A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Another woman here who had found out her husband who claimed toNot use porn had been jerking off to women online. I've read and read and whilst the experts seem to point out the dangers , the general advice from people online is that it's just a normal guy thingFor men to support this industry that portrays women as a series of holes for men's pleasure. To all the people who say porn is ok and just meeting a mans need for visual stimulation?What about women's emotional needs . The need for her man to forsake all others ( including getting off to some naked porn star)Why are mens sexual needs considered the ultimate importance whilst women who feel disrespected and hurt by herPartners porn use so often told its ok
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2015): "The past is not relevant"? Ha!
Go ask a few guys who feel terrible retroactive jealousy because of lying partners if the past is not relevant to the present. Take a hard, honest, fair look at some of their stories and then tell me they aren't showing signs of PTSD over those "irrelevant" problems.
Or do "illogical emotional issues" only matter when its women feeling them? What is technically logical about being so upset that your partner is looking at digital images? (See? I can cruelly brush off some of the most painful things in your life, too!)
Either way the core problem is the lying. Lying about porn is wrong just like lying about your past sex life is wrong. Once the relationship is formed through lies there is realistically no way to fix it, one partner just remains permanently hurting. That is why lying in the beginning is a SERIOUS, SERIOUS PROBLEM. Neither side should get a pass for it.
A
female
reader, Womenwithwords +, writes (22 March 2015):
The past is the past and nor relevant to a current relationship whereas pirn
Use that has been agreed to not happen and then does behind the other partners back is complete deception
Quite different
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2015): To all of you who say "men should never lie about porn", do you say the same thing when a woman lies about her sexual history to a men because he "cannot handle it"?
Neither side SHOULD lie. But its understandable why both sides have such a bad habit of telling these lies.
Both sides think if something doesn't bother them then it shouldn't bother their partner either. Its all just people who would rather take their partner's choice than take responsibility for their sexual habits.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 March 2015):
 A female reader, anonymous
I think you misunderstood me.
You write **Many men lie to save there own skins. Many men lie about porn because they have misrepresented their true interest in porn to their partners and have blatantly agreed it will not be part of their lives and then sneak around**
What I said was, I HATE a guy LYING about using porn MORE then I hate porn usage.
I said **SO many men who rather LIE about it because they think that is what the partner wants to hear.**
BECAUSE they PUT themselves first. THEY want to BE with said woman, she says I don't want porn in out relationship so he says Oh I don't do porn. I'm NOT blaming women here. I'm saying that LYING about is what I find MOST detestable.
If a GUY says:" OH I NEVER watch porn!" because he KNOWS the woman doesn't like it - he is TWICE as messed up, because 1. he is lying (which to me a BIG no-no in a relationship) and 2. he claims to stand for something that he isn't.
If I wasn't OK with my hubby making his own "moral" choices and I did NOT want a guy who likes porn, I would NEVER have dated him. We DID actually talk about this while dating. He had done some "home videos" with his ex that she had threaten to sell (and she did later on). Had he lied to me about it and waited to do it till AFTER we got married or had had out first child I would actually have left him. BECAUSE he lied to me and deceived me.
I would NEVER tell a woman that she should just accept that "boys will be boys and they are visual creatures and MUST have porn" because that is a LOAD of horse manure.
WE ALL know that people can live happy and healthy lives (including a good sex life) without porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2015): Honey pie you Saying men lie because thats what their partners want to hear . I appreciate that You personally are happy with your partner watching porn but let's be honest here. Many men lie to save there own skins. Many men lie about porn because they have misrepresented their true interest in porn to their partners and have blatantly agreed it will not be part of their lives and then sneak around My point was always that this ONLY applies in cases where a woman makes it clear she does not want a relationship with a porn user and he agrees , only for her to later find out he has been hiding it all along. Just as men have the right to choose whether or not they are happy to masterbate to images of other women, women also have the right to say whether or not they are comfortable with that as part of a relationship and sorry but men have no god given right to lie . They cannot simply justify it by saying ' oh I told her this , I represented myself in this way and this woman then married me and had my children. Now I can do as I like and tell her what I think she wants to hear because I am a man'Men, just like women, should be expected to be honorable and truthful. Is it good enough for a woman to have an affair and lie about it claiming ' oh I only told him what he wants to hear' ???? No! If agreements are made they should be honoured and for a man to trick a woman that way is immoral If they want porn and use porn they have an obligation to be honest so that women can make informed choices Not all women are happy to build a life with a man who supports this industry or will not truly forsake all others . Regardless of her reasons , a woman has much right to refuse a relationship with a porn user . For those who say all men use it. They must also I understand that if more women expected honesty and integrity and they couldn't all skulk around with it .. Men may reconsidered when a huge number of women then made it very clear they are not interested because of if This whole acceptance and attitude of women being 'cool'' with porn is just one more example of women's insecurities in holding men to the same standards of honesty and integrity let's be honest here. Many men lie to save there own skins. Any men lie about porn because they have misrepresented tbeir true interest in it up their partners and have blatantly agreed it will be part of their lives and then sneak around My point was always that this ONLY applies in cases where a woman makes it clear she does not want a relationship with a porn user . Just as men have the right to choose whether it not they are happy to masterbate to images of other women, women also have the right to say whether or not they are comfortable with that as part of a relationship and sorry but men have no god given right to lie . They cannot somply justify it by sayong ' oh I told her this , I represented myself in this way and this woman then married me and had my children. Now I can do as I like and tell her what I think she wants to heat because I am a man'Men, just like women should be expected to be honorable as should woman . If they want porn and use porn gbey have an obligation to be honest so that women can make informed cboices Not all women are happy to build a life with a man who supports this industry or will not truly forsake all others . Regardless of her reasons , a woman has much right to refuse a relationship with a porn user . For those who say all men use it. They must also I understand that if more women expected honesty and integrity and they couldn't all skulk around with it .. Men may reconsidered when a huge number of women then made it very clear they are not interested because of if This whole acceptance and attitude of women being 'cool'' with porn is just one more example of women's insecurities in holding men to the same standards of honesty and integrity
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2015):
 I wanted to address this said by the female anon who said this:
"Most men in my experience lie to the women in their lives and either claim to not use oorn and hide it ir pretend they simply don't want it"
This is a different issue, and in my opinion, it's absolutely reprehensible when a guy does this. If a guy is going to use porn, at least have the guts to admit it and let the woman make her decision on whether or not it's a dealbreaker.
It's really not cool to lie about that sort of thing. I've heard guys act like a woman cut their leg off if a woman lied about being a virgin, so why is there a double standard of justifying lying to a woman about porn use???
You want to partake in frequent porn?? Fine! But don't lie to a woman about it and then have her catch you later and act like she's got a problem. There was a long thread on here about that exact thing, and many men justified their hiding their habit and lying or understating it because she "wouldn't be with me if she knew". Well??
Honesty is absolutely a must. If you lie about your porn use, you deserve every ounce of anger or betrayal a woman throws at you for lying to her and she catches you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2015):
I'm not a fan of porn, and I do not watch it. THAT is MY personal choice. MINE. I have quite the creative imagination.
My husband DOES watch it (occasionally) but unless I went snooping on his computer I'd never know what he watches or how often. I don't BELIEVE it's MY job as a wife to police my husband or his porn usage. I do not own his sexuality. And I do NOT find it a problem in my marriage, as he has never chosen porn over intimacy with me.
I don't think PORN is a good thing. I don't believe that MEN NEEDS porn. It's a choice. Kind of like any other vice/habit. And I DO think a LOT of porn is harmful. I think young men and young women not only get desensitized to REAL sex and intimacy, but they also buy into all kind of porn fiction crap. Case in point, smacking the woman on the bum (not all women like that, some find it offensive) or ejaculating on her face/breasts (again not all women like that) calling her names during sex, like whore or slut (again... you know the drill). Most porn is MADE by men, FOR men and it's all about showing MEN having the power and upper hand. And don't EVEN get me started on basic human rights and porn. Girls/women being trafficked for pron and sex like they are a toy doll from the dollar bin. So I'm in NO WAY shape or form defending pron, but I am defending a man's (and woman's) right to set their OWN moral compass for what they will accept.
As for you OP, you won't accept porn in a relationship/marriage so your best bet is to FIND a man who feels the same way. THEY do exist.
For me, personally, I would RATHER he (the partner) watches is discretely than LIE to me saying OH I DON'T watch that.... Because there are SO many men who rather LIE about it because they think that is what the partner wants to hear.
Stick to what you want. Don't settle for less.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2015):
 As a woman who does not mind porn use I do not see how a man's sexual needs are being met while my emotional needs are not.
The two are not mutually exclusive you can have both being met.
What about when a woman's sexual needs need to be met and the man is not capable... then what?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 March 2015):
 This might be a drastic thing to say, but many men don't look at women's needs as real concerns. Women who complain at home when they have female friends are whiny ninnines. Only priviledged women, well fed women care about them while the rest of the world are so happy that their men are able to make money and send some home. Emotional needs are considered high up in rungs of the happiness ladder. It's only when survival needs and sexual needs are covered, then you have room to look at spiritual stuff such as emotional needs. You would see that only women in happiest affluent countries, equal status talk about these. It's an evolution thing too. Your great grand parents probably didn't talk about emotional needs even though they had had good relationships but rather like comrades working on a farm or something.
Then you would ask, how come men are able to take care of emotional needs when dating, but not after marriage?
For men, taking care of emotional needs does not come from their natural behavior. They do it in order to chase women. After they get what they want they get comfortable. It becomes an effort especially when the world's focus is making money and saving it. As we evolve, we realize what we need in order to have good quality sex although in many countries women just give husbands sex regardless of how neglected they feel at heart. For men, sex is important at 18 and at 70, whether they have the resources to get and keep women.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Most men in my experience lie to the women in their lives and either claim to not use oorn and hide it ir pretend they simply don't want it even in case where a woman attempts to engage in open and non judgmental communication about porn it seems they so often want to keep this as a secret solo activity. No wonder many women feel hurt
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): I've found that a lot of people using this site are pro-porn. What saddens me about this is the short-sightedness involved; it's as if porn has never affected our children growing up - it's so easy for them to access porn online and increasing numbers of child sex abuse cases are linked to online porn. As well as this, you get women writing into this site about issues to do with their appearance, quite unaware that a lot of advertising targets women and the images involved are very coercively sexualised, which causes women to become self-conscious about their appearance but without realising that they are bombarded with what's almost soft-porn images loaded into advertisements for things like shampoo or chocolate.One thing that gives me hope is that I work as a lecturer at uni and there's a real growing awareness amongst the girls in particular about feminism and the effects of porn onto the male mindset. They are much more aware than previous generations, but there's a very, very long way to go towards raising awareness of the bigger picture regarding porn and I sometimes despair when I read this site and realise that those who are pro-porn are simply not interested in the larger consequences. It especially saddens me when this attitude comes from the older generation who think that it helps towards a liberal society free from repression.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2015):
This has nothing to do with whose needs are more important.
I don't care for porn, but I don't feel like my husband is cheating when he uses it as a solo masturbatory tool. He will never meet these women, will never touch these women, and it's their anonymous images that stimulate him. I will never look or act like a porn star, but they do not threaten me in the least.
He isn't threatened because I use sex toys when I solo-play either. There are guys out there who feel threatened by vibrators and other things as well, even not wanting to use their tongues or hands because they feel that only their penis should give a woman pleasure. We use sex toys together, and I use them on my own. Detachable massaging shower heads (that and jacuzzis themselves) are orgasmic titans of awesomeness! I'm not cheating on my husband's penis by indulging myself, and he's not cheating on me watching porn images on his own time either.
The way I feel - our sexual needs are even Steven. Emotional needs? The guy is awesome! He's my husband and best friend. I'm there for him and he's there for me. We're not perfect, and we both have cranky days, but who doesn't?
The problems start in a marriage when sex starts becoming a power or manipulation issue. I made a vow that I would never ever USE sex as a reward or manipulation tactic and I would never withhold sex for the same reason. Sex should be free and open communication and intimacy. Once it starts getting used to control behavior or get things or try to change behavior, the marriage is all but doomed.
Well, you need to find someone you're sexually compatible with. There are guys out there who are NOT into porn and who don't like it in their lives. It's not okay to change a guy any more than it okay for a guy to lie and say he's not into porn when he is. No one owns another's private sexuality as long as it doesn't involve cheating. You need a guy who sees porn as cheating the same way you do, and you need to respect people who don't see porn as cheating. Many of the aunts on here don't see porn as cheating, and their advice reflects their beliefs and opinions.
Getting upset and hurt by a partner's porn watching is one thing. But what you're describing as emotional needs can have the danger to potentially drift into emotional blackmail. True emotional needs are whether he listens to you, is there for you, goes on dates with you, supports your hopes and dreams, loves you and desires you, is engaged in raising the kids.
I'm not talking about porn addiction, where overuse causes imbalance in a partnership, where it causes ED, loss of libido, and a host of other issues similar to other kinds of addiction. Then the argument would be the same as social drinking vs. alcoholism, healthy eating vs. overeating/gluttony vs. anorexia/bulemia, a doctor's medical treatment vs. drug abuse, a hobby versus an obsession, occasional trips to the mall vs. shopping addiction/hiding purchases or credit cards, or a fun night in Vegas vs. a gambling addiction. Let me be very clear on that point.
You are NOT talking about emotional needs. What if the guy was talking about HIS emotional needs being met in telling his partner how to dress and how not to? As in - he controls it because he doesn't like the level of male attention she gets when she has the "little black dress" on or he forbids her to go to a pool or the beach because she's in a bathing suit or bikini? There are guys who think this way - that she's "asking" for other guys to look at her. What if he said his emotional needs aren't met by his wife's shopping habits or by what she does or doesn't do at home, so he takes all of the bank cards and restricts her trips away from home and demands she cooks, cleans, does NOT work, and so on??
You'd call this guy controlling, wouldn't you?? I'm not calling YOU controlling, UNLESS you try to force someone who doesn't feel the same way you do about porn to comply with your wishes under the label "emotional needs". If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd crucify a guy who forced a girl to dress the way HE believes she should.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Personally I don't think porn can ever be a substitute for real sex. It only becomes a substitute when real partner is absent or no longer is desirable sexually as is in most long term marriages.This brings us to the eternal question, is the male species monogamous or polygamous by nature ? It seems from examples from the animal world he is created polygamous by nature.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): It is very offensive when people justify mens porn use by saying that they women are not real because they ARE real !!! They are real people and men are chosing to mastirbate over them instead of the women they claim to love and forsake all others for
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (19 March 2015):
 Hi OP,Most men today have no idea what their sexual need is, or how to satisfy their sexual needs. Fantasy has become the biggest and dumbest selling feature today. Why have what you have when you can fantasize about everyone else. If you are to LAZY to satisfy your partner...masturbate...WOW.This is why women should never have sex with men unless the man has proven he is ready to give the woman he is with his all, and I do mean all his attention and love. Not attention to the net and love for his hand.I have never seen a vagina that looks like a hand in real life. Women choose to masturbate and buy toys because the men today favour fantasy over the real thing...dumbass.I do not blame men too much...why? Because most men are not thought by their mothers how to treat a woman. And most women today think giving a man sex is a way to keep that man...so wrong. If the man has not work for it, do not give it...even if it takes mouths or years. Then the woman says "But if I don't someone else will give it to him." Then he didn't love you in the first place. If a man leaves you because you did not give him sex, guess what he wanted???If every woman denied sex to a man until he does the work...Just imagine how the world would be?? Men pleasing their woman's every need, for the chance of her gift to us. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Thanks , OP here and yes I undrstabd what your saying about people finding it hard to meet emotional need but my question is more about why some women who have a need for a man who does jerk off to other women's naked bodies are trivialised ( despite the fact that's an emotional need for some women) whilst we are so often td men have a need for visual variety
This seems a double standard in the extreme.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): I am sorry you are hurt by this. You are not alone. Most women feel this way. It makes you question his love for you and your own self esteem takes a big hit. You wonder if you are pretty enough for him, if he has lost interest, if you are too old, too fat, too this, too that... We women take it personally. We want to feel like we are the centre of our man's universe. That no other woman does it for him. I understand that. But it isn't reality.Men are men. I do not want to excuse their behaviour but they are. Their looking at porn has nothing to do with their love for their wives or girlfriends. The porn is separate. It is kept in its own place. In its own time. Just a fantasy. An escape. Remember it is NOT REALITY. These women are not real. He does not know these women. He is not emotionally attached to any of them. He is however emotionally attached to YOU. They are just a means to an end. They are all a dime a dozen. Look the same. Act the same. Perform for the camera the same. Wham, bam, done. Over. Then it is all out of his head. It does not linger. They are just breathing blow up dolls. No competition for you in any way. They have nothing to do with you. In fact, they are the ones who should have low self worth. Men do view porn even when they are sexually satisfied with their partners. Never take it personally. Women look a porn too even when they are in relationships. It is not as talked about but it definitely is the case. Have you ever discussed watching a porn together? Instead of him watching alone?I am curious. What exactly does he watch? Couples having sex? Women masturbating? Do you know?Just remember almost all men view porn, married or otherwise. It's just something they do. And it has nothing to do with his love and attraction to you. Sometimes they just want a quick outlet, something different. They just want to release tension and that is a quick fix. They have no emotions attached. Remember that. NO EMOTIONS. But do talk to him and tell him how his watching porn makes you feel. Hopefully he respects your feelings enough to do so in a way that is not so obvious? Because I am doubtful he will stop. Just maybe do it so that you have no idea or evidence so it will not make you feel so bad.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 March 2015):
Men's sexual needs are not more important than women's emotional needs. It's that emotional needs are hard to define, not as straight forward as just allowing sex to happen. Every woman is different. Some women think it's listening about her day, caring about her day, while others think it's the little things such as writing little sweet notes and put them in her purse, on a dinner table, etc. Emotional needs also require you to tune into a person so you know what they want at any give time.
Men are taught how to survive in the business world and how to act masculine. It's when they get married that they realize how deficient they are when it comes to meeting emotional needs. Learning how to take care of a woman is a life time art. It is not as easy and quickly gratifying as clicking a button on a computer then getting entertainment by all kinds of images.
Getting a man to tune into a woman's world is also a challenge because it requires them to open up emotionally. It is a scary world for them and some even think it is not a manly thing to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): Porn does not have to be a relationship problem. It becomes a problem when the two partners cannot reach & abide by an agreement about their rules for it. Some couples allow it. Some don't. Some allow it when the other partner isn't interested in real sex. Or only when the other partner is not around to see it. Or only if they ARE around, to feel like they are participating. Etc. People just need to find a compromise they can live with.
As for the raw existence of porn,
Why are romance novels & trashy gossip & chick-flicks okay, and porn is different? Women usually respond to sexual stimulation in these forms more than purely visual.
Men jerked off thinking about other women before porn. Men will keep doing it without porn. Controlling the images a man looks at while he is home alone will not control what he thinks about. He may still think about his wife even when looking at porn for that matter.
There is also a female porn fan community ready to defend it for their own enjoyment. Porn fans are predominantly male but not all.
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