A
female
age
51-59,
*urse39
writes:Ok. Here goes. I am totally depressed. I have been married for 13 years and have two wonderful kids. We haven't been happy in 6 years when I felt he had an affair. He would not admit and still denies but in my heart I know he did. But that's not what has me depressed. I fell in love with another man 2 and a half years ago and unfortunately he is also married with two kids. We work closely together he is a physician and I am a nurse. Neither of us have intentions of leaving our spouses because we both grew up in divorced homes and want more for our kids. But I feel so guilty towards my kids and his too. We both love each other and have tried to end this several times but we always end up back together. This affair is more than sexual we both are emotionally attached and are truly each others best friends. What do I do? I love him and desire more at times but I dont want to put my kids through a divorce? I hated the holidays as a child!! Help me understand what I need to do?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (11 October 2011):
You know how to stop, it's by quitting your job and if necessary relocating to a different city or state. There are solutions, you're just choosing not to take them. But that in itself says something. It says that you really are not emotionally ready to end the relationship with the other man. But you're not ready to end your marriage either. So you're faced with two choices, neither of which you're ready to do. You've already tried to end your affair numerous times, and failed. and you're not willing to go the extra step.
So to me that means that by process of elimination, you're down to your other option which is ending your marriage. Usually, once people tell their spouses that they've been cheating and no longer want to be married because they want to be with someone else, the divorce does proceed and there isn't this "tried to do it but ended up not after all" problem, as there is with trying to end your affair. Once you tell your husband that you've been unfaithful and really want to be with someone else instead, quite likely he will see to it that the divorce goes through. If he instead begs you to stay and not leave him, what he's really doing is begging you to change your feelings for the other man and for him. (I doubt your husband would beg you to stay married and continue cheating on him.) And you know that you can't do that because you've already tried.
"Neither one of us want to hurt our spouses but we can't seem to give up this relationship either. "
right now by staying in an affair you are already hurting your spouses, even if you don't get divorced from them. If you've already cultivated a strong bond with someone else, you're not able to commit yourself mentally to the relationship-aspect of your marriage. Being mentally and emotionally absent from the marriage certainly is having some negative emotional impact on your spouses already. your guilt is probably also making you behave differently around your husband than you otherwise would (unless you're a very good actor who can keep up an act 24/7 indefinitely). If your husband has sensed something and you deny that "anything is going on" then you're further hurting him because you're misleading him. This is a real and tangible hurt that he can and probably does already feel, not just an abstract concept.
therefore I think that not wanting to hurt your spouses is a poor reason to continue staying married if you're not going to give up your affair. I suspect the primary reason you're still with your spouses is not because you don't want to hurt them but because you fear your spouses' reactions and their anger at you for a long time to come and how this will make you feel. So in the end, it is for your own benefit, to avoid dreaded feelings within yourself, that you haven't told your spouses. Don't kid yourself that it's for your spouses' benefit that you're staying married to them, is all I'm saying. Recognize it for what it is, that it's just a lie you tell yourself to justify putting off or avoiding something that you dread and feel very anxious about. It's understandable to be paralyzed with inaction when faced with something that causes you to feel a lot of dread. But as a result - since you're not willing to end the affair - you're creating a bigger problem and running the risk that your spouses will find out anyway one of these days and the thing you feared the most (their reactions and attitudes toward you) would be much worse if you got caught out rather than having been honest.
at this point, since you've drawn a line in the sand that you're not willing to end your affair, I think that you should focus your energy on working up the courage to hurt your husband with the truth, and get divorced. If you simply are too terrified to get divorced, then you just have to end your affair and swallow whatever emotional pain that will bring. People go through break ups all the time, and experience the end of treasured relationships, and many of them do manage to move on. So can you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): Seriously, from my own perspective, if you are determined to achieve something you must invest your time and efforts to it.You have repeatedly said you want to end this affair but you have not yet made the effort to switch your job which would in turn help you cut ties with this MM.If you REALLY love and care about your children, you have to do this not for yourself but for them.Wish good luck.
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female
reader, Nurse39 +, writes (5 October 2011):
Nurse39 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. One comment was inquiring if this happens at work and it doesn't we were on a week training seminar when this originated. The issue of ending is a lot easier to say than do. We have broken it off on several occasions only to end back together. We both are leaders in the department. We are careful to only be together away when we travel or when our spouses travel out of town. It's not like we want to be in this but that our desire for each other goes beyond sex. We are emotionally connected also. I know I am doing my husband wrong but how do I stop when being with this man gives me peace, pleasure and honestly love. Neither one of us want to hurt our spouses but we can't seem to give up this relationship either. I Know I will never allow myself to get into this situation with another man. I just need to Know HOW to stop when we work so closely together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): as much as you don't want to be labeled as a bad mom for putting your kids through a divorce, I think this takes a backseat to the wrongness of being in an illicit affair and a being destructive to the marriage.
it's not immoral to get a divorce.
I believe it's also not immoral to divorce your spouse to be with someone else openly. (though many people do think so, but that's a gray area. I don't think it is if your relationship with your spouse is really bad and not going to get better no matter what)
But one thing that everyone is unanimous on is that for sure it IS immoral to be married and cheating on your spouse. This is lying and being dishonest. If you can't stay faithful to your spouse, then you should get a divorce and face whatever consequences result from that.
Divorce is not easy, no one who goes through it does so without feeling at least some pain and turmoil. but I think you really don't have a choice here...if the other man and yourself are very sure you love each other, then the only honest and decent thing to do is to divorce your spouses, take responsibility for the end of your marriages, and maybe some day be together truthfully finally. and not try to maintain a lie on the outside, while inside everything is crumbling.
but alas, in life there is no free lunch. divorcing and being with someone new won't make all your problems in the world go away. It will create new problems that don't as yet exist. such as how to deal with the fall out from your ex-spouse and in-laws, and how to deal with your kids' issues as a result of the divorce. the fears of these kinds of things happening has kept many miserable people in their miserable marriages for their entire lives. But at the same time they may be severely overblown in your mind. One of the worst things to live with is the constant knowledge that you're living a lie. If you divorce, your spouse will eventually move on even if it takes him a long time. Your kids will eventually grow up and deal with it in their own way even if it's not perfect (as you did). You can and should do what you can to help them with their healing process. But if you continue to live a lie so that others don't have to experience temporary pain, there's no moving forward and no moving on as long as that lie is still there.
you have to decide what you can and can't live with. You shouldn't try to predict what you think other people can and can't live with (such as your husband and kids), since you don't have access to someone else's mind and innermost feelings. For example if you had the different problem of having to relocate for work, you know your kids will be heartbroken at leaving their friends and familiar life behind. Yet, this doesn't stop parents from relocating for work. If it has to be done, it has to be done. So you should take the same attitude to your marriage/divorce. You can only make decisions based on your knowledge of yourself, and then do your best to help others through the pain that will be caused by your actions, because your actions are necessary given the extreme circumstances of the situation you're in now.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (3 October 2011):
Speaking as someone who was in a loveless marriage myself, I think the best thing for you to do is to seek a divorce. While you may feel you are doing right by your children in staying with your husband, what you are really doing is undermining the value of relationships. Eventually your children are going to find out that their parents "perfect" marriage was just an illusion. That you were just going through the motions, and not in love at all. What then? They'll be absolutely crushed. The reality is that the longer the charade is allowed to go on, the more damage is done.
Also, think about your depression. If your marriage hasn't improved in six years, then the odds are that it simply won't. You've definitely checked out of the relationship and you suspect your husband has too. With that in mind, do you believe you are doing right by your children to always be so depressed? Don't you feel you can be a better parent if you were happy? Really, truly happy???
Now, I'm not suggesting that you divorce your husband in the hopes that you can be in a relationship with the physician. My honest opinion on that is any relationship which starts with both parties cheating is doomed before it even begins.
Rather, what I believe is that both relationships are bad for you. Your marriage has become dysfunctional, and very likely crumbled beyond the point of being repaired. Meanwhile, the relationship with the physician is toxic. It is slowly destroying the lives of your families.
Going back on my own experience, my decision to seek a divorce was incredibly difficult... and yet, it turned out to be one of the better decisions I've made in my life. Two plus years later, I'm living a FAR happier life, as is my ex-wife. We both work to keep things civil and get along as well as possible (and if the cheating gets out, that will be MUCH more difficult). The end result is that my daughter's life is much better overall. She isn't growing up in a hostile environment with depressed parents. Instead, she splits time between two loving homes where she is nurtured and gets to experience true affection.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): I'm assuming you get it on with the married physician at work? How many of your co workers know about your affair? Any of the patients? I just want to point out that you have no proof that your hb cheated YET you are doing the very same thing you claim to be upset about. Whats good for the goose....I also suggest a divorce. I pity the kids. You personally have disinvested in your marrige and you have not attempted to make it work. What you have done is basically banged the final nail in the marriage You have long gone from your marriage, now the waiting game starts.Don't fool yourself thinking the MM will leave his wife and kids for you. He won't. He may shit on his marriage and play around BUT he will still want to be perceived as honourable, good family man. He will NEVER play with his reputation: meaning he is just a user.I think if you really really really do love your kids, then divorce your hb. Don't let your kids grow up thinking that cheating is a norm. Love them enough not to make them dysfunctional people. Your hb deserves happiness as well. With uplaying around with the MM, you have also neglected him and he deserves a chance to start over again.
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A
male
reader, lukefortender +, writes (3 October 2011):
You should be careful about this since the beginning,you have kids, why did you do that with your life and your marriage?Unfortunately is over! Now deal with it,make the right decision,listen to your heart and be happy!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Get a divorce. You honestly think watching their parents be unhappy and cheat on each other is better for you kids to grow up with? They are very perceptive. They know. You are just hurting everyone involved more by doing it this way. Just recently a woman I know who refused to divorce for the same reasons as you and was also cheating as you are was found out by her family. Her husband left her and now her children refuse to speak to her for her behavior. If she had been forward and done the right thing, none of that would have happened. You are an adult, think like one.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 October 2011):
I think you have several options:
1) Take drastic actions to end your affair once and for all, and just ride out the emotional pain and loss until it eventually fades with time. So, wuit your job, move to another city so you won't be able to see each other, etc. This wouldn't by itself make your marriage any better than it has been, your marriage would still be unhappy but it would at least end one aspect of your mental turmoil (which is the guilt you feel over being in an affair) so even though it will hurt emotionally to end your affair and feel that loss, in the end that would bring you some measure of relief by not having that guilt. Learn how to better cope with your unhappiness so that you don't fall into the arms of another man (because it would be unethical to do so as long as you're married). Then when your kids are grown up you can re-visit the idea of divorcing your husband since they won't "need" you to be together as much anymore.
2) end your affair (see #1) and recommit to your marriage to make it improve so that you can be happy with your husband and not just tolerating the marriage. This would be the ideal situation because if this can be done, then you will be able to align your heart with what you believe is the "right" thing to do and thus you won't have any inner conflict anymore.
However, realistically this may not be possible since relationships are very hard to repair after infidelity (studies have shown that many people are more traumatized by their spouse's infidelity than by their spouse's death). The truth is that many relationships just can't be repaired from infidelity even if a divorce doesn't happen. But that's not to say it's impossible so you may decide to give this a try. If you're going to improve your marriage so that you can be happier in general, it will be a long and hard road so you need to be clear to yourself on WHY you're doing it in order not to sabotage your own efforts (such as by falling back into the affair). You will need to end your affair first, and then you will need your husband to agree to work on the marriage with you since a relationship has two people in it. And you may need the help of a marriage counselor to help work through the intense pain and betrayal you feel. If you merely stay married while the relationship remains the way it is, you probably will continue to feel miserable.
2) Divorce your husband, whether or not your lover also divorces his wife. Leave your marriage because the relationship is toxic and makes you miserable. This is still true whether or not your lover chooses to leave his own marriage. So if you divorce your husband, don't do it on condition that your lover leaves his wife for you too, instead do it for yourself with the goal of setting yourself free from your unhappy marriage so that you can be free to develop a better and happier relationship with someone new in the future when that opportunity arises. One way to look at it is, if you had left your husband long ago (after his infidelity), rather than staying in a very unhappy marriage, you may by now have found a new better partner, maybe you'd be remarried now and be a happier person instead of entangled in this mess you're in.
So, one option is to get over your fear of divorce so you can do it, because your marriage is making you miserable. Learn HOW to raise your kids in a healthy way post-divorce (you can consult family therapists for example, or read books, join support groups), rather than fearing what divorce will do to them and then stopping all further thought processes on that issue. Fear keeps you paralyzed and unable to find solutions, you're left being stuck in your present situation.
And to go with any of those choices listed above (they are certainly not easy, if they were you'd have done them already) I think you need to first explore your personal beliefs that it's better to stay married and be having an affair, than to get divorced.
Right now you're in an untenable situation because emotionally the relationship between your husband and yourself has long been destroyed, first by his infidelity and then now by yours. And yet you stay married anyway because you believe that to be divorced would do irreparable damage to your kids. (maybe there's also other reasons, but this is the only one you mentioned so it's the only one I will talk about) So in a way, your personal beliefs about what divorce is and isn't (based in large part on your own childhood experiences growing up in a divorced home) has led you to be in the situation you're in now.
And thus you may need to explore your personal beliefs that divorce is worse for children than an unhappy but intact nuclear family. As hard as your childhood was because of your parents' divorce, you don't know if your childhood would have been happier or better had your parents stayed together. You can only know and relate to what actually did happen, and not know what could have been. But at the same time, if your beliefs (in this case that divorce is to be avoided at all costs) have gotten you into an untenable double bind situation, then maybe it's time to re-evaluate it. Evaluating your personal beliefs and assumptions, and changing them if they are no longer working for you, can be the hardest part of the entire process and requires courage but at the same time is what leads to personal growth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): So half your married life you've been unhappy and for over 2 years having an affair?
You may not want to put your children through divorce but if your husband or his wife discovers you are cheating,and they probably will, then you may not have a choice.And what a mess that will be.
Have you sat down and spoken to your husband, tried to sort out your marriage, told him your unhappy? IF your husband had an affair 6 years ago then maybe he is also unhappy...you need to talk.
Maybe he didn't have an affair..you are now though, with a colleague, he won't leave his wife, he's told you that.And now your in love with him.
How do you want it to work out? How do you see your future?
I see alot of hurt people, including children, if you carry on with this affair.
Either end your marriage or be loyal to your husband.
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A
male
reader, landomando +, writes (3 October 2011):
Your married. U knew what u were getting into when you got married. Stop being selfish. Fix your marriage. stop cheating on your husband. Dont ruin your kids lives. There going to grow up knowing what your doing sooner or later if it continues. You need to switch jobs and stop contact with this guy.. Do it for your kids if anything.. But u probably will read this and not even care..
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