A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Why is it seen as such a HUGE deal BY WOMEN if a guy wants to experiment with another guy?Girls can already agree that that most, if not many guys LIE and CHEAT, is it so hard to believe that they can fuse those two together and TRY, just TRY another guy? Mind you, I don’t go around lying and cheating, but I am very sure if guys were to TELL their girl friends most of them would immediately freak and break up with them. When you highlight the FACT that many women have experimented with girls, like kissing, oral, full blown sex, they brush it off and act like THAT’S fine but it’s unacceptable the other way around. Honestly I believe that why its “harder” to come across a lesbian by pointing randomly in a crowd rather than a gay guy because 1) Woman can have loads of experiences with girls and still be consider 100% straight and 2) I honestly believe that because they get the chance to experiment so much it’s easier for them to desire a man in the long run. A girl can make out in a mall full of people and people cheer about how hot it is (I don’t find it all that hot but it’s ok if she wants to try it outside the relationship of course, same goes for me) but if a guy does it in a park, they village people come out with their forks and torches. Guys don’t get that freedom. If I smoked a few cigarette then stopped and never smoked again, does that make me a smoker? If I smoke weed a few times then stop does that make me a weed-head? If I get drunk 2 weeks in a row then stop completely does that make me an alcoholic? If a gays guy has a few flings with a straight girl out of curiosity does that magically make him straight? I am so sick of the hypocrisy most women show towards it. Hell, you cant even talk to them about it because they will judge you just the same. Now, I get why men LIE sooooooo much to women. I AM NOT SAYING IT IS RIGHT, I just understand why they do it. Woman find it very hard to appreciate when a guy STOPS to tell them the truth sometimes. The average guy curious guy would just keep that secret to the grave. I know curious/bi people who said they would let hell freeze before they tell certain people about their experiments. Women keep putting guys on these pedestals as if they are Greek gods or something, like we need to swing from trees and bear our hairy chest to the world before we are considered perfection. We’re humans too. We’ll walk on the same road of life as you. Girls sure as hell don’t like being on pedestals so why do it the other way around.Take smoking for instance. I know smoking is bad for your health and I would warn people against it, still do, but deep inside me I wanted to try it, just try it. We all know we tend to want to do things were are told not to do. So one day I got two cigarette and smoked them. Mission complete. Never did it again, because I had do interest to, my curiosity quota on smoking was filled. Just like I have done with other things in my life. Why do you think so many teens disobey their parents. It’s an urge to live life and try new things. I was one of those kids who obeyed my parents with a capital O and until this day have regretted it. IF I had a time machine.... Personally, I know A LOT of guys who want to experiment. I can tell by their body language or some of them could just be flat out gay but it doesn’t mean I like women any less. Hence, in turn most of these guys sleep with men behind women’s backs. I honestly believe that some men are so consumed with not getting the chance to act on it they just one day believe they are gay because the urge for it has become so strong that they become it. That’s my opinion, putting the “born that way theory” aside for minute.I once saw this TV show where they wanted to give a woman a makeover and noticed that she ALWAYS wore red shoes, every single day. When they asked her why she was so attached to them she said “Because my mother never allowed me to ever wear red shoes when I was little.” Now if that woman’s mother allowed her wear red shoes as a child, do you think she would have a care to wear them every day as an adult? Most likely not. She had a desire for it that was never fulfilled.So let me stop blabbering and just get some honest answers from women all over the word. Why sooooo judgemental about it? Why does he suddenly become tainted? I even know lesbians...LESBIANS, who are against it. It is so stressful. And if you were in a long term relation with a great guy would you want to know or preferred if he kept his mouth shut?(This is not meant to mean experimenting while in a relationship with someone else. It’s supposed to reflect on experimenting in general or as a past experience.)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): This is a subject that requires an article. Feelings can get seriously hurt.
I am a gay man. I had my first sexual experiences with women,and found them pleasurable; but not fulfilling.
I didn't "switch." The attraction to men was always there; and I simply suppressed my urges. I never judged anyone else for it; nor did I feel the need to immediately act on my sexual impulses.
I felt I needed to come to terms with who I am; and what I needed to fulfill me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.
I have a very religious and spiritual upbringing. Therefore; the usual threats against the salvation of my soul were drilled into me by people who were more intolerant, than truly Christian. I say this because I witnessed their behavior, and "judged them" by their deeds.
I needed to mature and pursue my sexual desires based on an understanding of who I am as a person; and alleviate my own prejudices created by ignorance and misinformation.
I didn't want to confuse myself, or abuse my sexuality. Least of all, I didn't want to jeopardize my health. AIDS was a serious and deadly threat when I came out. It still is, but it is no longer a death-sentence. That makes it no less of a threat. It IS a death-sentence to those who are not careful, and do not get tested.
When I could accept myself, and admit to myself that I am gay. I could live freely and not allow words of hatred to force me into hiding and lying. I didn't wave a banner above my head declaring to all the world; nor do I deny it if I am asked. It's just private and shared with those who need to know. Not those who don't care to.
People have differing opinions about coming out. They are entitled to their opinions. I do what's right for me, and help others. However; they must be free to live their lives as they choose. I don't advocate when, where, or how you come out. I advise people how to handle it, if they do.
Even if it means being in the closet for the rest of their lives. People have the right to;if they can comfortably live that way. However; I don't condone their hypocrisy. Any active condemnation and oppression of others who are openly gay.
I do not condone men who lie to women; and create false relationships based on deception. I never will.
Tell her, and give her the option to accept, or decline being in a relationship. She has the right. NO...deceivers get no support or empathy here!
I don't believe in men who live on the down-low, and do not practice safe-sex; and endanger the lives of women, or other partners. Slithering around like snakes, and secretly doing the nasty with men; then pretending to be straight. Even gay-bashing,to protect their hidden desires for other men. They live in a twisted state of denial, and they're dangerous.
They negatively stigmatize the gay community. By reinforcing the false assumption that gay people creep around consciously and irresponsibly infecting innocent people with the HIV virus and STD's.
That we stereotypically and indiscriminately sleep around and are promiscuous by nature. BIG FAT LIES!!! THERE IS NO STATISTICAL EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT SUCH A MYTH!!!
Men are men, regardless of their sexual orientation; and practice the same unacceptable behavior common to our gender.
Men are generally conscious of our sexual nature and eager to satisfy our sexual appetites!!! Women are too, but it's not as sanctioned by society and culture. That doesn't mean they yield to the biases and prejudices of men. They do as they please; in spite of it.
However; there are exceptions, and there are many gay men who are sexually reckless. They pay a heavy price for it too. Physically, psychologically, and sometimes with their lives. Just like heterosexual men and women.
Not to dismiss the freaking lie that gays go around trying to seduce or recruit innocent children.THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!!!
Meant to create hysteria and unsubstantiated fear!
The reason women are judgmental is; because they don't want to be deceived. They do no want to invest their feelings in that which is not true.
They want to form their relationships based on the truth about the man that they love. They want their trust substantiated.
DON'T WE ALL?
I am rarely judged as negatively by women as I am by some straight men. In fact, I can't recall any particular time.
I have found that to be extremely diminished among straight guys. Straight guys just aren't that threatened anymore. They just don't want to be approached sexually by other men.
I don't want to be sexually approached by straight men; thinking they can play on me, what they can't get away with another straight man. I am insulted when ugly fat bald straight men, act as if any gay man would want him simply "because he is male." No more than every women would want him for the same reason. We set a higher standard on male appearance than women. Believe me!
I think women might be prone to judge you sexually experimenting with another man; because they know how to compete with other women. It's hard to develop a weapon of defense against men looking for men. We are biologically different. They think we instinctively know the weaknesses of other men; and use that knowledge for the purpose of seduction. That's not how it works.
However; we do know how a good BJ feels, and use that to our advantage. We don't have to deal with the awkwardness of a strap-on. Nature has already equipped us in that area. Some better than others. Gay men might be more likely to feel that size matters than women. Well...that issue is debatable.
NOT!!!
However; we men confuse women on how we think. They can't get inside our heads to figure us out. So they feel they're on the outside looking in. That creates a frustration that is difficult to get around. We can't figure them out either.
Being physiologically and emotionally different from men; they may feel at a disadvantage, where homosexuality among men is concerned. They want the ability to cure it. Some gay men are pretty hot. Even if I do say so myself.
Women realize the sensations of gay-male sex; isn't the same as heterosexual sex. They know they don't possess the physical attributes necessary to counteract the competition with a male, for another male. We have a penis, and that is our tool of sexual attraction.
We have a anus, that substitutes for a vagina. They don't have an appendage other than a finger to counter in substitution. We can still offer the same. We can appear like them, sound like them, and behave like them. Transsexual females can have a vagina constructed (at huge expense) to look and feel like nature's creation. That is off-putting; even to some gay males.
As far as experimentation with other men. More men have, than will ever admit it. It is part of establishing sexual identity; but all men are not up for experimenting sexually with other men. They just won't cross that line; even with a gun to their head. Prison is a different story.
It may cross their minds as a passing curiosity; but the vast majority will "never" act on such an impulse. They can't accept it, and maintain a healthy feeling about their sexual orientation. Where some can, and have;yet never try it again.
They may do it from time to time, as the urge hits them; but they have a preference. That might be overwhelmingly for women. Due to psychological conditioning; they find it too difficult to form a lasting emotional bond, or attachment to another man. They fear the judgment and stigma of being "gay."
Yet they are capable; if they really want to. They just don't prefer to complicate their lives that way. Yet the attraction to men is undeniable, and ingrained. Regardless of what they claim. Like gay men who experiment with women, and never do it again. Curiosity satisfied, no further inclination to try again. Nature prevails. Yet we can bond very closely to women emotionally. Without sex.
Straight men are strictly heterosexual (with the capacity to deviate). Gay men are strictly homosexual; and unlikely to desire women. Yet have the capacity to emulate heterosexuality with a woman. They may desire having a family and appearing straight so strongly; they will do whatever it takes. Like a straight male prostitute can be gay for pay. It's mind-manipulation.
That doesn't necessarily mean bisexual men are hiding in the closet, nor conflicted about their sexual-identity. They simply like what they like; but cater to their stronger sexual desire toward females. Desire for other males can diminish as time passes.
In effect, they may live a totally heterosexual life-style. Never again pursuing sex with men; because the desire just isn't that prevalent. They can literally take, it or leave it. That is the nature of bisexuality, in some cases.
Which is where I think you're coming from.
I now exclusively desire men; because that is my practiced and established sexual-orientation. I can no longer go back and forth. It was my nature from the very start. I had the benefit of knowing the pleasure of women; and can base my advice on real knowledge. Not conjecture and speculation.
I instinctively stare at women's butts, legs, and boobs. I think that's naturally wired in men; regardless of sexual orientation. I still appreciate a curvy female form. I can't help it. I just don't crave to touch a vagina. Sorry, ladies!
If you want to experiment; it shouldn't matter what other people think. They don't rule your thoughts or your behavior. You do.
It does matter if you misrepresent yourself. Many men lie and hide things to create false images of themselves. If that's your mission, don't cross the line. Stay exactly where you are.
Don't think you can dip and dabble, and play games to create confusion and exploit people. Sending mixed signals in order to manipulate. It will backfire.
Some people are simply open-minded and don't just do whatever their impulses drive them to do. That's where I fall. I respond only to my natural and affirmed instincts. I do what I deem to be safe and comfortable for my mental health. I do have morals, and do set boundaries.
I am adamantly against pedophilia, bestiality, rape, child pornography, and any twisted harmful psychotic criminal behavior seeking legitimacy in the natural order. They don't get one iota of my support. These offenses are neither representative, nor akin to homosexuality.
I'd see them burn in hell, before I defend them in any way. The depraved who abuse and feed on innocence or weakness, do not encompass homosexuality. I do not care what haters try to preach; and drill into the minds of the mainstream. I'll be judged by no one but GOD! If I break the law; by a jury of my peers and an appointed judge, in a court of law.
Not some bigoted dick or Jane, with an opinion.
Haters convinced millions Jews had no right to live. They convinced people slavery was sanctioned by the Bible. They twist minds into intolerance and hatred; even when all people are capable of abominations and sin. Point one finger, and three point back!
No particular group is chosen among mankind and given the right to decide who should be persecuted. For no other reason but their fear, ignorance, and hatred.
ALL PEOPLE are sinful, and should be punished according to their crimes against humanity.
We all deserve the opportunity to atone for our sins or crimes. Not be condemned by people who think they were chosen by their own beliefs, to judge on God's behalf.
Stick to the doctrine of man's written law. That's as far as "our" moral judgement goes toward others. Lest we be judged.
I think sex is more than just something to play with. There should be emotional attachment. Simply exploiting another human being for no other reason, but sexual pleasure; is limited and shallow. Empty. However; not deciding to form commitments with everyone we have sex with, doesn't apply here. Sometimes attraction is limited.
Experimentation, is for the purpose of knowledge. To form opinion based on fact. If that's your purpose, go for it.
Not because; "if it feels good, do it." That's reckless and self-destructive behavior. Void of common-sense and morality.
Part of sexual development is coming to terms with our orientation. We will not fall in love with everyone we share our bodies with. We should have some emotion about it. We are the higher life-form on the planet; with a conscience and a sense of right and wrong.
A sense of mercy and decency. We have instincts; but we can also control them. We can create laws and enforce them; with the use of logic and compassion.
If you do decide to experiment. It is possible that you may develop feelings. So bare that in mind.
You have to first be attracted, in order to pursue your desire for another man.
It is not as mechanical as you imply. You don't just want to touch another man; without the capacity to feel for another man. Humans aren't wired that way.
If we can derive physical pleasure with another human being; it follows that we can also develop some limited emotional attachment. Maybe not for that particular partner at the time; but for someone who touches us in a special way. If we are completely void of feeling; that is usually an indication there is some psychological, or emotional disorder at play.
Don't just bend whichever way the wind blows. You are a human-being. The person you experiment has feelings.
You should make sure that there is a full understanding between you. There is the likelihood there will be no emotional-attachment; and that you are both on the same page about that.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 January 2014):
I think other men will be even more judgemental than women, at least straight men.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (1 January 2014):
Dear OP,
I wouldn't mind at all if a guy had experimented with other guys or would like to do so. Actually, I find it rather sexy if a guy admits to such experiments and it's a plus to me, when I meet someone who is bi-curious or bisexual.
Maybe that's because I am bisexual and also hope to find a bisexual partner. Because I'd rather deal with the possible complications of a partner with more diverse desires than feeling judged because of my so-called "confusedness". To me, it's not about becoming swingers or having an open relationships, although I don't say "never" on that matter ;). It's about having someone who is open-minded and makes me feel understood.
So, not all of us women think alike. But it probably takes more time and effort to find someone who understands and accepts you the way you are. Regardless of any girls' opinion, I encourage you to do EXACTLY what you want to do. If you are true to yourself, your chances of finding someone who likes you are higher. Because if you life like you were someone else, how should people who think and feel like you find you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): not all women r like what u said. i'm not like that. and i believe that the woman who do this, are insecure about themselves.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I can't speak for all women either, but I think if you are up front that YOU are bi-sexual you are meeting the "wrong" kind of girls.
Don't forget, to date or marry a guy who had male experiences are for some women a kind of competition we can't compete with AT ALL. And then of course there is the cliche that the guy isn't really bi-sexual, he is gay but wants the "norm" life. Because it is the EASY way out ( or at least that is the assumption)
There are plenty of reasons why bisexual (of both gender) have problems being accepted by either gender.
What you need is to stop ASSUMING that EVERY women is going to have a problem with it. And when you met a girl if she has a problem with you being bi-sexual or bi-curious (call it whatever you want) then she isn't for you.
And I think you view on just how many women have had woman/woman experiences is a little skewered.
Consider some of the posts I have seen from women on here where their HUSBANDS decide to come out as bi-sexual or even gay after YEARS of marriage - do you think ANYONE would like to be in those shoes? Having build a family, home raising some kids and then all of a sudden your husband wants dick? How can you even compare to that? SO maybe the whole issue is that MOST people ASSUME that IF you are bi-curious your taste MIGHT change from women to men (or vice verse) later on and guess what? That might not be a gamble a woman/or man is willing to take on.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (1 January 2014):
I don't know why, but it's sad. There's such a double standard. Add to that the fact that most women freak the hell out if God forbid they find a little gay porn on the hubbys PC...no wonder men hide it and cover it up. It's creating more dysfunction.
I like you, believe most women AND men have some bi tendencies.
For what its worth, we're not all like that. My own husband is bi, I have no fears at all that he will cheat, and I find his sexual openness so hot! We watch porn together and I would not at all be opposed to a three way with another man. Maybe we'll get there someday, for now it's just great that we both love and accept each other unconditionally.
May you find the same someday.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I think you're judgmental yourself, if you go around thinking all girls experiment with other girls. This is what bisexuals do, for most part, not heterosexuals. However, some heterosexual girls are encouraged to kiss another girl just because a guy has seen it in porn and asks for it. Or because they think it will turn the guy on. In which case, they do it not because they like doing it, but because they hope to achieve the mans attention.
So, your argument is fragile at best.
Why do people look down on men experimenting with men? Because homosexuality and bisexuality at large hasn't been accepted in society. Don't take it out on women, men play their part in discriminating against homosexuals as well.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I am not judgmental so I can't speak for all women. My ex husband had been sucked by his landlord (before we met) and I was not turned off by it. I honestly feel that the gender construct is so restrictive that it makes people sad, even for cisgender people.
I think the judgment stems from the big AIDS scare from 1985. The risk for female to female sex is none. When men experiment with guys, or worse to say, have their orifices stuffed, it's emasculating them. For women, there is no equivalent term.
What is it about sodomy that is scary? In lesbians they seldomly toy with that area right? Sodomy existed in ancient history. If a child was sodomized before the age of three that child would be . . um I am afraid to say it in this column because people would find me crazy. It is not just about sex but control and power. Throughout the years there has always been taboo about anal sex. I don't have extensive knowledge in this area but I know it does something to your psyche.
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