very often. I used to go down to his room after school and work on my homework whilst he sat there marking. We'd talk and he'd make me laugh. Occasionally as I was leaving he'd poke me or give my chin a quick caress with one finger, or very occasionally a repeat of that hug.I won a prize in that subject and afterwards when we were going home for the summer, and I showed him the cup, in front of at least three other teachers and many students he talked to me quite apart and gave me that quick caress of my chin.In my final year we were much more familiar. One time he ran his fingers through my hair and held my face staring deep in my eyes. The hugs became more frequent and I started to return them. One time we were standing hugging each other tightly, and he said 'If anyone should walk in now...' to which I replied 'I know...' - but he did not stop hugging me.It never went any further than close hugs and the occasional caress of my face. He never touched me indecently, nothing sexual ever took place.He knew how I felt about him, and when I asked him why he'd never got married he said he'd never found the right woman, and when he did she was too young... He looked at me pointedly when he said that, and I knew he meant me.When I left the school I missed him hugely, but we kept in contact by almost daily emails, and eventually the odd phone call or text message.I used to drop in very occasionally on him after I'd finished college and he was doing marking and spend time with him. He used to greet me very affectionately with a hug, and once a small kiss on the forehead. But again nothing further happened.I spent two years at Sixth-form college seeing him infrequently, when I went back to the school, and once bumping into him in the town he lived in.I left for university 300 odd miles away and we continued with the emails and phone calls. In the long summer holiday at the end of my first year we met up, for the first time outside of the school environment. I was then aged 19 and him 38.He put his arm around me and we walked together in full view of everyone. We even passed a current pupil at the school who stared at him and me. He didn't seem to care, and I was so happy I was walking on air.We sat on a bench and talked for hours. Him with his arm around me. I kissed him on the cheek twice, and wee looked at each other, but no further move was made. He said that 'I knew nothing could ever happen between us', to which I replied 'I know, but it doesn't make my feelings any less'. To which he hugged me all the tighter and stroked my cheek. We parted that day with a harmless joke or two about going back to his flat, and he held me tight and kissed my forehead once more - the last time.The following university year, we continued our emails and phone calls, only the phone calls became more frequent. Then, in January or February of 2006 he broke off all contact with me, with no reason or warning. Suddenly my phone calls went unanswered, when he did eventually answer he seemed a bit distant. There were no responses to my emails, and he 'lost' his mobile phone, and didn't give me a new number.I was stuck 300 miles away with no hope of seeing him or hearing from him. I was devastated. Utterly lost without him. I missed him so much. He'd been a part of my life for eight and a half years by that point, and I found it hard to adjust to life without him.I should make it clear that during sixth-form college and university when we were in contact, it in no way kept me from having a boyfriend or spending time with other guys, but they never filled my whole heart - part of it was always his.The time stretched on and on without contact, and eventually I was resolved to the situation and stopped expecting he might calls or email me. I stopped trying and things went on. I met the guy I am still with now (3 years) and we've had a happy and strong relationship throughout - I confided in him about my past relationship with the teacher and he understood and supported me and trusted me.So time went on and it could be several weeks when I wouldn't even think of him, but suddenly he'd pop up again in my head, or I'd dream of him, and that would set me brooding for days, and I'd try and phone him. More often than not he wouldn't pick up, but once or twice he did, and we had a polite but distant conversation. He didn't want to confide in me anymore, and somehow there no seemed to be a wedge between us, or ice that could not be broken.And so we reach now. I called into the school last September to see his old room, not knowing if he were still there, but sure he was from information from a youngest sibling of a friend. I looked in through the window, but this time I didn't go in. Too much time seemed to have gone by, and yet I was still drawn to him.Unexpectedly he walked out of the door nearby, but didn't see me. I called his name and he turned round surprised, but not, as it appeared, pleasantly so. He asked the usual 'how are you' questions, and we managed a stilted brief conversation. Eventually as he and I were leaving, I said 'I;d ask you for a drink, but somehow I don't think you'd say yes'. He replied with some excuse about packing and moving house. I turned away while he was still speaking, shaking my head - if he'd wanted to see me he'd have found time.I haven't seen him since, but still I can't seem to stop thinking about him. He's treated me shockingly the past three years, and yet I'm still drawn to him and keep wanting to know where he is and what he's doing.My questions is: why can I not get him out of my head - what is it which keeps him there; since I am no longer in love with him, and can no longer see him?* Apologies for the life history and details, but I felt the need to explain as fully as possible the situation, so your opinions could be as appropriate and fitting as possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): in all honesty, that was the most interesting thing i've ever read!
you've obviously been through a lot together and it's clear there were strong feelings from both of you involved.
why did he close off contact? i have no idea, maybe he realized it would never work. maybe he realized his feelings were so strong and nothing would ever come of it so he tried to ignore you and block you out.
was there any possibility somebody found out about how close you were and told the school? obviously nothing happened but it might not have looked that way.
maybe he is involved with somebody else now?
why cant you get him out of your head? even though you say you're not in love with him maybe you remember how you felt when you were in love with him and thats what draws you back to him. maybe its just because your contact was stopped so abruptly you cant let him go. not properly.
you said he was part of your life for 8 and a half years and to loose somebody for what seems like no reason is like loosing a member of the family.
i don't know, really.
good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I'm in a similar situation.I'm not sure what to believe.A guy i like has come up here for a week,and he said i could ring him.However,i tried to call twice yesterday.The first time,his phone was switched off,and the second time,it rang and there was no answer.He has left some status messages on a social networking site saying he cant find his mobile phone.So i think either he could have left it at home by mistake,or it could have been lost in his luggage,or he could have lost it somewhere else on the way up here.Or,it could be an excuse for him not answering his phone.What do you think ?.I'm abit worried because i have tried sending him messages online a couple of times before and he hasn't responded,so its making me paranoid.In fact,i have sent him a message online tonight,just to say i read he had lost his mobile,and i'd tried to ring him ,and asked if he is out tonight or tomorrow.I dont know if i've just embarrassed myself for sending that.I hope not.I'm not sure how he feels about me.I wish i knew.He has asked if i've had a boyfriend a few times in the past,said i looked nice,and once he wanted me to sneak back to his house with him for a drink !.I'm sorry to hear about your situation.Some men can be really cruel at times !.If they dont want to see you or speak to you,why lie and say they do,or why ignore you ?.Why not be honest about it ?.It seems to me,with these situations,that either the men arent really interested and are mocking,or they are interested,but they are scared for some reason.What do you think ?.
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A
female
reader, sweet_lover101 +, writes (29 March 2009):
Oh my goodness... I feel for you. Im sitting here crying because of your love story! :(
I totally agree with
kitty 3 there so much rite now to look forward to now that you are grown up. So get busy even I know it's impossible to get over him just keep him in the back of your mind then gradually he will disappear. Dont make him as a distraction. He sounds soo perfect,a gentleman, thats why you cant get over him. But you will just one day. Leave the past and live the future. You did agree nothing will happened between you 2.
I hope you'll get over him soon. Dont hesitate to email me anytime x Good luck x
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A
female
reader, kitty_3  +, writes (27 March 2009):
 Oh, wow. That must be terrible! And you have no idea whay he broke off contact? I have quite the crush on my teacher, so I can imagine that that would be devastating!
I guess the best thing you can do is to busy your mind. I hope it works out for you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Hi, I get where you're coming from because he was a big part of your life for those 8 and a half years and not a day went by with out you thinking of him. I think he has just become part of your day to day routine or you need closure, is that what you were looking for when you went to the school to see him? He hurt you and you want to know why and how someone that you have loved could do that to you. love let's party!xx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 March 2009):
 Look at where you are now. Did he impact your life which lead you to where you are and what you're doing. He was a "substitute" parent to you. You seem as if you weren't getting affection at home, he shows you affection you're lacking, it heightened your emotions toward him.
You can't get him out of your head because it's unresolved. It's like a project that sits an sits and doesn't get complete. He kept his boundaries about not crossing over to a non-student/teacher relationship. At times, I bet you were wishing you'd get more. The fact I see is, he was a huge influence on your growing up. Someone you care for and he does too. What I didn't see here is your thanking him for being such a huge inspiration in your life. I feel that is the closure you need.
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