A
female
age
30-35,
*hattothink
writes:My finance and myself have been together for almost 3 years; long story short..When we met i seen history of porography on his computer; in the past year i have caught from history finders and my computer skills him looking up stuff. He said when we got together he wouldn't look at it anymore and that i distracted him from all the negative stuff that made him want to look at it when he was "bored" "lonely" or to "take his mind off things" I dont know how to explain that it makes me sad to know he does it behind my back when i am ..TMI im sorry but always willing for him, even when im not finishing myself. i have tried to spunk things up in our sex life, he has a thing with "public nudity". Sometimes i find myself trying to think of things just to get him turned on and myself i am turned on just by feeling his body on mine or just attraction from being in love and physical. Are men different than females in that section of the brain? Why do i think everytime he goes in the bathroom with his phone or computer that thats what he is doing? When i was pregnant it made me feel like i wasn't good enough, and now it makes me push away from what we could have in the bedroom. Right now, he is taking a shower... what else is he doing? thats why i am writing i cant understand how he cant be physically and mentally attracted to me from being in love. What happened to the take your time and caress every inch of the female...make LOVE. sometimes i feel the only time he is givin me full attention is when he wants to get busy and if i dont....im thinkin whats he doing? it upsets me to tears to think that he does that i guess because he trys to hide it? any advice on what to do. i have told him mulitple times and expressed my emotions about it through tears; perhaps not good enough. i do believe that he thinks i think thats what he is doing...why are men so sneaky sometimes? he says he is a man and men think differently everyyyyy man does that...?!?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2011):
 I've never had a man SNEAK porn or masturbating. Maybe because I ACCEPT both of them as a fact of life. I have no problem with my man taking care of himself. He has no problem with me taking care of myself.
WE are open and honest about it, we even watch porn together. Sadly the type of porn that turns him on does NOTHING for me.... ROFL...
his watching porn and using it to acheive an orgasm has NOTHING to do with how much he loves me.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 October 2011):
 In order for porn to be natural for guys it would have had to appear without interference from society, which it obviously didn't. Making the argument that porn is natural makes as much sense as saying McDonalds is natural. Porn is a product, something manufactured and made to sell. How the leap from that to "natural" is made is beyond confusing.
Also the argument that it should be accepted because it's easy and feels good is not an argument at all as to why it should be accepted in a relationship. Cheating is also easy, feels good, and is actually a lot more "natural" than pornography.
Any man who says that all men use pornography is trying to normalize his own behavior in order to remove his own personal responsibility in that, because all men use it, he can't help himself and isn't responsible for his own actions. Not only is it false, but is is a sign of weak character to attempt to blame someone else for his own decisions. Not even close to all men use pornography. Around 70% of men use pornography regularly according to the Kinsey Institute, that leaves 30% of men who refuse.
Also the argument that men think differently is only true in the sense that men are told their whole lives that they are entitled to things such as pornography and grow up feeling that entitlement. There is much more research out there showing that men and women are wired the same than there is that we're wired differently. Pornography is not a need, it is a want and it is a drug.
How would he feel if he knew you were spending large amounts of time masturbating to men with six packs, hung like donkeys, lasting for an hour? My guess is crushed.
I always recommend to couples struggling with this that they read through the book The Porn Trap together. It talks a lot about why he feels a compulsive need to use pornography despite the fact that it's hurting you and how you can both work towards a solution that works for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): you are just way overthinking this
it is such a natural thing for guys
the reason he said he wouldn't do it anymore is probably because he just didn't want to hurt you.
honestly, it's not fair to date a guy and to expect him to never look at porn again. it's not realistic, and it's being completely inflexible and naieve.
also though, it is wrong for him to lie to you and say he is not looking at porn when he is.
but like I said, it is just a very natural (and easy) thing for guys to do. it is NOT because your body is not good enough for him.
my advice: you should cut him slack in the porn department and try to understand he will occasionally watch porn. however, you should make sure he understands that it was wrong of him to lie and that he needs to be honest with you.
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