A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend very much, he has done a lot for me and been there for me when no one else has. We have been together for almost a year.He lives about 45 min away at school and has a lot on his plate. When he's gone it hurts because i only get to speak to him for 5-15 min a day. I understand though, he is busy.When I am with him, he wants to have sex and hold me and then he's in his own world. Even though he says he misses me and wants to see me and would love for me to come whenever I want. I just don't feel it. I feel like a ghost except for when he wants to be close to me and cuddle.We never go out, he used to worry that he needs to take me out more, but I told him that I understand he cannot and am okay with just being with him. I regret saying that. When I am with him he is not really there. Plus, it hurts that he has time to go out with his friends (I thought he didn't have time), but not with me. And when he is with me, he is planning things with friends (not in a way that I would know).I know he loves me a lot, but what I want from a relationship is different from what he wants. I was just there for a couple of days and though yes I was studying for the most part, he was on facebook and playing games. See when I'm with him I feel like there are 30 other people in the room too. So it's like he is somewhere else.I don't understand why he wants to be with me and wants to spend time with me, when though we are in the same room, I feel so trivial and ignored. (except when it comes to sex, cuddling, or helping me with my homework).If this was just occasional I would understand, but it is becoming so constant and I just feel like I am not getting what I need. He also feels like he can't tell me things because it will make me upset, but that is not the case at all. For instance last night I was at his house and he asked me if I wanted to go to the library. I said yes, then he said he was already ready and really preferred to be alone to study. I said okay and five minutes later he comes back and tells me he wants me to go. We get there and he says he think his friend is there and we go find him. My boyfriend doesn't introduce me, as usual, and I said I wanted to sit in a comfy chair and left politely. I couldn't understand why if my boyfriend had wanted to be with his friend or something he could just tell me.As for another night, his friend invited him somewhere, he told me later and I told him he should go and have fun, but then he said no he wanted to spend time with me. But the whole time he was on facebook. It is like he feels obligated to be with me and thinks it makes me happy. But it makes me so sad, to feel like he would rather be talking to other people online. I understand spending time together may be different for guys and girls, but I am not a doll! I know girls would kill for a guy that wants to have sex with them and hold them and be with them and hear how they love you and how pretty you are. But is that all there is? He doesn't want to do anything fun with me or take me out or talk and just have it be me and him? I am jealous of all his friends because that is how he is with them. He just says things because he thinks it will make me happy and does things for the same reason, he obviously cares a lot. But I don't think he really understands. I know if I say something he will feel really hurt.Lately I asked if he flirts with other girls, I mean he is always talking to other girls. I know I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, but some guys do and some don't. So I just wanted to know. He said no I don't care about other girls, and you know I don't because you trust me, then he rolled his eyes, and walked out.Is this normal, am I being a bad girlfriend? Why can't he just tell me things and be open with me? I care about him a lot and that's what I am here for. Are we incompatible? I know if I keep talking about things that are wrong it will hurt him and he does so much for me that he will think i am unable to please and make happy. But I just want to feel close to him other than sexually. He should want to hang out with me and go out and tell people I am his girlfriend. It seems that this is not how he is, he would probably just tell me he doesn't care about those people and he loves me. I am so lost and confused. What is happening? I want to wait it out, but I'm scared it won't change. I just want to have fun with him when I with him. Do I have an unrealistic view of boyfriends and girlfriends?Thanks3
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): He's taking you for granted, and you need to start taking responsibility for your own fun. Invite HIM with you somewhere to do things. What exactly are you doing while he sits on facebook? I am sure you are not hanging over his shoulder, but busy with your own things, and he doesnt want to bother you. He said he wanted to spend time with you, so take him with you somewhere, Im betting the facebook is just what he does while WAITING for you to actually wanna do something with him.
A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (17 March 2010):
 Oh honey! Just listen to yourself! This is a direct quote! "I know he loves me a lot, but what I want from a relationship is different from what he wants." Really? What is that supposed to mean?
And here is another one! "I feel like a ghost except for when he wants to be close to me and cuddle." This is not what real love feels like. You are in agony. Is this what you want? A guy who basically ignores you until he wants to have sex.
Here's more: "I don't understand why he wants to be with me and wants to spend time with me, when though we are in the same room, I feel so trivial and ignored. (except when it comes to sex, cuddling," Think about what you are saying and what this means.
This is the most telling thing that you said: "We never go out, he used to worry that he needs to take me out more, but I told him that I understand he cannot and am okay with just being with him. I regret saying that. When I am with him he is not really there. Plus, it hurts that he has time to go out with his friends (I thought he didn't have time), but not with me. And when he is with me, he is planning things with friends (not in a way that I would know)." Ask yourself this - why do you expect so little?
I am so sorry but I think you are getting used here. You basically go to his place and have sex. The only thing he has to do is help you with your homework! Huh? You sound like such a caring young woman with a big heart. Find a guy who will appreciate you and not just when it comes to having sex. Let me know if you have any question. I check my mailbox here regularly.
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