A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI would really like some help.I have been having an emotional and physical affair with a co worker for 18 months. We started as friends and got close over a period of time. We have had many ups and downs during our time together, arguments, fell out, weekends away etc. He is married and staying with his wife for his 3 year old. He says he isn't having sex with his wife and life at home isn't great. I probably see him more as we work together than his wife does as she works long shifts. I have tried to break it off so many times and tried the no contact but I always break it. Its so hard to implement that when you work together. Every single weekend im in bits as I know he is with his wife and family. This week is going to be tortorous as he is on holiday today for 5 days with his wife and son. Ive tried to deal with it as best I can and told him to have a lovely holiday...I am saying that through gritted teeth though as I am hurting so much. I am in love with this man. He loves me too but won't leave his son..he says its hard for him too. I just feel so jealous and angry today. I want to tell his wife as she thinks everything is ok between them. 18 months is a long time and he has shared himself with me for that time. How do I stop this? How do I break free? Ive tried but always fail.I am married and have two children with my husband. The thing is my husband is the nicest man. I wish I could love him like I love my lover. My husband would never hurt me or cheat on me. Why can't I forget abouy my lover and move on? Ive tried looking for a new job but theres none out there at the moment. Thanks for reading x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Darling, you are being PLAYED! Your lover is having his cake and eating it too. He is using you. He is lying to you. He is telling you exactly what you want to hear so he can keep you on the side. He is not having sex with his wife? I find that very hard to believe. I bet deep down you find it hard to believe as well. Think about it logically. Would his wife think everything is okay if they have not had sex in eighteen months? Twelve months? Six months? Three months? Most likely he loves his wife, does not really want to leave HER or his son, has sex with her regularly, etc.
How do I know this? I was in the same position as your lover's wife at one point. My wife had an affair. She told her lover everything he is apparently telling you. I know this because I eventually talked to her lover. Does any of this sound familiar?
"I am only staying with her because of the children."
"I am not having sex with her. It is gross."
"I have been wanting to leave her for years."
"I am in love with you; not her."
"I want to leave but I do not want to hurt my wife either. I still care about her as a friend."
"When I am with her I think about you."
"I do not really want to go on vacation with her. I wish I could go with you instead but I have to go."
I could go on but I think you get it. When I found out about my wife's affair, I went straight to the source: my wife's lover. In fact, I forced my wife to speak with both her lover and I at the same time because my wife could not get away with lying with both of us there. In short, 99% of the stuff my wife told her lover was a lie. Her lover was extremely upset!
I am willing to bet the reason you want to tell his wife is because you know deep down he is lying and you want to force his hand. You want to make him tell you the truth or man up and leave (he won't!).
You are in a slightly different situation. My wife's lover was single. Her lover did not have to deal with a family like you do.
Affairs mess with one's mental state, emotions, and chemical makeup. The body reacts to affairs like a body reacts to drugs. It DOES become an addiction. That is why you cannot stop contacting this man. I would even go as far to say you really do not LOVE this man. At least not in a mature, long-term type of love. You are confusing short-term infatuation with love. You probably felt very, very similar when you first became involved with your husband, yes?
My advice is this. Tell your husband. He probably senses something is wrong but cannot quite put his finger on it yet...HE WILL EVENTUALLY! Your lover's wife probably feels the same way as your husband. Her intuition will eventually get the best of her and she will start searching to find out what is wrong. What would you rather happen? You tell your husband or your husband find out when your lover's wife knocks on your door one day mad as hell? You can count on one of those situations happening. If you go to your lover's wife she is going to contact your husband. Bad move. Your husband needs to hear it from you if you want to salvage your marriage at all.
Yes, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done but it needs to be done. The man you REALLY love over the long haul and your children are at stake. Shake off the "affair fog" and think!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): The question is not why he is the way he is, the question is why are you doing this?
Really, it's a deep question.
It's not simple.
Do you even realize what you are doing? Probably not, no fully.
Read this and think upon it. This is a true story.
My wife had an affair, it was horrible for me. Really.
Many people would consider me an "ideal" husband. I was good to her, and she was good to me. But, she considered me "to good for her" and had since I met her, but kept this secret. She started to feel lost and afraid after we had children, got depressed, was on and off medications, and in a fit of depression, substance abuse (alcohol and another drug which was hidden and I was unaware of this), and possibly partially as a result of a manic reaction to medication she was taking for depression which you never mix with alcohol or other drugs, she had an affair.
So, what happens. Well, she goes through hell, and I go through a lesser hell, and eventually we remain together. But, it took a lot of counseling help and she had to open up and talk about her life for the first time to anyone. So, I understand why and what and who and why again, and also she had to tell me what had been done to her in the past in childhood and young adulthood before I met her. No more hiding this stuff, stuff I hadn't a clue about.
Why did she do it? Why did she feel the way she did?
Why did she hurt someone she loved, and nearly destroy her family?
Her answers are not your answers, although they may be similar. Go to counseling, figure out yourself, and then you might be able to save your marriage. It won't be easy, but you probably don't know your husband very well and have hidden so much of yourself that he doesn't know you either.
It won't be easy.
Two days ago, unexpectedly and unprovoked, I was attacked by a man less than half my age, using a large survival knife and wearing brass knuckles, in broad daylight. I had to fight him bare handed and unarmed and unassisted in a parking lot in front of dozens of shoppers, I was able to survive, probably mostly by sheer luck. Then I managed to chase him down and got him arrested. Afterward, I was bruised and bloodied, although luckily without serious life threatening injuries.
Someone asked me today "are you getting some counseling" for help with the aftermath. I had to laugh.
This was nothing, nothing at all compared to nearly losing the person that I loved more than life itself, nothing compared to thinking that I was going to come home to an empty house with my kids and wife gone (and I didn't know she was having an affair at the time) and all because all of a sudden I could do nothing right and I didn't know why?
I'd take the guy in the parking lot again any day, and die there if necessary, rather than go through what I went through with the affair.
Really.
Think about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Okay,I'll give you a different answer to everyone else's because I am going through exactly the same as you are.
Everyone will say be honest to your husband, break it off with the lover, etc.
I was one of those women who was strongly against affairs, I said that would NEVER BE ME!
anyone can tell yopu what you SHOULD do when it is not happening to them, and they really have no idea.
I know how you feel, you feel exited, wanted, sexy, he probably tells you you are sexy right?
I have it too, i am married, so is my lover, we work together too.
I am so much in love with him that I feel sick, he says he feels the same.
I made a rule that we would never discuss intimate details about our spouses simply because I know he would say he doesn't sleep with her, or they do but it is boring, either that or he may have told me how nice it was and I would have felt even more sick. I knew it would be lies and so I never wanted to hear it.I also know he would not leave his wife and children, probably not for me or anyone else, even though he says he could!
I suppose that makes me a loose woman of the worst kind to anyone reading this, BUT I know as you do that it is not that easy.
I have other issues with my lover, I am listening to him tell me he is in love with me, but also watching him go gooey eyed over other women. I cant believe he is in love with me because of that, after all that is how we ended up together in the first place.
My point is and even though I am cheating myself, I dont think I would ever trust him, my gut sinks every time he looks into another womans eyes, but I love him and the way he makes me feel, and so all I can do is exactly the same as you. Either put up with it, carry on knowing you are only a bit on the side for extra marital exitement until it fizzles out on its own, OR have the determination to tell him its over.Before you can do that, you need to tell yourself in your own heart that it is over.
The thing that stops you breaking this off is because deep down you know he will say okay then if thats what you want, and you will have it confirmed to you what you have been and meant to him really. In short, you are frightened of feeling worse than he already makes you feel.
I know this because I am feeling it myself, I cant break it off either because I am hoping against all odds that he is being honest when he says he loves me, I am sure this is how you feel too?
At the end of the day, it all comes down to how bad you can take him making you feel. I suppose you will come to a point on your own where you decide that you cant take anymore but to finish this you have to want to yourself, if you really wanted to you would finish it for your own dignity and self respect if nothing else.
As long as you go on believing the lies he tells you, you will never move on.
I have been advised to go with my gut instinct, you should too.
I hope all goes well for you, and me xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 May 2011):
The sale of your house
The third of your husband's income.
The hatred of your husband
The hatred of your kids.
The guilt of knowing you failed your kids.
The guilt of knowing you failed your husband.
The feeling of isolation you'll feel waking up knowing no one loves you.
The feeling of being used.
The feeling of being lied to.
The battle for custody of your children.
The battle for birthdays with your children.
The battle for Christmas with your children.
The feeling of despair when that great husband finds a woman who does love him.
Finally, knowing that lover of yours is laughing at you ever second, of every day, for the rest of your life.
That list above is a small portion of what you have to look forward to if you don't wake up.
First of all, this man doesn't love you. He's just another guy, having a good old time. 50% of married men do that. You won't even be the first mistress. You'll be the second or third, because those excuses he gave are generally used by experienced cheats. He loves having a wife at home cooking the tea, looking after the child, doing his laundry. And he loves a bit on the side. He doesn't leave her because of the child - he stays because he knows he has the best of both worlds.
And you don't love him - if you did you'd have walked from your husband and just not given a damn. What you like is the drama, the excitement. Well you won't be so excited when your kids ask you why you cheated on their good, nice father.
You have to decide what you now care about. As it is, you don't seem to care about anything but your own drama. The happiness of your kids and husband are second best. You're a wife and mother, not just some bit on the side for some guy who's dipping his wick every chance he gets.
Wake up, for God's sake, before you lose the lot and find yourself alone Christmas Day because your husband has left, told your kids you're a cheat and they've decided they want to live with him.
And if that's not enough for you to stop the affair, then at least get a divorce so your husband can find a woman who does love him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): i'm sorry but i have no sympathy here. coming from someone who has been on the other side of the coin, being cheated on SUCKS. more than anything i've ever experienced in my entire life. and i just despise and loathe the act. if you're so unhappy, do the humane thing and LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND. and if your lover can't do the same, he obviously doesn't love you like you think he does. but for some reason you're on here complaining about him not being willing to leave her, yet you're still dragging along the innocent, sweet, kind, faithful man that you're married to. so sad. you don't deserve him.it makes me so sad to know that right now this poor, innocent woman is on a vacation with her husband, probably loving the fact that she's getting alone time with him to rejuvinate their marriage, completely oblivious to the fact that her husbands lover is at home dying inside about it. that's his wife!! yet for some reason you seem bitter at HER. and for what?? that's the purely innocent person in this party. that and your husband. completely innocent.it sucks to love someone who isn't completely emotionally available. but you're BOTH married. stop being so selfish and weak and do the right thing. if you put one tenth of the amount of effort into your husband as you do worrying about a man who will never be with you, you might actually be able to salvage your marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011):
Think about what will happen if your husband finds out - and he will if you continue like this. What if your lover's wife finds out? Let's just say that you guys think you have the situation under control, but it could get very out of control very quickly. You will both hurt people you care about. Is this what you want? If things are not going well with your husband then divorce him, but find a man that is not in a marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): *Why can't I forget about my lover and move on?
The answer is because you don't want to. I can tell you this you are falling for classic lines of, Oh I am not sleeping with the wife, and I would be with you, only I can't leave my son, oh yes things are that bad with his wife they are going on holiday, and spending 24 hours a day with her.
The reason you have failed in the past is because you want to, you are loving the drama of it all. Find some respect for your husband, kids and yourself, and stop this, use this week he is away as a starting point. do not contact him, while he is away and when you get back to work, only deal with him if you have to, but only for things to do with work nothing else. I would think about giving up the job, there are more important things in life than money, you can always cut your cloth to suit the household income.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Honesty
It's the hardest thing to do. Everyone seeks excuses or a work around.
What is it that make you cheat on the man whom supposedly never hurts you?
What is it that makes you jeopardize the security of your kids two parent home?
You have your own kids and yet you worry about him and his family.
You're putting your trust in a man quite willing to cheat on his wife..but then again you're no different you're willing to cheat on your husband.
If it's really love you feel then tell your husband. Honesty.
Or is it selfishness? your wants and needs are greater than the vows of honesty and truth you took on the alter.
Greater than the responsibilities you have when you and your husband brought two children into the world?
If you really love this man, then tell your husband and free him the the inevitable hurt because this scenario will not play itself out indefinitely. This man is not leaving his family and you're not going to suddenly love your husband more, the more this goes on the more distance you'll put between you both emotionally and physically, and when you get caught, nothing will ever be the same.
You have a chance to stop being selfish and think of your family, think of your vows. So what if you work together? You don't have sex at work do you?
But I guess if you wilfully have sex with another man then go home to your husband and lie to him for 18 months, there might not be any hope for you. It's your life, your family and it's in your power to stop this before you destroy everything.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): Hi, this man - your lover - is having his cake and eating it too. Wake up and smell the coffee, he is just using you. You are the other woman basically. And men do lie to get their way. Yes they do!! He is not unhappy! He loves his wife, just like your poor husband loves you! Break it off, this is clearly just a recipe for disaster. Or you'll eventually lose even that faithful but stupid husband of yours. Learn to appreciate what you have at home.
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