A
male
age
41-50,
*ostOneTwoMany
writes:Were do I start? My ex of 6 years finally got tired of me and left me. She has another man in her life now, I see them together on facebook. We have a little girl together only 2 years old, she already has the new guy around my little girl. Our relationship was full of brake-ups, I kicked her out so many times, over frustration and petty fights, we lived together. I always went back to her and really wanted to work things out for us. It's been only 4 months now and It still kills me, she wasn't perfect by any means, she offered nothing really, only companionship. She moved in with me and she never had a job, I paid all the bills for years. At the end she finally did get a job, where I believe she found the new guy. She was younger then me and this was not my first long term relationship that ended in this manner. I also have an 8 year old son with another woman, who left me for the same reasons and also went flying into another relationship right after she left me. I feel lonely, jealous, heart broken, betrayal, depressed, I feel like I need to change as a man, so this will never happen again. I know we are both to blame for this outcome, but I keep asking myself why can't I just move on and forget? Why does it bother me so much that she has another man? Why does my mind keep picturing them together sexually? I want to just let go, but I can't! I have to see her the rest of my life when I pick up my daughter. It kills me that she would have this new guy around my little girl. She always told me that I was her life, that I was her everything. I thought I was a “good man” to her, but I had my days when I was rather undesirable, due to insecurities I had about myself. She must have been building this up for years, she even told me at some points, but only in the heat of a fight, after she would tell me the things she said she didn't mean them. I'm rambling, I don't even know what I want in life, I don't even know what to expect from posting this here. I know it's over, I know we will never be together again. I know that even if she came back to me it wouldn't work, I cant forgive her. She has no intention of ever coming back anyway, but I guess there's a part of me that believes one day she will try to come back.My question would be:Why do woman have to ability to move on so fast and so strongly after they leave meWhy would she let this man be around my little girl?Sorry if this was too long, it could have easly been longer.
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male
reader, LostOneTwoMany +, writes (8 November 2010):
LostOneTwoMany is verified as being by the original poster of the question Wow, thank you guys so much. Hearing it from other people is truly eye opening. well, just as an update, I sent her a text asking to be with my little girl this weekend, she told me that my daughter was with her grandmother. I then told her; wow that means your home with him alone (the new boyfriend). So I then told her that I would rather her lie to me, tell me she's not available this weekend, this way it hurts less. What I don't know wont hurt me. I continue to tell her that I know she finally must have gotten around to haveing sex with him (I'll admit I used the F word), Yes very stupid of me . Later on she replay to me saying that she didn't “have sex with him”, she said that she really did love me & still has feelings for me, but just couldn't do it anymore.
Is she really truly finished with me, if so why would she reveal to me that she didn't have sex with him & also reveal that she still has feelings for me? Is this worth putting some thought into or am I just setting myself up for another disaster?
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 OK ... thanks for explaining.
Well, you know why they left. They had had enough of the deliberate neglect and lack of regard for their wellbeing on all levels.
A lot of people, when they finally break free of a bad relationship, have a period of feeling really happy - they are free again, and full of hope. This attracts other people. This is why people often find opportunities for new relationships poping up quickly. I don't think it is something specific to women - men do it as well. She has spent a long time falling out of love with you, so it's not that she jumped from one second loving you and the next someone else. It will have taken probably years for her to get to the point of leaving you, and by that point, your bad points far outweighed your good - the scales had completely tipped. So she didn't want or love you any more. She was ready to be free. She found someone else/someone else found her.
No mystery.
That she has introduced this guy to your daughter - well, it would be hard not to, given that she is a single mother now and looking after a two year old. And I presume that she wouldn't have introduced them if she hadn't judged him an OK guy to be around her child. Remember that she loves your daughter just as much as you, and of course one of her criteria for a new man will be that he is good with her daughter.
I'm just surprised that you have let yourself do this twice, given that you seem to be aware of what you are doing. I'm afraid that difficult as it may be, you're going to have to let go of your ex and focus on being there for your daughter, whenever you can. Maybe it will help you really appreciate what you need to change, and be different next time. No point me telling you that behaving as you have just won't work, and will always end you in misery, because you already know that.
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A
male
reader, LostOneTwoMany +, writes (7 November 2010):
LostOneTwoMany is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was not outgoing, I didn't spend time with there families when they wanted me to join them. No communication from both sides. I didn't show them true love, only when I wanted sex! I changed, in the start of the relationship I was this nice, loving, compassionate, understanding man. Then life comes into play & I became a lazy, undesirable, hateful man who would put more into my friendships then my woman. I started hanging out with friends, telling her to stay at her moms house while I entertain my friends. She grew tired of my putting her aside, me doing more for my friends then I did for her. I wanted to go out with friends & not take her along. She stayed home all the time, we hardly went out, we would fight & then I wanted to have sex after. I took her (them) for granted, kicked them out when I wasn't happy then wanted them back when I missed them. Now, that they gave me my “freedom” I don't want it.
Also, they where both young woman, my ex even younger (18 when I met her, I was 24). She hadn't lived life yet. She went into a relationship with me too young. I had my own demons from my last relationship also. I'm waiting for a relationship with a woman in my age group, I think this would be a great change & experience for me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 November 2010):
 1. You put her down too many times. She is desperate for someone to love her, and respect her. She is not going to allow the breakup to make the rest of her life suck.
"She never had a job" is a bit of an exaggeration. You moved in with her knowing she didn't have a job and had sex without protection. I know some women with high energy level could work two jobs (existing ones) up until the last month, but then what goes up must come down that means there would be at least 8 months she couldn't work. Who is going to hire a pregnant woman anyway? Your fightings sucked all the love out of this relationship.
2. She is not going to be a single mom forever. She can let any man around your daughter if he's not abusive, has substance abuse or a pervert. Maybe she wants to show you that she has a partner who wants her, and that it was a mistake for you to just assume she is lazy and has no will to work. If she wanted to work the motivation comes from wanting to take care of her daughter, and not from your complaining about her not working.
I think the breakup of the relationship was your fault. So a guy outside of the relationship wants to proove himself that he's more of a man than you, to right the wrongs and that's why single moms are so desired. Another reason why she can move on so fast is that she is still young and attractive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Well I hate to break this to you and I've only read it a few times and experienced a couple. Woman Talk alot to other woman... Period. Not saying guys don't but here in lies the problem. Guys don't as much. Guys don't express there feelings as much as woman do. When they do society can suck(forget society). To say the least. In a long term relationship guys who don't always express themselves start expressing themselves to this S.O. they end up getting emotionally attached. Sharing feelings(girls r good at this). Well the problem develops when the guy is only expressing themselves in one girl. The girl thinks this great and it is but for a guy(not all but some) after a break up "We need to tuff it out". Its kind of understood that guys don't really talk about hearty things with other guys. Idk I haven't ever approached one of my friends(guy) and told them "She broke my heart dude, and I need a shoulder to cry on." I bet most guys haven't either. With girls they can deal with it better. They have friends who help them thru it but with guys its like guy code not to talk about it(I say talk about it). That's when its been 6 months - year - 2 years down the road and you have regret about this girl. I know. I know its tuff. I have been in this situation before. I think r downfall here is not talking. Sorry if my answer is a little bias or sexist. Lets face it ladies can share their feelings better than men. If ya wanna talk sometime let me know.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 November 2010):
You need to say more about what you think it is about the way you have been that has made the women leave you, for us to give advice as to how they moved on in this way.
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