A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I know I'm not alone in this by any means. Why can't I come during sex?I know I can have orgasms, certainly. I've masturbated quite frequently from a young age, and have been consistently able to come (granted, it takes twenty minutes or so). Fantasy plays a huge part in my (apparent) ability to orgasm, be in something just in my head or in porn that I'm watching.Now that I've started actually having sex, though, I can't get there with my partner. I find him attractive, and I fantasize about him, but I can't come while having sex with him. Even when we're doing things that I could do on my own, like him using a vibrator on me, I get turned on but nothing happens. Baffling.I don't know what the deal is. It is hard for me to fantasize while I'm having sex, because my "this is actually happening" sensor gets tripped. Then, I don't want to try super hard to concentrate on it because I feel like it's an affront to my partner...Another thing, I've never really been into vaginal penetration. Like, I strictly do not fantasize about it. I've only masturbated a few times with penetration, and I can't remember having liked it very much or found it to be helpful. Even now, actual sex is my least-favorite part of the process. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that it doesn't do very much for me. In fact, let's say I'm using a vibrator. I come in twenty minutes, tops, right? But if I spend those twenty minutes having sex and using a vibrator at the same time, it's like sex is distracting me from being able to come.And then there's the fact that about 25% of the time, halfway through sex things get suddenly dry down there, and no amount of lube can make it feel good again. It's frustrating, for me and for him.Tips? Similar frustrations? Thanks.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 Difficult one.
Let me get this straight, you need 20 minutes with a vibrator on your clit to get off? That seems a bit long. Of course women are well known to require a bit more then two strokes but we are not talking foreplay here are we? We are talking a buzzing electric engine right on the spot.
Might there be something going on? A lack of foreplay? Over-stimulation? A mental block?
Most girls I know (hardly a large sample) don't exactly appreciate it if you dive straight in, they need to be taken up slowly, with lots of kisses and stroking. Even when you start cunninglus it is not good advice to bite down on the clit straightaway. Men learn to take their time. So do you?
You are of course in a far better position to know what feels good for you, but could you be a girl who digs into her dessert before the appetizer? Perhaps you need to have more build-up because else things just ain't ready and by applying to much stimulation to early stuff gets numb?
Perhaps there is also a mental issue going on? How have you been raised to think of sex and masturbation? Are you worried during intercourse about getting pregnant? How do you think about penetration? (not just the pleasure part, but the act itself)
I think this case goes deeper then just the usual "she needs longer then he can give" and "use the clit luke" stuff. You guys have been trying but I think you may have been trying to hard.
Ditch the vibrator for a while, just so your body doesn't expect a penis to make a thousand revolutions a minute and try some slow LONG lasting foreplay with panties on. Till you are REALLY in the mood and not just horny. And then explore soft masturbation, again NOT by just beating away but using the entire body and see what happens. It might take some time. I do know that guys can get used to masturbating so rougly that a girls actions are not enough.
And examine whether their might be some issues that are blocking you from simply enjoying things.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 You being on top may help as you can guide the angle, pace, etc, ... or you could always stimulate your clitoris yourself during intercourse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): As previous answer, it's very common for a woman to only come through clitoral stimulation (in fact I've a feeling a read somewhere that it's very very rare for a woman to orgasm through vaginal penetration alone.).
You could try increasing the foreplay so that you are really turned on by the time you get down to actually intercourse. Have you tried oral? (Him on you I mean!)
Lots of lube helps too. Try not to pressure yourself so much. That'll put you off if you're thinking "I must orgasm. Gawd this is taking ages! Why aren't I coming!!" ;)
Or just mess around with no intention of penerative sex at the end of it. Get used to being really relaxed sexually around him.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2009): What happens if your BF inserts his middle finger and uses a beckoning motion on the front wall of your vagina? He can stimulate the g spot and/or the area near the cervix. No clitoral stimulation when he does this.
Put attention on any pleasure you feel, surrender to him, and don't make orgasm a goal.
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