A
male
age
41-50,
*amarpan
writes: we are coworker and she is married, i love her truely from the heart still i think about her 24hrs may be she will talk to my like a close good friend (not expected kisses etc) but close friendship as she earlier have with me .sometimes i think she uses me becoz after her boyfriend marriage she make me her alternative or now after her marriage she has other option of her husband.I mean she needs someone to share, joy, or love her. i must also say that she is very good friend and very kind at heart.I want be her good friend for whole life but it looks she did not want. It has been 3 months since i have not contact her neither she keeping in my mind that I should not come between her and his husband.. i m missing her very much , i did not even try to mail her but i still love her.But each day I m feeling depressed without her , why cant be she friend with me….???I m a good person but I m not able to control my sadness , how much time it will take to forget her I do not know…Is this right time for me to get married..?? may be I get busy with my marriage like herplease advice me
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co-worker, depressed, married woman Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): you may not see it now, but actually she IS being a good friend to you now by staying away from you.
It's in your best interest to heal your broken heart and move on from her because she has made the choice to be married to someone else. you're hurting yourself by staying so obsessed with her. By cutting off contact from you she is making the conditions EASIER for you to move on. if she were to stay in contact with you as a 'friend' it may temporarily make you feel happier when you're around her, but then the pain will hurt even worse when you still find yourself without her and knowing she is with her husband. You'll find yourself rearranging your life to spend whatever time you can get with her, or in anticipation of whatever communication she gives you. This is a horrible way to live and you'll be feeling even more miserable than you are now.
so she's actually being your friend now by refusing contact with you because this is the best way for you to heal your broken heart.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (17 February 2012):
 Your desire to be close to her is purely selfish. You want her around because you love her still. You are not her partner now, her husband is. It's time to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2012): It's right for her to distance herself from you because she's MARRIED. Think about this from another angle. Let's say you got what you wanted and somehow you and her were married. How would you feel if there is another man in her life wanting to be her lover? Would you, as her husband, think it's OK for her to be friends with this man who wants to be her lover? If you're having a very difficult time dealing with your sadness and the pain isn't going away even after many months, you may need to get some counseling help or maybe take some anti-depressant medication. The solution is not for you to keep on fixating on her and trying to get her to ease your pain. you have to take responsibility for your own pain and try to ease it by yourself even if it means getting outside help.This is not a sign of weakness - if you have a flu that's just not going away by itself and making you miserable wouldn't you finally see a doctor and take the medicine to help heal? It's the same thing for emotional problems. If you're very depressed and it's not getting better after many months and it's affecting your ability to concentrate in other areas of your life, it's time that you get some professional help for that, not to keep wallowing in the "sickness."And no this is NOT the time for you to be trying to get married! Marriage is not a a substitute for counseling and medication for depression. if you started dating someone new and worked towards marriage simply to take your mind off this first woman, that's very selfish of you and unfair to the new woman. she's basically being used as a replacement for your own benefit. The time to start dating seriously again is after you've been healed from this pain and are no longer depressed and can then truly appreciate a new woman for who she is and see her as a person in her own right, not just using her as a distraction or like a anti-depressant substitute.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (16 February 2012):
 Why can't she be a good friend to you, you ask? Because she is MARRIED now. That means her first loyalty is to her HUSAND - just as HIS first loyalty is to HER.
Not only that, but she told you she doesn't want to be friends with you.
You had better forget all about loving her and missing her -difficult as that may be, but you have to. If you persist with these ideas, you'll only make yourself miserable pining for someone you can't have and a friendship that has no future.
I'm sorry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2012):
 She can’t because she does not want to. I would not want to be very friendly with an ex lover if I was in a new relationship, especially one where the old lover is NOT very accepting and supportive of my trying to distance myself from him so I can work on my marriage and myself.
I think it's a good time for you to go out and meet people and get on with your life.
I don't see how you can talk about getting married when you are still so focused on being friends with a woman you can't have... what do you think a wife would say or feel if you said "hi I have this other woman I won't let go of but will you marry me?"
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2012):
 She can't be friends with you, and you shouldn't be friends with her precisely because you still have feelings for her. The fact that you are an ex-lover disqualifies you from trying to make a friendship with her.
Think of it this way -- what if you got your heart's desire and married her. Let's say then, she gets back into contact with a past boyfriend while married to you? What if that past boyfriend still held feelings for her?
Would you be okay with your wife hanging out with a past lover who still had feelings for her? Not on your life!
Best thing you can do for yourself is to find someone new who is not married or attached and is free to love you and no one else.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 February 2012):
 SHE's paying attention to her marriage... and that is correct.....
YOU are spending 'way too much time and mental energy thinking about her.... and that is not a good idea... Focus your energy and attentions elsewhere.... In time, you will find that you've forgotten her... and THAT is the "correct" state of things.....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, AeroArrow +, writes (16 February 2012):
Because ex-lovers should back off. You will only cause problems in her current relationship by trying to be in her life.
How many guys do you know that would be ok with their wife or girlfriend hanging out with some guy that they used to be intimate with. It's like playing with fire.
The fact that you feel so depressed and sad without her shows that you may like her as more than just a friend.
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